HOME How To Program People

Reports have leaked out that Mr Ali Kazam (magician and alchemist - and an associate of Professor Southclaw and Dr Smallbrain) has discovered an extremely rare manuscript, written in ancient Orricucu, the language of a people some experts believe to have invented writing ten thousand years before the formation of the Babylonian Empire. In Orricucuian legend, the book was given to the "First People" by a god they called "Designer", who gave them the instruction "program yourselves and populate the face of the earth".   The precious manuscript was being used as bedding for hamsters in a pet shop, and, consequently, a large amount of the pages have been nibbled away at the edges. How it got to the pet shop, has not yet been determined, but Mr Kazam says he is following a definite line of inquiry, connected with the country of origin of the hamsters.   Mr Kazam, who speaks 2,436 languages fluently, including 1,002 dead ones, was reluctant at first to talk about the manuscript, which he said he had not yet had the opportunity to study in depth. However, from a cursory examination, he believes that the book is the "operating manual" for the human race, whereby people could "mould" the world and themselves into whatever shape was needed. Without it, humanity has become locked into their present forms, with the resulting wars, diseases and general dissatisfaction.  Since it is written in a primeval form of script that only Mr Kazam and one other person in the world (who is at the moment, unfortunately, residing in the Other Worlds Lunatic Asylum) can understand, Mr Kazam admits that his explanations, of course, have to be taken on trust.  Mr Kazam insists that it is not "magic" in the accepted form, where "words of power" are used to create transformations, but the system uses a clearer, purer form of "control words", rather like a computer program, to create its effects, which are all perfectly logical, although not yet understood by modern science.  He is afraid that the bulk of the manuscript is missing, which had contained a complete list of the "control" words and instructions on how to use them. What he has in his possession appears to be merely the introductory chapter, where the outline of the process is explained and a few samples are given.   In apparently unrelated incidents, local wild life conservancy group WITH (Wild In The Head), have grown concerned at the apparent decline of the frog population in the nearby marshes, while a large number of princes have been found wandering around the town, asking directions to long-lost or nonexistent kingdoms.