HOME Belligerent Furniture

Since their release, things have been going far from smoothly for Intelligent Furniture. Complaints from dissatisfied customers have been flooding into the company's offices. One man who slept late on a Saturday complained of being dry-cleaned by the bed, which then attempted to stuff him into a pillowcase.  Spokesman for the company, Ali Kazam, said that it would take time for people to get used to intelligent furniture. If you decided to sleep in late on a particular day, he said, you had to let the bed know in advance. Although intelligent, the furniture were not mind readers.  In the case of Mr Spink, who complained that the table had poured gravy on his head instead of the potatoes and had cleared away everything again before he had even eaten a mouthful, Mr Kazam explained that the item was merely in need of some calibration. This was also all that was needed to solve the problem of Mr Wide, whose chair moved away every time he attempted to sit down. Dr Smallbrain would be calling to all those customers during the coming week, to make the necessary adjustments. He dismissed as "scurrilous", the rumors that, due to Professor Southclaw's evolutionary programming, the furniture was now a life form in its own right, and by no means a friendly one.   Intelligent Furniture Update 1:   Complaints continue to pour in about the behaviour of the furniture supplied by IF.   A Mr Wide, who's chair would not permit him to sit in it last week, and which was adjusted by Dr Smallbrain, now tips him on to the floor and attempts to stamp on him. Mr Wide displayed several facial bruises to our reporter, which he claims were inflicted by the legs of the chair. He said he would be seeking medical compensation from the company.  Mr Spink, who also experienced problems with the furniture last week, has declared he is afraid to return to his own house until IF removes the furniture. He is taking out a summons for assault against the company after the table threw its forks and knives at him as he was having his dinner. He claims he only narrowly escaped with his life. As it is, he will be physically and mentally scarred for life.  These are the most serious complaints lodged against the company. Of the others, a Mrs Winkie complained that her bed refused to play the classical music she had programmed it with. Instead it kept her awake all night, singing rowdy drinking songs with the diction of someone who's brain was awash with whiskey. And, more whimsical, perhaps, a Mr Ryan returned from work to find his chair dancing on his table to music from the bed, which had bumped its way downstairs.  When contacted, Mr Kazam, spokesman for IF, said that problems were only to be expected with devices which had no precedence in the furniture industry. All the furniture would be withdrawn by the company for examination and he asked for patience from their owners. Compensation was not being considered at the moment.   Intelligent Furniture Update 2:  It has just been learned that several items of furniture - apparently two chairs, a bed and a table, have escaped into the wilds.  The fugitive furniture is being hunted down by soldiers, armed with chain saws and oxyacetylene torches. In the meantime, anyone seeing furniture in the fields, or on the roadways, is advised not to approach it, but to exercise extreme caution and make a report at once to the nearest police station. The furniture is extremely dangerous and libel to attack without provocation or warning.