Dear Unfortunate Citizens,
Greetings. My name is Wondra Lawson. I am the greatest person on the face of this pitiful earth. I will one day become the mightiest ruler that has ever existed. All mere mortals will bow before my greatness. If you become my minions now you will be spared. I must warn you, however, if you chose to resist my reign you will be severely punished. I will scratch your eyes out with my finger nails. I will then tear you into bloody strips of cat food and feed you to my 67 pound cat.
So, now that you have been informed of my intentions, you will have precisely one week to:
1. Clear out all your valuables.
2. Send them to my headquarters.
3. Sacrifice all hot men (16-45) to my harem.
4. Accept me as your ruler.
5. Be prepared to wait on me hand and foot every night for the rest of your miserable life.
6. Kill yourself if you resemble Barbie (the she-devil) in appearance and/or mentally or suffer from emotional fuckwittage.
7. Most importantly, all men in my harem must wear only leather pants ala Lestat.
Thank you so very much for your cooperation and have a wondraful day, my dear enslaved souls.
Your Humble War Lord,
Wondra (I'm Taking Over the World) Lawson
Taking over the world can be quite costly these days. Wondra is now accepting donations. Please detach the lower portion of this letter and return it (along with your contribution) to Wondra's headquarters.
___ $20
___ $50
___ $100
___ $1,000
___ My first born child
