The First Church

of

Jesus Christ

as the Iraqi Child Hassad

Who Died for Your Petroleum Sins

We're sorry to inform you that the vast majority of the faithful who waited breathlessly for Christ to arise again missed it.

Entirely.

Instead of the life and death of the Messiah reborn, we watched a statue topple over about a trillion times on Fox News and CNN. We saw not the crumpled and crushed body of the Savior Incarnate, his body too small for his age due to malnutrition, wasted with easily-prevented childhood disease.

Woe unto the fallen who saw this not, for they shall be barred from the Kingdom of Heaven when the Lord's angels zip down in their EVs to bring the faithful to his side; those who are sensible users of energy, those who wished not a war against the country chosen to receive His Son, and those who wished not His Son's death in the destruction wrought by Republican Pharisees on Iraq, the cradle from which Adam and Eve were driven.

Woe unto those who suffer the deaths of their countrymen and the massacre of children abroad for the fueling of their SUVs, for they are not of the Kingdom of Heaven.

From those of us who await the hydroelectric Rapture, we'd just like to say, as we look down from Heaven (sensibly solar powered, of course)...

SUCKS TO BE YOU!!!