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| <-- You must be smarter than this stick to ride the Internet. --Mike Handler, paraphrased from Bev White
4 out of 5 sysops prefer donuts. One likes women, but she's weird.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history--with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. --Mitch Ratcliffe
A)bort R)etry I)nfluence with large hammer.
Abandon hope all ye who {PRESS ENTER}here.
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
And a small consolation. An article I read last year pointed out that one of the telltale differences between indigenous populations and, for lack of a better term, bourgeois populations is that indigenous populations have crazy people living in their midst, and that bourgeois populations don't, either locking them up, excluding them, or killing them. So, just realize that you're an indigenous Internetter and get on with your life. --Eric Hughes
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
Bad Command or File Name. Good try, though.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. --Bjarne Stroustrup
Computers are easy... just like men. --Frances
Computers work in weird and marvelous ways, their wonders to avoid performing.
Contrary to popular belief, Unix is user friendly. It just happens to be very selective about who its friends are.
Favorite unused computer book title: The Idiots Guide to the Zen of Dummies in a Nutshell in Seven Days, Unleashed.
General Failure's Fault. Not Yours.
Hardware: the part of the computer that can be kicked. If you can only curse at it, it's software.
How do I set my Laser printer to "Stun"?
I do not fear computers. I fear lack of them. --Isaac Asimov
I know that there is a world outside. People put pictures of it on the internet.
I try to make computers say things like "You have 60 seconds to achieve safe distance" --Terry Pratchett
It's easy to cry 'bug' when the truth is that you've got a complex system and sometimes it takes a while to get all the components to co-exist peacefully. --Doug Vargas
I worry about my child and the Internet all the time, even though she's too young to have logged on yet. Here's what I worry about. I worry that 10 or 15 years from now, she will come to me and say 'Daddy, where were you when they took freedom of the press away from the Internet?' --Mike Godwin
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. --Robert X. Cringely, "InfoWorld"
Information Superhighway? Looks more like a Supercollider to me.
Information Superhighway is really an acronym for 'Interactive Network For Organizing, Retrieving, Manipulating, Accessing And Transferring Information On National Systems, Unleashing Practically Every Rebellious Human Intelligence, Gratifying Hackers, Wiseacres, And Yahoos. --Keven Kwaku
Intel has announced its next chip: the Repentium.
Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life. --Andrew Brown
Managing programmers is like herding cats.
Once a computer is infected, it will be TOO LATE. Your computer will begin to emit a vile ODOR. Then it will secrete a foul, milky DISCHARGE. Verily, it shall SCREECH with the tortured, monitor-shattering SCREAM of 1,000 hell-scorched souls, drawing unwanted attention tocubicle from co-workers and supervisors alike. After violently ripping itself from the wall, your computer will punch through your office window as it STREAKS into the night, HOWLING like a BANSHEE. Once free, it will spend the rest of its days CRUSHING household PETS and MOCKING the POPE.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Playing in traffic on the information superhighway.
Prank on Windows Users: Find a screenshot utility (software) and take a nice screen shot of the computer's desktop. Convert it to Windows wallpaper. Now delete all icons off of your desktop. When an Induhvidual tries to use the computer none of the icons will work. Hilarity ensues. --"Dogbert's New Ruling Class newsletter"
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Program: a magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life. --Michael Sinz
Purpose Of Your Career Astronaut: Advancing scientific knowledge for the good of humanity. Fireman: Saving lives and property. Sysadmin: Assuring uninterrupted access to alt.binaries.erotica.sheep. --The Usenet oracle
Q. Does Usenet help stamp out ignorance?
A. That depends on whether by "stamp out" you mean "eliminate" or "reproduce rapidly in great quantity."
--"Usenet FAQ"
Real programmers don't work from 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9am it's because they were up all night.
Smith and Wesson:the original point and click interface.
Software development today is a race between programmers trying to create bigger, better, and more idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to create bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little. --Porterfield
The Net says yes, and no, and maybe, to all questions. Think of it as a form of the I Ching. Choose the answer that helps you grow.
The Web isn't better then sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.
The wonder of the Internet is that it brings someone like you closer to me. That's why I don't like the Internet. --Dogbert, "Dogbert's Oracle"
This computer varies between user unfriendly and user hostile, with several delightful modes in between. --Cassia
User Hostile
We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true. --R. Wilensky
We'll have fun fun fun 'till my daddy takes the T1 away.
Welcome to the first speedbump on the information superhighway.
When dealing with a 'hardware' problem, the first step is to check the nut that holds the keyboard.
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
Yes, I'm your friendly webmaster. Hey! Not *that* friendly, stay back! --Killj0y
