Disclaimer: I don’t own anything from Fruits Basket, and I’m not making any money from this fic. I also don’t own the PPC, or Haruko (thank goodness). I do, however, own the agents Sarah and Light. Read the original fic here, those of you who are morbidly curious.

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“Well, what is it?” Sarah demanded.

“It’s not Rurouni Kenshin this time,” Light answered, staring at the console screen. “You should be glad about that.”

Sarah frowned, eying Light suspiciously, who had moved in front of the console screen, apparently to hide what was on there. “What am I not going to like?” she wanted to know.

“Well, it’s not as bad as the other two,” Light said slowly, still standing in front of the console.

“But…?” Sarah prompted. Then, her eyes narrowed. “How bad is the grammar?” she asked.

“Actually, it’s the punctuation,” Light answered slowly. “And it’s half in script form.”

Sarah frowned. “Half?” she repeated.

Light nodded. “The speech part is in script form,” she explained. “However, pretty much the rest of it isn’t… And it’s all written in present tense.”

Sarah grimaced slightly. “Present tense,” she muttered. “That’s going to be fun.” Then, she shrugged and sighed. “Oh, well. I suppose we should go look at it. Besides, the thing that I ordered might be here by the time we get back.”

Light frowned. “What thing?” she questioned.

Sarah shifted slightly, an innocent look on her face. “Well, you know that there are those Ulgo knives in the Eddings universe?” she responded.

Light nodded slowly, and then stared at her partner. “You ordered one of those?” she demanded. Then, she shook her head. “Alright, but I just hope that you only plan to use it on a ‘Sue who really deserves it. Their effects sound kind of… horrible.”

Sarah gave an evil grin. “Don’t worry,” she replied. “I’m saving the Ulgo knife for a really bad ‘Sue. Once I get it, that is.”

Light just sighed. “Whatever,” she muttered. “Let’s just go into the fic. Can you set up the portal and the disguises, please?”

“You know, you could learn how to use this yourself,” Sarah muttered, making her way over to the console. She grimaced slightly as her hip caught the edge of the console. She seemed to be inherently clumsy.

“Why would I want to do that when I have you to fix it up for me?” Light asked with a quick smile. She then picked up their backpacks.

Sarah rolled her eyes, and then tapped a few buttons on the console, activating the portal and setting up their disguises. “Random humans all right?” she asked, looking over her shoulder.

“What else can we go as?” Light sighed.

“Well, you could always go as a cat,” Sarah replied with a frown. “But that might get confusing, as Kyo is the cat of the zodiac.”

“It’s all right,” Light shrugged, passing Sarah’s backpack to her. “I guess I can cope with being a human again. I would prefer to be a cat next time, though.”

“We’ll see what our next mission is like.”

Sarah and Light went through the portal.

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The two agents land in a school with empty halls, and that is all the description that there is. Light shoots a glare at the portal as it deactivates, then drags Sarah to the side, out of view, as the ‘Sue appears. It is unclear just which way she is walking.

“That portal definitely doesn’t like us,” Light mutters. “I swear that it tilts itself on purpose.”

Sarah gives her partner a really odd look. “Light, it’s a portal,” she whispers, explaining slowly as though talking to a small child. “It’s not a sentient creature.” She pauses then, looking around with a confused expression on her face. “Wait a moment… Did we miss the disclaimer?”

“Um…” Light scans the Words, and then narrows her eyes. “There isn’t one. Not even a mention of one.”

Sarah stares. “There’s no disclaimer?” she demands, still careful to keep her voice down as Yuki and the ‘Sue meet. “Disclaimers virtually make fan fiction legal. Not having one is really… bad. Put it down on the charge list.”

“I have,” Light replies, holding up the sheets of paper and the pen that are in her hands. “I also added ‘lack of proper description’.”

“Ugh, this present tense stuff is confusing,” Sarah mutters, glaring as the ‘Sue and Yuki make their way to the classroom. “I’ll be glad to get out of this fic.”

“Uh-uh.” Light adds some more charges to the list after scanning the words again, and then looks at Sarah. “Do you want to portal ahead to sit in the classroom as random students?”

“Sure,” Sarah responds, taking out her remote activator and opening a portal. The two then step through.

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To the agents’ immense relief, the portal doesn’t tilt as they go through, and the two slip into a couple of empty desks that are close to each other. The canon characters can’t see them, of course, but the ‘Sue will be able to.

Light rolls her eyes, incredibly annoyed by the present tense, and not sure if she can handle the entire fic.

The scene changes to the classroom as the two slowly enter, the class all look over as they enter.

Yuki: She is in our class, I found her in the halls.

Haruko looks up hesitantly to the teacher and then back to the ground.

Teacher: You must be Haruko.

Haruko nods slowly.

Teacher: You can follow Yuki and sit in the empty seat beside him.

“Oh, that’s convenient,” Light mutters, adding, ‘having an empty seat next to Yuki just so that you can sit next to him’ to the charge list.

Haruko gives Light a slightly startled look as she passes her. However, having a low attention span, just like all ‘Sues, she soon looks away from the assassin.

“She’s an exchange student from America,” Sarah whispers to Light, unnecessarily as the teacher is just explaining that.

Light rolls her eyes. “That’s just stupid,” she mutters. “And I’m sure that Yuki wouldn’t be rude to a teacher,” she adds. “He’s usually extremely polite… To everyone except Kyo, of course.”

Neither of the two assassins were paying much attention to the Words, and so the abrupt scene change takes them by surprise as they appear to be in two places at once – outside the cafeteria, and inside it.

“Ugh…” Sarah staggers over to the nearest wall and rests her forehead against it, trying really hard not to throw up. After a moment, she digs inside her backpack for bleepka, and takes it.

Light doesn’t look much better, appearing to be a little green. She adds ‘abrupt shift changes’ to the charge list, as well as, ‘having the characters try to be in two places at once’. Trying to see just where they are just makes her feel dizzy.

Sarah moves back to Light’s side, and the two watch as Tohru greets the ‘Sue. The scene is then obviously outside the cafeteria, as Tohru drags the ‘Sue through the doors into the lunchroom.

Light and Sarah follow Tohru and Haruko through.

“Let’s go get something to eat,” Sarah says brightly.

The only people who are described are the people sitting at the table, so Light and Sarah don’t have the problem of standing in a long queue. They each get a plate of food, sit down nearby the table Tohru and the others are seated at, and start eating.

“At least the writer didn’t describe the food,” Sarah grins. “We get to eat whatever we want.”

Light nods in agreement.

Tohru: This is Hana, Uo, Kyou, Momiji, Haru and you've already met Yuki.

She says eagerly pointing every one out, Haruko remains silently only looking up for a brief moment as she nods slightly aknowleding them.

Momiji: Hey Haruko.

He says popping up out of nowhere standing beside her.

Sarah stares. “The writer spelt Kyo’s name wrong?”

Light nods. “It appears so,” she answers. “I’m pretty certain that there isn’t a ‘u’ at the end of his name. I’ll add it to the charge list, but we will have to check that out.”

“All right,” Sarah replies.

Light frowns a bit. “How can Momiji just pop up out of nowhere if he’s already there?” she wonders.

“More to the point, what is Momiji actually doing there?” Sarah demands with a frown. “Does he even go to that school?”

Light shrugs.

“Momiji isn’t a baby, and he doesn’t whine for no reason,” Sarah mutters, glaring at the ‘Sue. “I want my Ulgo knife…”

“Well, you don’t have it, so you’ll have to make do,” Light replies. “Do you want to stay here, or go and watch a man about to beat Haruko up and Yuki change into a mouse?”

Sarah stares. “But isn’t it Year of the Rat?” she asks.

“I think so,” Light answers. “At least… Isn’t that what it is in the manga books?”

Sarah nods, then stands up. “Let’s go and kill her,” she says. “Have you got the charge list?”

Light nods, then straightens.

The two assassins leave the cafeteria.

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Light and Sarah find Haruko after she’s run away from Yuki, shouting at him when he tried to help her.

Haruko pauses as she sees two strange girls approaching her. One of them is holding a dagger with a manic gleam in her eyes.

“All right, I’ll charge her,” the blonde-haired one says. She holds up a sheaf of papers, clears her throat, and reads: “Haruko, you are charged with: neglecting to write a disclaimer; lack of proper description; using both script form and non-script form; misuse of punctuation; having the hallway deserted just so that you can meet Yuki; having Yuki assume that you know a man just because he’s walking away from you; making Yuki be troubled by you behaving strangely – he has his own secrets; having an empty seat next to Yuki just so that you can sit next to him; having abrupt scene changes that almost killed us; spelling Kyo’s name wrong – there isn’t a ‘u’ at the end of it; making Momiji pop up out of nowhere when he’s already there; making Momiji whine ‘babily’; having someone beat you up for no reason; shouting at Yuki when he’s only concerned about you; making Yuki run after you and subsequently transform – Yuki is much more careful than that; calling him a mouse when he’s actually born in the Year of the Rat; making Yuki ask to be taken to Kyo – they hate each other, dear; and being a Mary Sue.” Light pauses for breath, then says, “Any last non-sappy words?”

“I don’t have to stand for this!” Haruko exclaims. “Yuki will save me!”

Sarah just rolls her eyes and stabs the ‘Sue. “Canon should return to normal with her death,” she says. “I’ll feed Haruko to Farmair.”

Light nods.

Sarah activates a portal back to HQ, and the two step through.

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“Yay, right tense!” Sarah exclaimed as she and Light stepped through the portal into the apartment.

“Goody,” Light replied, flopping into one of the chairs.

Sarah shrank the ‘Sue’s body, and put it in front of Farmair. “There you go, baby,” she cooed. “Din-dins.”

Light rolled her eyes as the mini-balrog ate the ‘Sue, then frowned a bit as Sarah went to the door, sitting up. “Where are you going?” she asked.

“To see Makes-Things about the Distraction Ball,” Sarah answered just before she left. “You should get some rest before our next mission.”

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This was just painful… -_-. I had a huge list of charges, so I thought that I should really end the fic then. Not as bad as some of the fics I’ve read, but still bad enough.

Once again, any and all reviews are welcome, as are new ideas for killing the various ‘Sues, and suggestions for new fics.