Please note
that this story is rated R because of personal intimacy between two adult men. This story puts a Hercules “spin” on several December
holidays, you are more likely to be offended on the
comments on religion than by the sex.
WISE MEN
“Shush, there’s someone outside.” Hercules whispered.
Iolaus was not
aware that he had been making much noise.
The only sound he had heard recently was a series of low moans as he had
worked his oiled hands methodically down Hercules’s broad back. If there had been any hint of tenseness in
the big guy’s muscles, he was certainly doing his best to alleviate it -- but
now it was back.
“I don’t hear
anything.” Iolaus knew it was
pointless. Once Hercules was convinced
that someone was outside the mood would definitely not be able to be
reestablished until he was sure that nothing human breathed within miles of the
house. There was a certain intimacy in naked rubdowns
that projected a message Hercules was not ready to share with the world.
“Bells? Can’t you hear the bells?”
“Bells?”
Iolaus questioned.
“Listen. You can hear
them.”
Iolaus cocked
his head and listened carefully. There WERE definitely bells outside. This was not a sound one would expect to hear
outside the house where Jason and Alcmeme had lived. Visiting sheep? That seemed unlikely. Hercules was probably right again. Damn. They both dressed quickly, unsure as to
what they would find when they looked outside.
In what little
light the moon produced, Iolaus could make out the form of a heavy set man
leading a heavily laden donkey replete with jingling bells.
“Can you tell
who it is, Herc?” As soon as he asked,
he knew the answer. Double-damn.
“Salmoneous.”
“I thought he was living somewhere far to the east in a village
of aging virgins.”
“From what I
hear there are not many virgins left.”
Herc added. “And they are in the midst of a population boom.”
“Then what’s he doing here?
On Solstice Eve?”
“If I know Salmoneous, it has
something to do with making money.”
* *
* * *
Salmoneous did his best to ignore the fact that Hercules and Iolaus were
partially dressed. Hercules seemed a
little edgy. Iolaus seemed a little
drunk. Still it was important that he ran this idea past Hercules. He was certain that despite the fact that the
demigod had pooh-poohed most of his previous business proposals, this one would
be the one that would make both of them rich and famous. He would have the money necessary for his
every growing number of wives and children to live happily ever after.
He poured the
companions glasses of wine and arranged a number of sweet and savory treats for
them to sample. While his wives had not liked
the idea of his making the journey back to
“What is it
this time?” Hercules asked with a
wrinkle in his brow. Iolaus was so taken
by the date nut bread that his mouth was never empty enough for him to ask. “Although I must admit that with a source of
food this good Solstice gift baskets would not be out of the question.”
“Not Solstice. I’m
proposing that we start the celebration of a new holiday.”
“New
holiday?” Iolaus stopped and gasped. Crumbs flew out of his mouth and onto the
table. “Why would Hercules want to get
involved with a new day to celebrate the gods?
There are enough of those around now.”
“Not Holy-day,
Iolaus.
“That is why
we have Solstice,” Herc commented placing a large black olive in his mouth.
“Yea, but
people have been celebrating Solstice for a long time. It’s getting tired. We need to update it. Give the people something new to buy. Something they have to have.”
“Lost me there, Sal.”
Herc said.
“I’ve heard of this new holiday, from the eastern desert
tribes.”
“I’ve heard of
those people. They worship one god and
have rules for everything?” Hercules
commented.
“Yea, they
even forbid jerking-off. A certain Greek
god I know con-considers that a form of worship.” Iolaus added.
Salmoneous wondered just how much Iolaus had had
to drink.
“Anyway, and
I’ll keep the story short for Iolaus’s sake.
These people have had a recent miracle that I think we could share the
celebration of with the rest of the world.
It’s perfect for this dark time of year. ”
“Explain.” Herc prompted.
“Hanukkah.”
“Hana . . .
what.”
“Chanukah.”
“Just a little more slowly.”
“Channukah.”
“How do you spell that, Sal?”
“Well in the
original language there were only five letters --which made it a great name. Short and punchy. However, here in
* *
* * * *
The scowl on
Iolaus’s face was meant to ask “what ARE you doing?” or maybe “what is he
talking about?” But he had a crumb from
the nut bread on his nose which on Iolaus was, at least in Hercules’s opinion,
terminally cute despite the look of desperation. Normally Herc could suppress his reaction to
cuteness in public, but the last half-hour before Sal arrived had lowered his
defenses.
“I thought you
were going to be brief, Sal?” Hercules
commented. Sal was taking far too long.
“Sorry, you were the one who asked about the spelling.” He was right there.
“OK, if I ask anything
again, just keep talking.” He reached
over and flicked the crumb off Iolaus’s nose.
Iolaus smiled a secret smile to let Herc know he realized and
appreciated what he had been thinking.
“Anyway it
involved a miracle involving the purification and restoration of their most
holy of temples. However, they were
short on holy oil and had to send for a supply from another temple. Without the holy flame, the temple would . .
.
“I think I get it.” Hercules
was trying to speed Sal up a bit.
“Well, the
amount of oil they had normally wouldn’t last one night, but somehow it lasted
eight. The holy flame burned until the
new oil arrived.”
“And just how
do you intend to make money on that?” A
quick kick from Iolaus under the table, informed Herc that the last thing he
wanted was more questions.
“The desert
people have started to celebrate Hanukkah with a ceremony that involves
candles. They start the first night
lighting one candle, and the next night they light two, and the next night
three . . . “
“How long does this go on?”
“Eight
nights. The time it took for the holy oil to
arrive. The time the sacred light kept
burning.”
* *
* * * *
“You know, you
just might have something there.”
Iolaus couldn’t believe that he had heard Herc say that. His friend never got involved in Sal’s money
making plans. He couldn’t believe that
he was encouraging him. It was difficult
to imagine this silly festival that took eight days and involved large numbers
of overpriced candles which Sal’s wives were probably dipping at this very
moment. “We’ll go over the details in
the morning.”
Iolaus managed
to suppress the urge to pump his fist into the air and exhale a protracted
“Yes-s-s-s-s-s.”
“I’d offer to
let you stay here, but there are only two beds.
I think you might be more comfortable if you bedded down in the
stable. Straw is more comfortable to
sleep on than the floor. Iolaus will get
you some blankets.”
Two beds! Even when Jason and Alcmeme
lived here, Herc and Iolaus had always slept in the same bed. If they were just going to sleep it didn’t
matter that they were in the same bed.
But if . . . Iolaus couldn’t believe what Hercules had said. Then he realized that Hercules must have
wanted to discuss Sal’s proposal in private.
Fortunately Salmoneous was most agreeable. Maybe it was because he took a large sack of
food for himself, and maybe he and the donkey had been traveling together so
long . . . He had to realize that Hercules wanted to discuss the project with
Iolaus, why else would he be so agreeable to sleep in a cold barn.
* * *
“It’s not going to work, Herc.”
Iolaus said.
“It’s not?”
“Not a chance. We might
as well go to sleep as staying up discussing it.”
“To
sleep? What got into you, Iolaus?” Hercules reached over and brushed off another
crumb, this one snuggled in Iolaus’s hair.
“The last
thing the world needs is a commercial winter holiday.” He grabbed the last piece of nut bread from
the table and headed toward Hercules’s old room. “Take the bigger bed, unless
you want your old room.”
“I want . . . I want you here with me, Iolaus. Why do you think I sent Sal to sleep in the
barn?”
“I thought you
wanted to discuss his business proposal, and frankly I am too tired to . . .”
“To
what? I was going to suggest that you continue with
your killer back-rub, but if you are too tired, maybe we can figure out
something where one of us can be lying down.
I just hope you’re not too tired for a little . . .”
Iolaus got the
idea. Boy, did he get the idea. He could make a long list of things that he
was not too tired to do, as long as it did not involve discussing business
plans.
“I was thinking first a little crumb removal. With my tongue.”
“Sounds good to me, Herc.”
“There are some things, Iolaus, best celebrated in private.”
*
* * * *
Salmoneous lay back on his straw bed and watched the night sky. A huge bright star that he never remembered
seeing before seemed to loom over the eastern horizon. Suddenly he missed his wives and
children. He had been alone at Solstice
many times over the years. He always
dreamed about making huge amounts of money . . . but never went so far as to
imagine what he would do with it, other than being happy.
He was happy
now. He was living with seven wives who
loved him and took the best care of him.
They gave him cuddly children with chubby cheeks that all looked like
him. Why had he left them at this time
of year to fend for themselves just to tell Hercules
about his plan for a new holiday? The
money he would make selling candles would pale beneath the joy his family
brought to him.
He could pack
up the donkey and leave right now. He
didn’t need a lot of light; he could just follow the star. He’d be home that much sooner than if he
waited for morning. He had left most of
his food inside the house, but Hercules and Iolaus would make good use of
it. They’d probably wake up hungry -- if
they slept at all. There was no reason
for him to say goodbye before he left, they would understand.
When you
looked at it objectively, perhaps the entire world was not ready THIS holiday. It was very closely tied to a small religious
group and its purification beliefs and ceremonies. It was difficult to pronounce and impossible
to spell. Still in the darkest month of
the year, people needed something that would help them celebrate hope. Something you COULD commercialize.
A small kitten
was asleep in the manger, he reached down and grabbed it gently and slipped it
inside his cloak. His oldest daughter would
love a kitten for a solstice gift even if it were a little late. She would love the fact that her father would
be home with her even more.
McJude
November 12,
2004