When I told my husband that I had a Golden Apple challenge to write a story about the "facts of life" this was his immediate reaction. Not sure if this is classic or time travel -- but what the hey!

By McJude

Normally Hercules used more care in awakening Iolaus. They had been traveling together long enough for Hercules to know that if Iolaus was jarred too quickly from his sound sleep and vivid dreams, he would spend the rest of the morning regaling him with the tales generated by his twisted mind. But today they were in a hurry. The sky above looked as if it might rain and Hercules would just as soon sit out the storm in the comfort of a nice warm palace than in a cave or under a tree. However, when Iolaus was sleeping when he finished his morning exercises, he felt he had to awaken him, despite the smile on the sleeping man's face.

"Ah, Herc, it's you?"

"Look at the sky. We're better off getting going right now."

"I'm better off sleeping. I was having the most wonderful dream."

"I'm sure you were Iolaus, now roll up your blanket and let's get going." Hercules had already put out the fire and packed everything else into his travel sack.

"Women. . . lots of women." Iolaus muttered as he tried his best to put one foot in front of the other and follow his friend.

"You always dream about women. But you will be dreaming about rain clouds if you don't get a move on." Hercules gave his friend a swat on the rear, then shrugged his shoulders. "Get going Iolaus."

"One of the women wasn't really very pretty, but she was so kind and friendly. She wanted to be a bard. I told her about Gabrielle, but she'd never heard of her. Took a lot of notes though. She was the one that found me after I had been left in the field by the guys I had been drinking beer with."

"What were you doing drinking beer in a field?"

"I think it was a party. Lots of guys drinking beer out of metal barrels. At night. In a field. Sometimes guys and girls would go off and. . . ."

"Sounds interesting. Now just keep waking and tell me all about it."

"I fell asleep, and that is when this not so pretty one found me. Asked me where I lived, and when I said I didn't know, she walked me home to her house. She had friends that lived with her."

Hercules had found this technique successful. A half-asleep and talking Iolaus was preferable to one laid out by the fire. It might be problematic if there were bandits or raiders in the area, but the trip should be fairly uneventful. He just wanted to get there before the rains came.

"One of the young women had nice dark skin like Nebula. I liked her a lot. She told me that she wanted to be a thespian. Like I wouldn't know what that meant. We sat around and talked about plays. She was really impressed that I knew so much about Sophocles and
Euripides. Talked my ear off.

"Then there was this other one who really reminded my of Anatlanta. She wanted to arm wrestle. I liked the way she looked, long dark hair and a nice smile. Thought she was really tough, but when we talked for a while I discovered we had a lot in common. She'd be fun to take on some of our adventures sometime.

"The fourth one was a real looker. Blonde hair, huge blue eyes. She had the prettiest clothes and smelled so very nice. I could cuddle into her all day, if she just wouldn't talk about herself all the time. I knew how to change the subject."

"Sounds like a good dream, Iolaus." By this time Iolaus was usually fully awake and wanting food. Hercules had a half of quail handy for when his partner requested breakfast.

"It was so real, Hercules. So real but so very different. They appeared to all be going to school, like the academy only just girls. They seemed concerned that the woman they lived with would find me in their room."

"I hope you were on your best behavior."

"That's what's funny, it was my dream, yet I was."

"That is funny, Iolaus. Did you get caught?"

"Yep, she found me and hauled me off downstairs. Short woman, about your mother's age. Nice hair, all soft and coppery like Iphy's. Pump and cuddly. I thought she was going to throw me out on the street but she sat me down and fed me -- remember that coffee you told me about well if you put cream and sugar in it it's not bad. And pastries. Herc you should have seen the pastries. I'm still full."

"Cream and sugar. Never thought about that. Bet it would help."

Iolaus ran his index finger on the corners of his mouth and licked it. He smiled.

The clouds seemed to be lifting and with their goal less than an hour a way, Hercules felt a little guilty from having raised Iolaus unnecessarily from such a good dream. Even his half-asleep rendition was fun, if totally improbable. But that was Iolaus and his dreams.

A quick trip to the bushes and Iolaus was ready to go again. Wide awake, but singing under his breath.

"You take the good, you take the bad. . . . the Facts of Life."

McJude

November 2002