Hercules tells Iolaus about his adventures with a toga salesman, a Cyclops, and fifty beautiful maidens. Based on the H:TLJ episode Eye of the Beholder written by John Schulian. “So, then, I gave him another hint about why he should leave.” “Oh? What kind of hint?” “Well, it was five hints, really.” Iolaus raised his hand and bent each finger one by one into a fist. “It can be very convincing!” he said, winking at the laughing tavern keeper as he unloosed the fist to pick up his mug of beer. Still laughing at Iolaus’s account of his latest adventure with Hercules, the men who had gathered around the bar began to return to the marketplace of Thebes. “Have another on the house, Iolaus,” said Micah, putting a fresh mug in front of the local hero. “Am I included in that offer?” came a challenge from the doorway. Iolaus slowly put down his beer mug, licked the foam off his lip, got down off his stool by the bar, and turned to face the newcomer. “No trouble, now,” warned the tavern keeper as he carefully gauged his distance to the club he had hidden under the bar. “No trouble at all, Micah!” cried Hercules, stepping out of the shadows at the door and extending his hand for a friendly clasp. “Nope! No trouble at all!” echoed Iolaus, clapping his friend on the shoulder. “Where have you been, buddy?” he asked eagerly. Pulling his bosom friend down onto the stool beside his, he turned to order another mug of the tavern’s notoriously delicious brew. Micah was already putting the foaming mug on the bar. He was always happy when Iolaus came into town, and into his tavern, because his tales of adventure always brought more trade to the bar. It was rare to see Hercules these days; it seemed that he was gone more and more often since Daeneira and the kids had died. But Micah was happy to encourage the big man to stay a while. He might not be as colorful a storyteller as Iolaus, but his presence was always good for business. The tavern keeper turned to the customers who were already starting to trickle back in from the marketplace in the returning hero’s wake. “So, what’s up, Herc?” asked Iolaus after a long pull at his mug of beer. “It’s great to have you back. I think I need some help with clearing that last field, the one down by your place.” “I don’t know how long I can stay, Iolaus,” replied Hercules. He put his mug down after taking a small sip. “I think someone might be, sort of, following me.” He lifted his mug and took another sip. “Oh, who?” inquired Iolaus. “Maybe I can help you.” “Have you ever heard of King Thespius?” asked Hercules. “King Thespius. Hmmm.” Iolaus thought as he took another pull on his mug. “Isn’t he the king of Theatrus? The one with lots of children?” “That’s the one,” agreed Hercules. “Lots of children, all daughters.” “Oh, really?” Iolaus’s blue eyes widened. “And why might they be following you, Hercules?” Hercules took another sip of beer, then ate an olive from the bowl on the bar. “Well,” he began. “Their father wants them to … meet me.” He took another quick sip of beer and ate another olive. “Oh, ho! Meet the daughters of a king! Do you need an escort?” cried Iolaus. “More like a bodyguard,” mumbled Hercules. “Oh, come on, how many princesses are there, Herc? I mean, how many daughters can one man have, anyway?” “Fifty,” said Hercules, looking sadly into his beer mug. “Fifty!” Iolaus took a long slow drink of beer as he contemplated the prowess of King Thespius. “No kidding!” “No kidding,” grunted Hercules. “And once you meet these princesses, the king wants to choose one for you?” asked Iolaus. If Hercules were thinking about remarrying, a princess for a wife could not be a bad thing. “Not exactly,” said Hercules. “What do you mean, not exactly? You mean he’ll let you choose one for yourself?” Iolaus nodded. “Very generous!” “No, he won’t let me choose, either.” Hercules put his mug firmly on the bar, shaking his head as Micah turned in their direction. Taking a deep breath, he blurted out the awful truth. “He wants me to marry them all!” Iolaus spluttered beer across the bar as he collapsed in laughter. “All!” he cried. “He wants you to marry all fifty of his daughters!” “Could you keep it down, please,” warned Hercules, huddling over his mug, trying to hide the blush he could feel on his hot face. Although he appreciated beautiful women almost as much as the next man (the next man was Iolaus, after all), he preferred to keep his private life private. It was difficult to talk about such things, even with his closest friend. “Well, Herc, that’s certainly an interesting problem!” said Iolaus finally wiping his eyes as he accepted a fresh mug of beer from Micah. “I’d rather deal with the Cyclops again,” Hercules said, shaking his head. “Wait a minute! What Cyclops?” cried Iolaus. “The Cyclops at Trachus,” said Hercules. “Trachus!” Iolaus repeated. “So that’s where you’ve been. I hear they grow great wine grapes up there.” “They try to, when Hera’s not interfering with them.” “Oh, no! Hera’s involved in this too?” Iolaus signaled the tavern keeper. “You’d better bring us a pitcher, Micah,” he ordered. “And some sandwiches!” Hercules frowned at his friend’s enthusiasm. Hera was very serious in her determination to subjugate humankind to her own purposes. “Yes, Hera was involved,” he said sternly. “She had a man named Castor forcing people to make wine for her temple.” “Sounds like a waste of good grapes,” said Iolaus. “It was,” Hercules said. “So, how was the Cyclops involved, Herc?” asked Iolaus. He poured some beer from the pitcher into Hercules’s still half full mug. “Hera was using him as an enforcer,” Hercules explained. “He really didn’t want to hurt anyone, but Hera’s man Castor fed him stories about how the villagers all hated him. He believed them and thought Castor was his only friend.” When Iolaus didn’t comment, Hercules continued the story. “Some of the villagers did harass him, called him names, told him to get out of town, so when Castor came to him, he was only too ready to believe his lies. People are so stupid, sometimes!” he said sadly. “They can’t accept someone who is different from them!” Iolaus nodded in sympathy. He remembered how some people right here in Thebes had treated Hercules when he was a boy, stronger, taller, and bigger than any other boy in town. And the fact that his parenthood had been in question hadn’t helped either. Now he was a hero, but back then he’d been an easy target for prejudice. “So what happened when you got to Trachus?” he encouraged his friend to continue the story. Hercules took a bite of the gyro sandwich Micah had brought, nodding his thanks to the tavern keeper before he spoke. “I knew there was trouble when I met Salmoneus,” Hercules picked up the thread of his tale. “Salmonius the toga salesman. Monoculus had thrown him up into a tree!” “Who’s Monoculus?” interrupted Iolaus. “He’s the Cyclops.” “You’re on a first name basis with the Cyclops? How did that happen?” “I’m trying to tell you, Iolaus, if you’ll give me a chance,” said Hercules. Iolaus mumbled an apology for the interruption and ate another bite of gyro, mopping up the dripping cream sauce with the edge of the bread as Hercules continued. “You see, Monoculus really didn’t want to hurt him, just get him out of the way. He could easily have crushed him!” “Big guy, eh?” “Pretty average for a Cyclops, about thirty feet tall, I’d say.” Hercules took another bite of his sandwich. “Anyway, after I helped Salmoneus out of the tree, we walked to Trachus together. He kept trying to sell me a toga in between cheering me on against the Cyclops!” “Must have been an interesting trip.” “He talked almost as much as you do, Iolaus!” Hercules smiled. “I felt almost like we were old friends!” Iolaus raised his mug to salute Hercules’s little joke. He was glad to see his friend smiling at last and munching heartily on his sandwich. Adventures like this seemed to do the big guy good. Keeping a farm was not all it was cracked up to be, especially without the love and help of a wife. Helping people in trouble, righting wrongs, and fighting bad guys definitely could give a man a purpose in life. “Before we got to town, we met Atreus and Volus, villagers from Trachus,” Hercules went on with his story. “They told us the Cyclops had killed a man while they were working to redirect the river to water their vineyards. The Cyclops had moved its course to water the vineyards of Hera. Her temple was on a hill near the town,” he explained grimly. “I knew I had to help them when I heard about Hera. Why can’t she leave people alone!” Hercules cried passionately, slamming his fist on the bar. “Sorry,” he looked sheepishly around at Micah and the others gathered around as their mugs all jumped at the impact. Iolaus quickly began replacing the spilled beer from his pitcher as Hercules went quietly on with the story. “The villagers were so happy to see me, they insisted on giving a party.” Hercules looked rather embarrassed as he described what happened when he got to Trachus. “It only made me resolve even more to protect them from Hera and her monsters! Salmoneus kept up his sales pitch, but Atreus and I were finally getting into serious discussion of the situation when we were interrupted again!” “The Cyclops attacked?” asked Iolaus, eager for details. “No. Thespius’s daughters showed up!” Hercules glowered when Iolaus burst into a gale of giggles. “It’s not funny, Iolaus! They were very rude to the villagers! Anyway, Salmoneus talked me out of it, he told them I was on the way to Athens. I think he could talk anybody into believing anything!” Hercules shook his head at the recollection of the melee at the village. “Oh! He should have sent the girls here to Thebes!” cried Iolaus, waggling his eyebrows. “Iolaus!” Hercules scolded his friend, rolling his eyes as he took a bite of his sandwich. Iolaus’s enthusiastic appreciation of women was notorious throughout the district. After the men listening in on his story finally stopped laughing and nudging each other with their elbows, Hercules continued his tale. “Some of the villagers weren’t happy about it, either. They thought I should have fought the princesses off with force. But you know I won’t hit a woman. Anyway, later when a woman from the village, Scylla, said that the Cyclops had attacked her, the villagers were crying for his blood, and egging me on to attack him and kill him. When I explained that I’d rather find out the source of his aggression first, they attacked me! Scylla was the only one in the village who seemed to keep some shred of sense!” Hercules thoughtfully sipped his beer, thinking about the unwarranted attack. Hera always seemed to bring out the worst in people. The villagers had been under a lot of stress, and weren’t behaving rationally. “So, anyway, I finally headed up toward the Cyclops’s cave.” “Why do Cyclopes always have to live in caves?” interjected Iolaus, laughing at Hercules’s frown. “He’d been kicked out of town by the villagers, remember? He didn’t have anywhere else to go.” Hercules took a sip of beer. “Salmoneus followed me out there. He had more nerve than the villagers. I heard later that some of the villagers had been working with Hera’s temple priests, and had warned them I was in town. By the time we got to the cave, the Cyclops was expecting us. The high priest Castor had been bullying him and he was ready to explode with his anger!” “Bullied a Cyclops?” Iolaus asked. “How do you bully a guy who’s thirty feet tall?” “I don’t know, Iolaus. How do you bully anybody? Tease them and taunt them and make them feel different and less than human?” Hercules’s cheeks flushed at the memories of his boyhood, as he glanced around the bar room at men who had once done the same to him. Or who had tried to. He acknowledged Iolaus’s encouraging nod with a small smile. Iolaus had been his true friend even then, and had accepted him as he was with no questions asked. “Before we got to the cave, we ran into another problem,” Hercules focused on the events of the last few days. “Don’t tell me!” laughed Iolaus. “The fifty sisters!” “The fifty sisters,” confirmed Hercules with a sigh. “Salmoneus helped me out again. After we tried to run, he finally led them away, so I could get to the Cyclops.” “What a guy! I’d like to meet this Salmoneus!” said Iolaus. “When I got to the cave, as I said, the Cyclops was in a really foul mood. He wanted to fight, but I tried to talk him down. He told me how he was working for Hera’s high priest and thought he was doing the right thing to help divert the river to Hera’s vineyard. I finally convinced him that Hera was just using him, like she uses everyone, and that he had a better chance if he’d ally with the villagers after all.” “And what did he say?” “He said he’d think about it and I went back to town.” Hercules suddenly smiled. “I met Salmoneus on the way. He needed one of his togas! The sisters had grabbed all his clothes and left him with a fig leaf! I think he had a harder time of it than I did! Not that the villagers would believe that. He told them such a tale about my fight with the Cyclops, complete with sound effects and demonstrations, you’d think I’d won the Trojan War single handed!” “Hey, maybe you should hire him to do his routine in here,” said Iolaus to Micah. “He could stand up over there at the end of the bar and tell funny stories. You could have a whole new late night business!” “It wasn’t that funny, Iolaus,” said Hercules. “Well, it was pretty funny, but it gave the villagers a totally wrong idea of what happened!” he admitted. “They were really upset when I had to tell them I hadn’t really killed the Cyclops. Scylla and I finally convinced them that Monoculus was not intent on destroying them and that the best way to beat Hera was to stop being repressed by her and her minions and to divert the river back to their own vineyards, which I agreed to help them do after I met with the daughters of Thespius.” “Ah ha! Decided not to let Salmoneus have all the fun after all?” Iolaus grinned. “No, Iolaus. I wanted to tell the ladies that I didn’t want to marry without loving my wife. And that’s wife, singular!” Hercules paused. “I might meet another special woman to love some day, but none of the sisters was the one.” “And how did they take that?” Iolaus asked. He was always interested in the ways of women. “Well, they accepted it quite well, actually. I hope they might find their own true loves some day, too,” said Hercules. “Here’s to true love,” said Iolaus, holding up his mug with a smile. “To true love,” responded Hercules, clinking his mug against Iolaus’s. They both took a hearty swallow of beer in honor of the sentiment. “So, Herc,” Iolaus said after a pause. “What finally happened with the Cyclops?” “He came to help us with the river!” said Hercules. “I’d gone out to get an early start on the work, and some of the villagers came out eventually, after Scylla came to volunteer.” “A woman! She came to help with such heavy work!” “Yeah, she was great! Even Salmoneus pitched in. He was embarrassed that she was working and he wasn’t. Of course, when she threatened to boycott his togas, that might have been some incentive! Anyway, when Monoculus first showed up, I don’t know who was more surprised, me, or the villagers, or Monoculus. He told us how his old buddy Castor had yelled at him when he questioned his motives for moving the river and had really lost it when he admitted that he hadn’t killed me. The villagers were still scared of him, though, and wouldn’t believe he was there to help them. It got pretty ugly. He refused to stay and Scylla had to run after him to try to convince him that not everyone thought he was a freak.” “So he had one friend, at least,” said Iolaus. “That can make all the difference!” “She was the only one he had, believe me! I tried to talk some sense into them too, to convince them he was not a dangerous maniac, but they had been against him for so long, they just couldn’t see it.” Hercules fiddled with his beer mug before he went on. “I finally gave up, Iolaus, and went after Monoculus and Scylla, to try to convince the guy that she was right, that the rest of the village wasn’t completely nuts. That they’d been under the influence of Hera.” “That wasn’t easy either, I bet,” said Iolaus sympathetically. “The villagers were the least of our problems at that point. When I got there, Monoculus was just telling Scylla that Castor and Hera’s enforcers were about to attack the village. So the three of us went back to see what we could do. I was happy to get all the help I could, especially since you weren’t there, Iolaus,” added Hercules. Iolaus poured more beer into both their glasses as he waited for his friend to finish the story. He wished he had been there, it sounded much more interesting than plowing. Hercules took a sip of beer before he continued his tale. “As we got near the village, Hera’s men attacked before we could sound the alarm. The three of us fought them as best we could.” “But what about the villagers?” asked Iolaus. “Some of them still didn’t want to have anything to do with the Cyclops, or me or Scylla for working with him,” said Hercules reluctantly. “Even though you were defending their own village?” cried Iolaus. “Even though,” said Hercules as his friend muttered something about ungratefulness. “Finally, Salmoneus tried to help and the rest of them finally got the message that they could defeat Hera’s men if they worked together. After the executioners were defeated, the villagers and Monoculus agreed to try living in peaceful coexistance. The last I saw of the Cyclops, he was headed back to his nice, quiet cave. And I hope he can live there in peace for a long, long time.” “So the story has a happy ending, then!” said Iolaus. “What happened to that guy Salmoneus after all that? You didn’t bring him home with you?” “Oh, I think he had a happy ending too,” Hercules said with a smile. “On the way out of the village, we ran into Thespius’s daughters again.” “What! Why didn’t you bring them home with you?” Iolaus raised an eyebrow. Hercules shook his head, smiling at Iolaus’s irrepressible good spirits and love of the fair sex. “They took Salmoneus home with them!” he laughed. He stood up, adding, “And I think I should be getting home too.” “Yeah, buddy, Alcmene will sure be happy to see you!” agreed Iolaus. “I’ll walk with you.” Settling up with Micah, the two friends left the tavern and headed for Alcmene’s house. “Hercules, I still have one question,” said Iolaus as they headed into the golden sunset. “What’s that, Iolaus?” “What’s a toga?” THE END February 2005. Thanks to the GoldApple group for the inspiration! |