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Let me say something right off the bat. I love froot loops. I've loved them since I was a
kid and still enjoy the almost-fruit-like flavor in my bowl today. The people at Kellogg's
are geniuses for making such a delicious cereal.
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I love me some Froot Loops
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Sure, it LOOKS happy...
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However, the people who design the boxes...are on crack.
To prove this claim, i'm going to show you the box of actual Kellogg's Froot Loops I've got
down here at school.
Let's start with the front of the box. Looks normal, right? You'd see this in the grocery
store and go, "Oooh! Froot Loops!" and buy it because you're like me and *BLEEP*ing love
Froot Loops. But looks are decieving at first. Sure we've got the same formated picture
as has always been on the box. Toucan Sam hovering around behind a nice big bowl of the
cereal. Overjoyed because he loves Froot Loops and the assloads of money he gets as mascot.
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And the cute little spelling of Froot Loops, able to incorporate the cereal DIRECTLY INTO
the name! You don't see cheerios doing that, but then again, cheerios were never meant to be
funny, they're for an older audience.
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Magnified to show AWESOMENESS
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The Olympics were Frooty, hah!
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But I digress. If you look up in the top corner you even see that they use natural fruit
flavors, and were even a sponsor for the olympics! Way to go Froot Loops! But none of this
is why I think the artists are on something, no...except maybe that somehow FRUIT flavors
turn into FROOT loops. But that's going way back to the beginning of the cereal and more
research than I care about.
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This is the first sign of insanity! Toucan Sam apparantly has his name tattooed onto his
frickin feathers! I can understand if you've never heard of Froot Loops or Toucan Sam before,
and were possibly wondering "what the hell is with the bird?" but come on! IT'S FRIGGIN
TOUCAN *BLEEP*ING SAM! If you didn't know his name you could look ANYWHERE else on the box,
you don't have to label him like that! However, I think my tattoo theory is sound, becuase
if you look on the bottom of the box...
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The tattoo!
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There it is again! (Blurry, I know, deal with it.)
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...his name is on him again! Every picture of Sam that shows him from the front has his
name emblazoned on his chest. It has to be a tattoo. Apparantly Sam wanted the world to be
absolutely sure that it's really him when they see him walking down the street. Amazing.
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Anyway, other than that giganticly stupid move, the front of the box is quite normal...but
what's this? Help is needed? Alien fruit monster? Sheeeeet, this looks like a job for me, a
guy who really *BLEEP*ing likes his Froot Loops. Let us follow this arrow and see what kind
of adventure this leads us to!
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OH SHEET!
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Please ignore the Alyson in the background.
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So we turn to the side of the box. It looks rather normal with it's hovering Froot Loop
pieces. And look, it even tells the story of what's going on! Apparantly the Alien Fruit
Monster has stolen Sam's cereal. And now he must pay! We gotta track him down! Sure it's
only one box of cereal...and sure Sam could just get another since the monster only wants
that ONE box.
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But that monster stole. And the kids gotta know...stealing is wrong.
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You tell 'em police-dude.
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Mobius Tree!!!
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So we turn to the back of the box and...whoa! WTF!? Optical Illusion Extraordinare!
Seriously, look at the corner of the box. Toucan sam Is one continuous image, but apparantly
he lives in a strange kind of mobius tree or something. On the side of the box, he's inside,
on the back he's outside. With absolutely NO BREAK between the two images! The inside and
outside of that tree are the same thing. Little kids everywhere are looking at this box right
now and having seizures because their still somewhat undeveloped minds cannot physically
handle this kind of craziness in their morning cereal.
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This is quite possibly the ultimate proof the artists are on something. Though I have to
admit I really can't complain about this one. It reminds me of that famous staircase
picture, and I do love insane optical illusions.
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Escher's Relativity. I love this picture.
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Welcome to the Jungle...
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But now we're just stalling, and that monster is just getting farther and farther away with
Sam's Froot Loops, so let's get all the way to the back now.
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Here we've got the instructions. "Help Toucan Sam find the Alien Fruit Monster...and the
ultimate fruity taste!" Now, is it just me, or does it look like the ULTIMATE fruity taste
is just an afterthought. I mean, I know our main target is the thieving alien, and stealing
is wrong and whatnot. But it's the ULTIMATE fruity taste! ULTIMATE! As in, none better
anywhere else in the known universe! Something like that should be a little bit more
prioritized, don't you think? Not "OMG! FIND THE ALIEN!!!!1!shift.......oh yeah, and while
you're at it could you get the ultimate fruity taste, too? Thanks."
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Simple enough, right?
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Dangerous jungle paths
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And of course, the only way to track down this alien is to go through this maze of trails
through the jungle. Is it starting to click in yet just how dangerous this is?
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Brave a harsh jungle with it's dangerous residents...
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SNAKE!!!
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Something smells like cherries? You think maybe it's the *bleep*ing cherries?!?!
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...horrible quips spoken by a disembodied voice...
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...all to find a GIANT PSYCHOTIC ALIEN.
Apparantly to Toucan Sam, this cereal is more valuable than GOLD.
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The FIEND!
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See? He can fly!
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Which, by the way, brings up an interesting point. If Toucan Sam cares about this cereal so
much, why isn't he going to get it? Why do we have to do his dirty work for him? I mean,
he's 10 times more qualified. He, being a Toucan, is a BIRD and can FLY. Now, the last time
I checked, being able to fly means you aren't restricted to jungle paths like we are.
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it DOES have wings
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=/=
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Maybe if I REALLY believe...
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Allow me to demonstrate. Here I've plotted the path that we would have to take to reach the
alien by using the jungle paths.
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Kinda roundabout...
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Much easier!
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And HERE is the path Sam would have to take! I think we can see who would have a much
easier time tracking down this alien. And if time really is of the essence, then I think Sam
is on his own with this one.
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