The Perfect Life

Title: The Perfect Life
Author: Beatles
Story Rating: PG-13
Theme: Harper
Summary: Harper finds a way to deal with the torture of his past.



It was going to be a normal day, nothing special, no surprises, nothing, thought Harper, yeah, just like when we came across that high guard station, or no, how about the time when they met the legendary consensus of parts, or the time when they came across Orca pride, or the meeting with the Castilians, and he thought the worst part of that was having to wear a suit. No, he had learned that there was no such thing as a normal day, especially when they were going to deal with Nietzscheans.

Nietzscheans, he remembered all too vividly… Suddenly he heard Dylan’s voice. “Harper, how much longer before we reach the Midgard system? I asked you a question.”

“Uhhh,” said Harper, suddenly thrown out of his past. “A couple of hours, three at most.”

Dylan looked at him quizzically, Harper was never this nervous about anything, why should this be any different? “Maintain focus, Mr. Harper, we don’t want to be thrown back in time again, do we?” He looked at Trance jokingly.

“Focus, yeah, uh, right.” A couple hours later, they reached the Midgard system. Harper grew increasingly anxious by the second.

“Tyr, you take over the pilot seat, Harper, a word?” Relieved, Harper obeyed, they walked out into the corridor.

“What is the matter with you Harper?”

“What’s the matter, with me?? Nothing, I’m fine.”

“Don’t mock my intelligence, you’re nervous about something, I want to know why.”

“Nervous, me, no, what makes you think that?”

“You’ve just been unusually, quiet, today. Not yourself.”

“Ah, ok, I’ll keep that in mind next time I’m piloting.” Harper felt strange, his heart was going so fast it was going to burst, he shook a little, it felt like he was going to pass out, calm down, just calm down, it’s gonna be fine, nothing’s gonna happen, those words only made him shake harder. Five hours, right, minutes seemed like hours, oh why was he this nervous, he hadn’t been this nervous in a long time, he couldn’t remember how long, why was he so nervous, this was annoying, this hadn’t been his first contact with Nietzscheans, nor would it be his last, get used to it, he thought. Get used to it, yeah, right, he’d been trying to get used to it as long as he remembered. It’ll be over soon, it’ll be fine.

“Maybe you should go to your quarters, take some rest?”

“Uh, sure, yeah.” He turned to leave, maybe he’d just have some time to think this through, sort his feelings, try to find a positive side to all this. Yeah, right, oh well. Dylan watched him leave, curious as to why there had been such a change. Beka walked up, with a concerned look on her face.

“So, where’s Harper?”

“I told him to go to his quarters, get some rest, he’s looked unusually tired today, any idea why?”

“Well, we are dealing with Nietzscheans, but I’ve never seen him so nervous before. It’s strange. Like he senses something about to happen, that none of us can see. Disturbing.”

"I for one am not going to start believing in any apprehensions, but I want you to keep an eye on him, make sure he’s ok.”

“With pleasure.”

She walked to Harper’s quarters, sure she had seen him nervous before, but never like this, never enough to keep him from talking and joking around, as a matter of fact, typically when he was nervous, he would laugh more than ever. She opened the door. “Anyone home?”

“Hm? Yeah, sure, come in.” Harper was pacing the room, frantically, his hands were shaking, and she hadn’t heard him talk this fast since their encounter with Yeager.

“Thanks” She sat down, and paused, waiting for him to sit down. “Make yourself comfortable.”

“Oh, yeah.” he sat down, but not comfortably, his muscles were still tensed, his hands still shook.

“I have never seen this side of you. What’s the matter?” She was concerned, this guy was like a younger brother to her, ever since they had left Earth, he had looked up to her, but her words came out more jokingly than seriously.

“What’s the matter, what’s the matter? Is that all everyone has to say? Why do they want to know? How do they even know something’s the matter?” He stood up.

“Gee, I wonder.” Mumbled Beka, “really, something’s bothering you.”

He looked at her, annoyed. “We’re trying to deal with Nietzscheans!” He started pacing again, faster than before, almost as if he was trying to escape his past, but trying not to show it, she could hear his breath, fast and uneven.

“Harper I realize that you’ve had some pretty bad experiences with Nietzscheans, but this pride has agreed to consider negotiation, and you know Dylan can’t resist negotiations.”

He shrugged, she was right, she was always right, well, usually, he had no choice, they were going to negotiate, he was going to deal with it.

Beka turned to leave. “I’m going to go get ready to ambassadorize with the Nietzscheans.” She smiled sarcastically, then walked out of the room.

“Right.” She made it seem so, routine, she didn’t get it, no one did, oh well, maybe that was for the best.

2 hours, 2 hours, hey, that’s enough time to get some more work in on his x1. Down at the machine shop, he looked at his creation; he put on his tool belt, picked up a soldering wand, and started working. Yeah, working always gave him some time to sort out his thoughts, to really think, partially because no one would bother him there, he laughed to himself. Looking at the machine, he wondered what to do next, this wasn’t going to work, he couldn’t think about it, what was wrong? WHOA, half an hour left, had he really spent that long just standing there?

“Guess I better go get ready.”



Down at the planet, negotiations were going smoothly, nothing special, just like Dylan had promised, there had been nothing to worry about, Harper laughed, he wouldn’t be comfortable until several light-hours separated himself and the Nietzscheans, and it didn’t look like this would happen any time soon. “Well I will consider your offer, captain, the outcome looks most promising.”

“Good, I’m glad, final negotiations 0900 hours from now?”

“Very well.” Something was going to happen, oh, something was going to happen, Nietzscheans and negotiations, the two didn’t go together, oh well, they were leaving, standing up, good, we’re leaving, he told himself, good, relief, he felt dizzy, tired, suddenly, chaos erupted in front of him. A group of Nietzscheans had walked into the room, they were firing, some sort of bullet, what? He ran, hid, instinctively, this was all too familiar. Dylan, Rommie, Beka, Trance, Rev, even Tyr, they all fell before him, dead? How was he supposed to know, he couldn’t leave, he had to stay there, but how much good would that do, he felt a sharp pain, he fell unconscious to the ground.

When Harper woke up, he was in a small room, Beka was beside him, where was he? Where was everyone else, questions raced through his mind, but it was too painful to ask. “Shhh, shh, everything’s gonna be ok, yeah, shhhh.” She was worried, he knew that tone of voice, something was wrong, he looked around, small, brown inside, stone walls, not any ship, some planet, planet, where was he, what happened?

He forced out a couple of words, “Where? How?” She shrugged. “Remember the negotiations? Nietzscheans?” He hadn’t remembered before, but the word Nietzscheans, he remembered. They had been on earth, Nietzscheans had attacked, he ran for cover, people were falling all around him, safe, safe, but they found him, his muscles tightened in pain, a look of fear gripped his face, Beka looked worried, “What’s wrong? Damnit Harper, tell me something!”

His breath quickened, “No, no, why did they have to get mom?!”

“WHAT!? Make sense, come on, Seamus! Where are you?”

“Earth.”

“Earth? No, you are on Midgard, you are on Midgard, did you hear me?!”

“Nietzschean Lies. Where’s everyone else?”

“I don’t know. Ok, rest.”

He fell asleep almost immediately, but not a peaceful sleep, it was torn with nightmares, flashbacks, why is it so difficult to let go of the past?



As Harper woke up, he noticed a change in his surroundings, the pain was gone now, dulled at least, had it been some sort of nerve toxin? Well, he had other things to think about, where was he, now? Hadn’t Becka been with him before?? Where was she, Beka? Oh well, right now he’d play along.

“Seamus Harper.” The voice said in the background, it was not the voice of the Nietzschean at the negotiation, this voice was rough, harsh, deep, how did he know his name?? “Of the planet Earth.” How did they know who he was?

Confused, his words came out sharply, “What?”

Suddenly the Nietzschean bent over him, dark hair, green eyes, where had he seen that face before?

*FLASHBACK* “If we ever meet again” *FLASHBACK*

That was all he could remember, if we ever meet again? What? He could only assume it was not good, but he would have preferred to remember more. The voice came again. “I believe I have something to give you.”

“Give me?” Still dazed by the neural toxin, and confused by the sudden change in the surroundings, he forced out a reply.

“Why?”

“I can take away the pain of your past, in an instant.” The Nietzschean smiled.

Harper let out a sound of contempt, “At what price?” He knew far too well that every gift from a Nietzschean had a price, he fought the memories, ‘I have worse troubles,’ he told himself. Why were all of his memories of earth suddenly coming back to him? Couldn’t he forget, couldn’t they just go away, or was this some sort of side effect to the neural toxin?

“No price, take it as a gift.” The Nietzschean filled a small tube with a white, thick liquid.

Harper tried to get away, struggling against the bonds that he now realized prevented his escape.

“Come on now, won’t you just try it?” The Nietzschean laughed, he struggled harder. Fastening the tube into a small needle, the Nietzschean came towards Harper, attempting to escape was futile, but he could try, just move around enough to confuse the Nietzschean, he hoped, but he knew he would just be pinned down.

His suspicions were proven correct when another Nietzschean walked over, taking his shoulders, and pinning him down with seemingly no effort, muscles still tensed, his breathing quickened, it seemed the only two things in the universe at that moment were the needle and the menacing being that proceeded towards him, memories fought to get through, but the fear was stronger, fear that he hadn’t felt, he pushed the images of Magog out of his mind, focusing only on the needle that was now dangerously close, he felt it penetrate his skin, the liquid entered his bloodstream, his breathing slowed, muscles loosened, it was over, in fact, what had he been so afraid of in the first place? They released his bonds.

He heard faint voices in the background, “When will he be ready?”

“The drug has already started to take effect, if everything goes as planned, it’ll only be a couple of weeks.”

What the… Who’s ‘he’? Oh well, don’t worry about it. They sent him back to the Andromeda, where he was delighted to find the rest of the crew.

“Where were you?” asked Dylan. What? Didn’t he remember the planet? The negotiations, the room? Or had he missed that? Harper couldn’t remember who had been there, possibly they had just taken him, and let everyone else go, who knows, he thought, content.

“Seamus?” Beka’s voice came through his thoughts.

“Uhhh, I was, um, repairing something?”

“Uh huh, on Midgard?” he noticed the sarcasm in her voice.

“Yeah, uh, I gotta go do something, real quick, I’ll be back.” He rushed off to his quarters, the rest of the crew mystified behind him, thoughts rushed through his head, what’s going on? Why can’t they remember? What did they do to me?

Neural suppressant! Neural suppressant. That’s it, that’s what this is, he looked at the tube he had in his hand, it was meant to stop the feelings of pain, he still had his painful memories, but they didn’t hurt him anymore; he saw Declan and Siobhan, but now when he saw them, he remembered all the good that had preceeded the brutal attack. He had to hide this, keep it from everyone else, he had to keep this to himself, they wouldn’t get it.

Back at the bridge, Dylan confronted Becka about Harper. “Has he ever acted this way before? In any way?”

“I’m as bewildered as you are, it’s, strange, he hasn’t been himself for a while now. I’ll go check, see what’s up.”

“Keep me informed.”

“Yeah.” Beka walked off.

She reached Harper’s quarters, and entered the same way she had before. "Anybody home?”

“Yeah, make yourself comfortable, great isn’t it, life on the Andromeda, paradise, hehe.”

“Seamus?”

“Yeah, Seamus, that’s my name.”

“Yeah, Dylan was wondering if anything was the matter, you have been, different recently, we were just wondering what’s up?”

“What’s up, nothing, nothing at all, nothing what so ever, so many ways to get across a single point.”

“Yeah, fascinating, I was hoping for an answer.” She smiled sarcastically, and Harper knew he couldn’t evade many more questions.

He decided the only way to keep his secret was to give very selective responses. “Yeah, well, ever since we left the planet-”

“Left the planet? Harper? You okay?” What was wrong with her? She should remember, she had been right beside him at the negotiations, or at least, he thought she had been beside him. Come to think of it, that was getting faded, he had to remember, this was too weird.

“Yeah, we were flying to Midgard, and we negotiated with the Nietzscheans, they were going to accept, but when we turned to leave, they attacked, don’t you remember Beka?"

“No, no I’d have to say I don’t remember that part.” She said it so sarcastically; didn’t she get it? She didn’t remember anything?? Oh well, he wouldn’t force her to remember yet, let her think he was crazy for a while, why was he trying to evade her questions anyway? She would understand, wouldn’t she? He couldn’t take any chances, not yet.

“And Harper, try to get some sleep, you look exhausted.” As Beka left, Harper realized that he was starting to have flashbacks again, and it wasn’t with the apathy he had remembered them just a few minutes ago, he needed more of the suppressant. Careful not to attract attention from Rommie’s sensors, he made his way over to his bed, where he was keeping the drug. Feeling under the ledge, he found the tube, drawing very little liquid from it, he injected the needle into his arm, the way the Nietzschean had, good, it was working, lying on his bed, he fell fast asleep.

He woke up in med deck. “Uh, what?” He was surprised to wake up in such different surroundings, again. Well, at least he wasn’t waking up to a magog attack, or a Nietzschean raid, he thought, finally he was able to get over his past.

“Hey, keep still. You'd been acting really strange lately, so I decided to do an analysis on-”

“I am fine, Trance, so if you don’t mind, I will get back to my work on the Andromeda, if that’s ok, thank you, bye.” He got up and turned to leave.

Trance gave him a stern look. “You come-”

“Ah, Trance, I think it’s best to let Harper go do whatever he was going to do.”

“B-”

“That’s an order.” Saved by the captain, thank goodness.

As Harper turned to leave, Dylan motioned Trance over. “We don’t know what’s wrong with him, it could be a fever, some sort of poisoning, we don’t know, Dylan, I need to run a full analysis on all of his systems.”

“We do know, after bringing Harper to med deck, I had Rommie to scan Harper’s quarters, to find possible toxins that would make him act this way, this is what she found.” He held up a small tube full of the white liquid.

Trance’s face showed a look of disbelief. “You mean he’s been poisoning himself?”

“I’m having Beka confront Harper about it, I want to know what’s going on, and why.”

Back in Harper’s quarters, he was getting the substance ready to move, if they were going to be in his quarters without his supervision, he had to make sure they didn’t find it, machine shop. He reached for the tube, funny, it had been more full before, but he could have been hallucinating, or it compressed, there were any number of explanations. “Hands up!”

He jumped, only to find Beka. “Oh, hi, didn’t expect to find you here!” He laughed; her face remained the same. “What is this!?” She took the tube from his hand. “I asked you a question!”

“Nothing! Now give me that, I need it!”

“It’s paradise isn’t it? Do you have any idea of how powerful this is?! It’s as powerful as flash you inject, Harper, it’s like flash! You remember my dad?”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, he fried himself on flash, give it!”

“Harper you’ll kill yourself!”

“You don’t get it!” He was getting annoyed, she didn’t get it, she didn’t know what he had had to deal with before, watching people die, just standing there, watching them die, not being able to help them, maybe if he had… “Beka, I need that!!”

“Don’t get it? The hell I don’t get it!”

“Beka, you don’t know what you’re talking about, I need that!”

“No! Seamus, you know what happens after you take this for a while, your nerves shut down, the toxin builds up, the electric pulses in your brain slow to a stop, it kills you. After you have to start taking more to feel the same-”

“That’s not going to happen for a while with me, I grew up in a refugee camp, remember? My immune system won’t have a reaction for a while. Earth, that’s exactly the point, Earth, if I hadn’t grown up in the darkest most painful place in the universe, I wouldn’t need this, but you know what I have to put up with? No, you lived a life on luxury growing up on the Maru, I, I-”

“You lived with it for years, I’ve known you for 8 years, Seamus, you lived with it before, you don’t need this.”

“Do you have any idea of what I had to put up for those 8 years?” He felt the effects of the suppressant start to wear off, and knew the flashbacks would start soon; a lump formed in his throat. “Do you? No, you grew up on the Maru, lucky. See, every day, I’d wake up from a nightmare, Magog, Nietzscheans, some plague. Then I’d wake up, and the first thing I saw in the morning was someone dying. My mom, my cousins, some other part of my family, die, all over again, I’ve seen them die a thousand times, Beka, and wondered what I could have done to stop it.

"I watched, everybody I cared about, die, in front of me, and you know what I did? I stood there, watched, knowing there was nothing I could do, nothing except survive. My mom, my dad, my uncle, my friends, my aunt, my cousins, Declan, Sibhan. I stood there, while some of them were murdered by Nietzscheans, others were eaten by Magog, and Declan and Sibhan had to be killed by my own family, I KILLED THEM!

"And every morning, as I wake up, that’s all I can see, over and over, is my family dying. I can’t live with it any more, I won’t live like that any more.” Blinking back the tears, he tried to keep the memories from flooding into his mind. Why hadn’t he helped them, how could he have helped them, where would he be if Becka hadn’t rescued him from that forsaken place?

“Oh, Seamus, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“You didn’t do anything, I mean, you have, I don’t know what I mean.” He forced out a laugh.

“Come on.”

“Where?”

“Med deck, well, I was wondering if you wanted to get some of those memories removed, temporarily, I mean, you wouldn’t have to deal with the nightmares and flashbacks for a while, maybe for long enough for you to start to accept it.”

“I’ll think about it.” He decided to go work on his X1; that always gave him something else to focus on.



Back at command, Beka was telling Dylan what happened. “You sympathize with him?” Dylan was shocked.

“No, not really, I mean, in a way, he told me about why he was using it, he’s lived through some pretty horrible stuff.”

“I’m not going to let him run away from his past, pain is a part of life, Becka you of all people should know that. Wasn’t it you who told me that ‘It’s called life, it hurts’? Just because you think of Harper as your little brother, you can’t let him hurt himself like this.”

“If you had been there, you would get it, anyway, I’ve offered to let him erase some of his extremely painful memories, just long enough for him to learn to accept death as a part of life.”

“Without my authorization?”

“I’m not just any person Dylan, I know Harper better than you ever will, and this could really help him deal with the pain of his past, we could save the memories, put them back as soon as-”

“No.” He had that look again, Dylan was not going to give in. Oh well.

Harper looked at the frame of his plane, oh it was beautiful, all silver, metallic, perfect, but what else would he expect from himself? Forcing out a laugh, he felt the lump return to his throat.

“Could I be of any assistance?”

“Rev!” Whew, being startled by the Magog was not something he really needed right now. “Uh, yeah, could you hand me that?”

Rev picked up a small laser tool, and handed it to Harper. “I heard about your disturbing memories.”

“What, Beka tell you?” He smiled.

“Very perceptive.” Rev smiled. “Tell me, are you considering her offer?”

“Offer?”

“To temporarily erase some of your memories.”

“I don’t know, hadn’t really thought about it, I guess. You think I should?”

“Do you want my advice?”

“Yeah, that would help.”

“If I may be so bold, you should get through this on your own, without erasing your memories.”

“I’ve tried, I have, I don’t know if I can.”

“Harper, do you remember what I taught you? My pain belongs to the divine, it is like air, it is like water.”

“My pain belongs to the divine, it is like air, it is like water. My pain belongs to the divine, it is like air, it is like water.”

“Repeat this when you feel the memories, you can trust me.”

“I never thought I’d trust a Magog.” He smiled, a weak smile, but a smile none the less. This wasn’t going to be as hard as he thought.

“Very good, trust and a smile.” As Rev bowed and left, Beka entered. Wasn’t this just the day he’d had the most visits. He smiled to himself, but now he’d have to make his decision.

“So, have you thought about my idea?”

“Yeah, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t think I want to.” This had been harder than he thought.

“You don’t think you want to?”

“I mean, I think I can live without it, for now, besides, I don’t want the same thing to happen again, do I?”

“You are one strange and unpredictable kid, Seamus Harper.”

“Thank you.” He smiled, she laughed, he had family, right here, on the Andromeda, and he wasn’t going to lose this family.


To Beatles' Fan Fiction
Home