Title: Shopping Disaster
Author: Melissa, aka ILH
Rating: Strong R for sex toys
Summary: Beka and Harper visit an interesting shop during their shore leave...
Fandom: Andromeda
Disclaimer: Andromeda is property of Tribune.
Beka Valentine paced outside the door of the inconspicuous shop in the center of Nivia Drift. The usually calm and cool ship captain was visibly nervous and agitated. She peered into the dark tinted window for the eighth time, debating whether to enter or not.
"Hey, Beka!" Harper said loudly from directly behind Beka. "Dylan-"
Beka pushed open the door and pulled the surprised engineer into the shop.
"Shhhhhh!" She put a finger over his lips.
Harper pulled away from Beka and glanced around in amusement. "This is a-"
"I know!" Beka said in a low voice.
"I didn't think you were into this stuff, Boss," Harper said, a grin forming on his face.
"I'm not, but I haven't had any...opportunities since we've been on Andromeda, and...wait a minute. I don't have to justify this to you."
"We could just leave this shop and go back to the Maru, just the two of us, and-"
"Harper," Beka said, rolling her eyes, "I don't think so."
"So, whaddya have in mind?" Harper picked up a box containing a long, thick dildo. "You going for Tyr size?" He picked up another box with a smaller version of the same dildo. "Maybe Dylan size?" He moved toward the back wall where there was more unique merchandise. He dug through a bin of items labelled clearance. "Hey, they even have a Rev model!" He flashed a box containing a furry dildo at Beka.
"Makra dildos?" Beka cringed. "That can't be pleasant. And Harper?"
"Yeah?" He threw the box back into the bin and returned to Beka.
"Shut up." Beka scanned the wall in front of her for something acceptable. "In fact, why don't you go back to the Maru and wait for me there?"
"But this place is a hell of a lot more interesting than the Maru." Harper lifted three ben wa balls from a display and started juggling them. "Betcha didn't know I could do that. The Harper's got all kinds of hidden talents, and maybe I'll show ya some if we go back to the Maru together and get-"
"Harper," Beka warned.
"Okay, okay. You're no fun, Boss." Harper returned the ben wa balls to the display and wandered into the BDSM section.
"None of these are right," Beka said to herself, moving down the aisle. "Too big...too natural...too Nietzschean. What woman in her right mind gonna shove something covered with a bunch of spikes in her-"
"Hey, look at me, Beka!" Harper was bouncing down the aisle on a Vedran blow-up doll with a whip in his hand. He snapped the whip loudly. "Ride 'em cowboy! Yeehaw!"
Beka's jaw dropped. "Harper! Put those back!"
"C'mon, Beka. There's room for two on this..." Harper raised his eyebrow and looked down at the huge blue dildo attached to the underside of the blow-up doll, "well-endowed stallion."
Everyone in the store turned to look at Beka and Harper.
Beka was visibly embarrassed, but Harper seemed unfazed.
"Fine." Harper sighed and turned around. "Hiho, Silver!" He bounced off on the Vedran blow-up doll, cracking the whip every few seconds.
"Now, where was I?" Beka returned to gazing over the merchandise on the wall. "This one has thirty-two attachments? You can slice, dice and julienne with it and use it to clean household applicances and AP valves? The Intergalactic Health and Wellness Commission would have a field day in this shop..."
"I'm a Perseid mad scientist! Mwahahahaha!" Harper said in a strange accent. He was wearing a blue-gray strap-on on his chin and holding a large vial-shaped container of bright neon green lube. "And this is my newest invention."
Beka took the vial from Harper. "'Just strip, dip and take her on an unforgettable trip?' Who writes this garbage?"
"I dunno." Harper took the strap-on off of his face and tossed both it and the vial up on top of the shelf. This caused a chain reaction avalanche of sex toys to fall on top of both Harper and Beka. One box hit the top of Beka's head before she could duck.
"Ow! These are heavier than they look," Beka complained as rubbed her head where a box had made contact with it. She picked up the box in question. "Nice..."
"Let me see, let me see!" Harper jumped to his feet and looked at the box. "Sparkly and purple with a bobble on the end? You've got a thing for Trance's tail, don't you?"
"No!" Beka immediately replied, defensively. "It's just a coincidence that this looks a tiny bit like Trance's tail. Not enough enough of a similarity to compare them really."
"Sure, Bek. Whateeeeever you say. But I think Trance'll find it a very interesting tidbit when I tell her."
"Don't you dare, Harper, if you do I'm-"
"Sorry, Boss. You said to head back to the Maru, and I've gotta jet." With that, Harper sprinted out of the shop.
"Dammit," Beka muttered under her breath. "The two biggest gossips on the ship won't stay quiet for long." She sighed and picked up two other boxes. "I should probably stock up for the next month I'm going to be spending in my quarters avoiding them..."