An Old-Fashioned Tail

Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda

by R. John Burke

sburke@capecod.net

DISCLAIMER: Andromeda is a copyright of Tribune Entertainment. I can check, but I'm pretty sure I'm not them. Therefore, this must be fan fiction. It is non-profit and not for sale in any form.

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I guess I'd have to start with Vex-Pag. Vex-Pag was a nasty-looking Perseid who used to quibble with me about every little technical detail.

I hate it when people tell me how to do my job. I mean, let's face it, I am my job. I'm a terrific engineer. When I'm down in the engine room, I expect everybody else to bow to my brilliance and get the hell out of the way.

Vex-Pak stepped into a corridor one day. The corridor wasn't properly sealed. I tried to tell him the corridor wasn't properly sealed, but he never listened to me. Why listen to Harper, right? He's just some damn mudfoot. What could he possibly know about engineering?

Vex-Pak is dead now. I don't miss him. I mean, I feel sorry for the guy and all, but I don't miss him.

That's how it is, when you grow up on Earth. You laugh with people, you joke with people, but you don't ever get close to people. You learn that young, the first time somebody dies. People just aren't going to be around long enough to bother getting close.

I guess I made half an exception for Beka Valentine and Rev Bem. They were my other shipmates on the Eureka Maru, besides the unlamented Vex-Pak. They used to stay out of my engine room and let me work. I liked them, but I still kept them at arm's length.

That was only smart. I was Seamus Zelazny Harper, universally recognized super genius and (it stood to reason) future Master of all Things. I didn't need anybody else to cry for.

That changed when I met Trance Gemini. I don't know if she changed it, or if I changed. I guess it doesn't matter. We'll leave that question to the philosophers.

To tell you the truth, I didn't like her much at first. She's such a... well, I don't know what the word is, really. Let's just say she's an acquired taste.

I still remember that first day at Eisenberg Cliffs. Ever been there? No? You're lucky. That place is just empty. I mean, you look out the window and all you see is brown. But that's okay, 'cause when you get out of the ship and walk around, you get to see: A lot more brown. But then, if you take one of the skimmer tours out beyond the mountains, you see some brown plants and brown dirt and, if you're really lucky, some big, brown birds.

Got the picture? Basically it's just brown, for miles around and in every direction. We'd been there about two weeks, hoping to pick up a job to pay the grocery bills, and even I was getting bored. That's bad, because I can usually amuse myself for hours just with my own, special brand of wit.

So that's where Trance comes in. It's lunchtime, right, and I'm so tired of the brown that I'm actually grilling Rev about Wayism, and in comes boss lady Beka, dragging this purple chick with her...

*****

"The fundamental thing to realize is that it all fits. There is no detail that lacks significance, if a Wayist has eyes..."

"Yeah, well that's just wonderful." Zoom in on the scene, to that booth in the corner of the spaceport cafeteria. That's the one. The boyishly handsome guy in the Hawaiian shirt is me. The bat-faced guy next to him is our Reverend Bug-Eyed Monster, or Rev Bem. That's pretty much all you have to know. Except, of course, that Harper = Good. "But what help are all those details against a rampaging horde of-- no offense-- butt-ugly and hungry Magog?"

Rev wasn't offended. Sometimes I think you couldn't offend Rev if you smacked into him with a steamroller. "That is the importance of acceptance, the knowledge that the Divine does not create hardship without cause."

"Pretty slim consolation, if you ask me. But I guess you'd--"

"Hey, guys!" That was Beka's voice. Let the record show that if I'm ever reincarnated, I want to be just like Beka Valentine (but with my own, magnificent intellect). Boss Lady's got it all: The look, the attitude, the really good aim. These are important life-building skills in the post-Commonwealth galaxy.

I practically jumped out of my seat. "Yes! Tell me you've come to take me away from all this!"

"Well... er, yes and no." That was when Beka glances over her shoulder, and along comes this sparkly purple babe... with a tail. I've never seen her species before, and if I don't know it, it just isn't known. "Guys... this is Trance Gemini."

Well, the gal is just too cute, you know? First of all, she's actually hiding behind Beka, peeking over her shoulder, like it's the first day of kindergarten. Then she does this little wave.

"Umm... hi."

Okay, let's clear something up: I don't do cute. I had a teddy bear as a child. At age seven, I ripped his freaking head off to test my working particle accelerator. The operation was a failure, but the patient splattered real good.

So here I'm already thinking the newbie is a waste of time, albeit a nicely-put-together one, and her attempts at conversation do not encourage me. I'm hoping Beka's not going to say this is who she hired as the new environmental officer.

But lo and behold, the Boss Lady goes on to confirm my worst fears: Trance is onboard, part of the crew, Our New Roomie. Then she goes off on a tangent about how she just found out about this wreck in Epsilon Drift, and she never would've done it without Trance, because the purple chick just happened to dump a bowl of soup in Beka's lap, which sent Beka to the head, where she overheard these two spacers talking...

It's your basic giant coincidence, and just as I'm wondering why the hell Beka's putting any stock in this, it hits me: Trance is the lost puppy. See, Beka Valentine is not what we call a softie, not usually, but once in a while she gets it in her head to fight for the underdog, and there's just no stopping her. I remember this time off Seraglio, we found this salvage crate with four live Vedran minx kits inside... Long story short, I wanted to space 'em, I got outvoted.

So I'm thinking this Trance must have looked so pathetic and so sorry after that whole soup-spilling incident that it touched off the Lost Puppy sensor, and when she claimed to be an ES tech, Beka decided it was fate.

Which just goes to show you that these people would be lost without me. I decided to spring a pop quiz on the pixie.

"So, Trance," I said while we shook hands (she even has a cute handshake, can you friggin' beat that?), "y'know, our last ES Ops just recently bought the farm. You think you can handle his job?"

"Well... well, I'm sure going to do my best!"

Cripes. A cute answer. Time to put everybody out of their misery.

"Great, so when we get back to the Maru you can help me realign the oxygen vents."

"Sure," she said. "I'd like that. I want to pitch right in."

"Uh-huh. I'm thinking a .015 separation curve is just right for the starboard vents. I just can't decide whether to run the port vents at .007 or .009. What d'you think?"

Trance scrunched up her face in an unbelievably cute look of concentration. "Well, I don't think you can run even as low as .009, with the other side at .015. Don't the vents on a Maru-class have to be within .002 degrees of each other's alignment?"

"Ah-hah!" I said, pumping my fist in triumph. Time to spring the trick question...

"Also, I'm pretty sure the vents are identified as being fore and aft, not starboard and port. Unless you have a Krenix system. Do you have a Krenix circulator installed?"

Beka smirked at me, and I smirked right back. Okay, I thought, so she's really an ES tech. That doesn't prove anything.

"No," I said. "We don't have a Krenix."

"Is it a micron overhaul, then? Or maybe a...?"

"Okay, okay, uncle, already! Welcome to the crew..."

Hey, I'm just a jerk, not an ogre. At that point, I figured she couldn't be any worse than Vex-Pag, and I try never to object too strenuously to being surrounded by lovely ladies. But I still gave Beka a look that said We'll discuss this later...

We never did, though. I dunno; maybe it was because Trance smiled at me then, and the lost puppy look got under my skin. Maybe it was the way Rev was radiating disapproval in my direction. Or maybe it was the giant Nietzschean who smashed into the table at that moment.

Seems there was some kind of disagreement between two members of the local Pride, and they'd chosen to ruin everybody's appetite with a little floor show. I was just backing away from the previously-airborne Niet, when I ran smack into his dance partner.

"Is there a problem, runt?" I shook my head. "Then get out of my way."

Well, you can believe I was backpedaling as fast as my legs could carry me. You just don't butt into a dominance fight between Niets, especially when they're both big enough to squash you like a grape. But just as I was phasing the hell out of there, I stepped on something.

You guessed it. That tail. That prehensile, blue, what-the-hell-is-it-doing-underfoot tail. I mean, I don't even know how Trance got to be between me and safety. But suddenly she's hissing like a cat with its tail in a rocker and I'm going down and we're tumbling all together...

Yeah, I know it sounds fun. At the time, it was terrifying.

Then there's this squishy sound, and a loud curse. Something else lands on top of us, and I can hardly breath because Trance is crushing me...

Now that I think about it, maybe that is when it started. I'd never thought of purple as a particularly warm color, before.

"Sorry," she murmured, right into my ear.

"Uh... no problem."

Then, suddenly (too soon?), the weight was gone. Beka helped Trance up, and Rev helped me, and I figured out what happened.

The Nietzschean who hit the table had a knife. He was making a run at his buddy, and I was right in the way. If I hadn't hit the deck exactly when I did, the Maru today would be without its dashing boy genius.

In a way-- in a kind of weird, freaky way that was to become very familiar in the next couple of months-- Trance saved my neck. I didn't even have time for my life to flash before my eyes.

Probably because I was too busy staring at our new ES officer, all the way back to the Maru.

*****

We blasted off that night for Epsilon Drift, and not only found the salvage-- our biggest score in months-- but a Nightsider named Tevrex, who worked off a mining station in the area. He offered us fifteen hundred guilders per kilogram for any Commonwealth-era High Guard material we could find.

We didn't know it at the time, but Tevrex's cousin was a smarmy rat named Gerentex, who was going to loom kind of large in our futures.

But I don't want to lose the narrative. Picture it: We've got cash in our pockets, a steady source of income working for Tevrex, and a real home port like we haven't had since me and Beka skipped Witchhead Station years ago. It's a good time to work on the Eureka Maru.

Especially for me. I hated to admit it, but this Trance Gemini was really getting to me. First of all, to my eternal surprise, she was a lot smarter than she looked. I mean, she had the airhead act and I guess that worked for her, but she's wasn't really like that. I don't know if I can explain it.

Wait. Yeah, I can. Okay, the thing with Trance was everything was a big mystery. We didn't know where she was from or what her past was like or even what kind of critter she might be. So you'd ask her, right, and she'd stall. But you keep pushing, 'cause now you're really curious. So she starts to give you a straight answer... and then, bam, it's five minutes later and you're talking about something else and you're not even sure how she changed the subject.

Beka calls it the "Jedi Mind Trick," but Beka's got this huge collection of old discs and says a lot of stuff like that. I don't think it's a trick-- I think she just suckers you, plain and simple. You're so used to the purple ditz that when she outmaneuvers you, you don't see it coming. Fly on a windshield, bear in an accelerator. Splat.

I got splattered on the way back from Epsilon Drift, one night in the engine room. I'm down in the guts of the ship, working on some power relays, listening to one of Beka's discs, not a care in the world:

"Baby, we were booorn to ruuuun.... Whoa!" Being a multitalented performer, I not only sang backup, but kept the beat on the pipes. "Whoaaaa..."

I threw my wrench up in the air, and it didn't come down. I looked from side to side. Something tapped me on the shoulder.

A tail. Trance was standing over me, holding the wrench in her tail and a tray in her hands. "You know, if you use a 3/16ths, it keeps a better pitch."

"I'm going for that feeling of intentional dissonance." I pulled myself up out of the metal pit I was in. "What can I do for ya, babe?"

"Oh. You've been working so hard in the engine room, I thought it'd be nice to bring you a surprise." Trance sat down next to me. "Surprise!"

Compressed ration bars and leftover powdered eggs. Yum. But at least there was a cold brew on the side. I took the beer-- carefully, because my arms were covered in grease up to the elbows-- and left the rest.

"You're a lifesaver, Trance, but I'm not too hungry right now."

Trance made a pouting face that would have gagged me a few weeks earlier-- but my saccharine tolerance was higher by this time, probably because anybody else would've been trying to be cute, but Trance really was just that sweet. It was a nice change.

"Come on, you haven't eaten all day. Beka says your immune system..."

"My immune system is nobody's business." I was a little bit touchier back then.

Trance scrunched up her face. Crap, I think I hurt her feelings...

I sighed. "What I mean is... well, thank you. Thanks very much. But I just need to work."

"Are you sure? I worry about you. I mean, being from Earth and everything..."

"Really?" I wasn't gonna go there, but since she brought it up... "That's interesting, Trance, you knowing I'm from Earth, 'cause I don't have a clue where you're from..."

"Oh." There it was again, just that little look of... what? Annoyance? Embarrassment? Fear? "Just a planet."

I settled back against the wall and took a long swig. I'd try to blame the alcohol for loosening my tongue... but, hell, my tongue doesn't need any help. "So what's this planet like? Oceans? Grassy meadows? Mountain ranges? Endless plains?"

"Yes."

"Is that all of the above, or can you narrow it down?"

Again, the shifty-eyed look. "Well... the last one, maybe?"

"Plains. Okay, there's a start. What kind of animals do you have on these plains? Anything I'd know?"

"I really doubt it."

I drained the beer and leaned forward, grinning. "Try me. Are they big or little?"

"Okay... um, big animals."

"Big animals. Right." Now we're getting somewhere, I thought... "Are they dangerous?"

"Oh, no!" she said, like the very thought was strange to her. "No, they're... playful."

Suddenly, it started to dawn on me that I was a sucker. "Playful animals, huh? What's the weather like? Get a lot of rain, do you?"

"No, it's... sunny. All day long."

I groaned. "C'mon, Trance, you do not come from Home on the freakin' Range, all right? Are you gonna tell me the truth, or not?"

"Hmm..." She smiled, then said brightly, "Not."

Damn. I drained the last of the beer. "Well, I tried..."

"So what was that song you were singing?" Trance sat up on her haunches, using the tail for balance. Pretty neat trick, really.

While I worked (and, eventually, ate), I proceeded to give her a lecture on Classic Rock, from Beka's obsession with the Rolling Stones, past the Springsteen I'd been listening to, right though my personal favorite, heavy metal, with a detour to the evil days of disco. I don't really know what I said, though.

I can talk music in my sleep. I can fix relays in my sleep. What I can't do is figure out the mystery behind those strange, wide eyes. You know us techies, right? Can't stand a mystery. Want the whole world categorized, catalogued, and in our back pockets. At least, that's what I told myself.

The truth is, though, it's been a long time since anybody bothered to check on my health. I guess I thought that was... cute.

*****

Okay, so I was hooked. I'm also a professional. A professional what is open to question, but I'm damn sure a professional something. I wasn't going to let it turn into some kind of a schoolkid crush.

Well, you veteran guys out there know how well that works. You ignore it for a while, but the more you think Aw, no, don't do this to me, the better she looks. Eventually you either stop seeing the girl, or the whole thing comes out. I was stuck with Trance 24 hours a day.

I guess it was my arrogance that undermined me. You may have noticed I have a high opinion of myself... and why not? Everybody's get their price, sure, but if you don't up your own value, nobody's going to do it for you. Besides, I happen to be handsome, witty, and a genius. Trance wasn't with anybody-- she never showed much interest in any of the other guys we met in our business (no, none of the ladies either, smartass). I let myself start to think that she could do a lot worse than Seamus Zelazny Harper.

That was my second mistake. I was doing well.

It fell apart about three months after we met, at Epsilon Drift. I still remember, Beka had an appointment with Tevrex on the mining station. Rev was going with her, but Trance was working on some kind of hydroponics thing in her quarters. I said the inertia buffers needed cleaning work so I could stay behind on the Maru. Then I started preparations. I was going to pull out all the stops: Candlelight dinner, a little music, a bottle of genuine red wine from the good olds days of Earth (from my personal stash). Set the whole thing up in the mess hall-- a beautiful spread. Probably outdid myself, but then, I always do.

I only made one, tiny miscalculation. I started lighting the candles when Beka and Rev said they were leaving, not when they were actually away. I jumped when I heard somebody in the doorway behind me.

Beka was looking at the table in shock-- probably didn't think I knew how to do anything classy.

I tried not to blush. "Can I help you?"

"Forgot the manifest," Beka said. She took a flexi off the counter. "So... big plans?"

"Er... no." I stood in front of the table. "Just thought I'd treat myself for a change. After all, I deserve nothing but the best."

"So there's nothing I should know about?"

Beka's look said she knew very well something was up, particularly since the inertia buffers had only been realigned a week earlier. I decided I could still get through with enough dignity that I could pretend it never happened later on.

"Like... what would you want to know?"

"Probably nothing." She smirked. "I knew I should have hired another Perseid..."

"Beka!" I put on my best 'cannot-tell-a-lie' face. "You can't think I have anything more than... friendly... designs on our resident purple-tinted pixie? After all these years, I thought we knew each other!"

"We do," she said. "You're not as subtle as you think you are."

"It's that obvious?"

She just shrugged. "You know, Harper, Trance seems to like her privacy... and I don't know, I still have a weird feeling about her. I'm starting to think you were right in the first place."

That was a surprise. "What, about not wanting Trance on board? Boss, she's working out great! We're rolling in money!"

"I know. I'd just prefer you weren't rolling in it... together..."

I arched an eyebrow. "Oh, I get it. Okay. Have a nice time."

Handy tip for all you future socially-impaired geniuses out there. When you're really embarrassed, it never hurts to put the other guy on the defensive.

Beka took the bait, like I expected. "You get it? Get what?"

"Hey, don't worry, Boss. It's our little secret."

"What is?"

"That you're jealous." I turned toward Beka very slowly, hiding everything else with a big smile. Actually, I might have done it that way even if I hadn't been uncomfortable. It was kinda fun watching her eyes bulge like that. "I mean, I don't blame you. We've been pals a long time. I'm sure Rev would say it's a very normal reaction."

"I don't believe you..."

I shrugged. "Hey, if it makes you feel better, Boss, there's plenty of Harper to go around. Ought to make your move quick, though. After tonight, I might be off the market."

Bingo. In my own, inimitable way, I'd pissed Beka off so bad she couldn't see straight, and now she'd leave. She turned on her heel. "Good luck, Harper..."

"Hey, Boss!" For some reason I didn't quite understand, I stopped her at the door. For some reason I bet she didn't quite understand, she actually stopped, instead of storming out. "Am I kidding myself, here?"

Beka stood in the doorframe, her irritation slowly melting away. Finally she said, "All things considered, she'd be crazy to want anything to do with you."

"Yeah. You think she's crazy?"

"I think she might be." And then Beka was gone.

I lit the candles, hit the lights, and programmed the disc changer. I was actually dumb enough to think that everything was ready, and the rest would be smooth sailing.

Even us geniuses guess wrong sometimes...

*****

I found Trance on the bridge of the Eureka Maru, watching the station spin on the external cams. She looked so, I dunno, peaceful there. Like all the rest of the universe could go up in flames, and there'd be Trance, surrounded by her little island of tranquillity.

"Hey," I said.

"Harper-- did you finish with the inertia buffers already?"

"Nah, but I'm trying to eat regular meals these days. C'mon, join me for dinner." I offered her my arm. "It's my turn for a surprise."

For some reason, Trance looked a little wary. "What kind of surprise?"

"No way, no hints. Trust me." She didn't move, and finally I dropped my arm. "Look, the truth is, the buffers didn't need any work. We've got something important to talk about."

"Rock music?" she guessed. "Because I've been listening, and I don't understand why you think disco played a part in the fall of the Commonwealth. I mean, they were thousands of years apart!"

I smiled. "No-- not music. C'mon, I really want to talk to you."

"We talk a lot, Harper. Why is it important to talk now?"

Of course, as I look back on it now, I realize Trance was doing one of her 'I-know-everything-that's-about-to-happen-but-I-have-to-humor-you' routines. At the time, I didn't think she could read my mind, so I didn't see that it was a brush-off (in a 100 percent polite, Trance kind of way).

In fact, I saw it as an opening. I thought I might as well get the important part out of the way, and use to meal to celebrate. I leaned against the bridge railing, watching those eyes for hints.

"Look, Trance, the fact is that I have to tell you something. I guess... wow, I'm speechless."

Trance smiled. "First time?"

"Yeah. I guess it is. Okay, here goes. Trance, I..."

Now, I've always suspected that whatever motivating force controls the universe holds a bitter and poorly-concealed loathing for me, personally. So I wasn't really surprised that something dramatic happened at that moment.

I was a little surprised to find myself smashed against the bulkhead, blood dripping down my face, while the ship drifted free. The gravity must have gone out, because suddenly my blood was dancing around in gooey, little lava-lamp droplets.

"The hell...?"

"Gravity's off-line," Trance said. She was having an easier time of it than me. She'd used her tail as an anchor when the explosion hit, and now she used it to pull herself along to the ES panel. "Okay, I'm shunting power... there!"

"Damn!" I snapped. By this time, I was floating, and I landed unceremoniously on my ass. I shook it off, though. "What happened?"

"Umm... gosh, well... something bad."

"I got that part, thanks." Being expert at rolling with the punches, I managed to find my way to a tactical panel. "Look out... we're intact, minimum structural damage, but..." I glanced up. "This looks like a compressed charge. Somebody blew us free of the station."

"Why would they do that?"

"Gee, I don't know." I popped the hatch on the side of Beka's piloting chair and removed her auxiliary pulse gun. It only took me a second to prime and load it. "Let's ask 'em."

"Harper! Harper, wait!" Trance hopped across the bridge from her station, holding up both hands. "Let's try something subtler! I don't want to hurt them!"

"You don't want to hurt them? Trance... babe... I hate to break this to you, but..."

That was when I heard the clanging belowdecks. They were hijackers, all right. And they were about two minutes away from the bridge.

I looked at the sidearm, then back at Trance. Then I thought of the hijackers as being Niets or even Magog, and I thought of my chances if I shot it out with them. I took into consideration my usual level of skill in such matters, as well as my full reserve of inner strength and courage.

Then I said, "Sneaky, huh? What'd you have in mind?"

*****

Like I said, the Purple One is smarter than she looks. She isolated five life-signs-- five hijackers, four probably Niet or human, one Than. All those species need to breathe the same kind of air. So all we have to do is isolate them, close down those forward vents to oh, say, .005, and presto-- the air in their compartment turns bad, cough cough, thud. Problem solved.

The only thing is, the vents have to be opened manually. There's an access ladder from the bridge level, but it passes right above through the main compartment-- the place we have to isolate the bad guys. Somebody's got to get down there, close off the vents, get back to the bridge before they suffocate, and somehow do all this so quietly that they don't alert our new pals to the escape hatch that's right overhead. Being pretty non-athletic without my surfboard, I could never do that.

Of course, I don't have a prehensile tail.

"Okay, locked down," I said. "Just waiting for the bait. Are you sure you want to do this?"

"I'm sure," Trance told me. She didn't look much like a commando. "I'll be right back."

"Hey, Trance!" I stopped her at the hatch. "You know, I was going to say..."

She pointed to the console. "You'd better keep monitoring."

"Right. Actually, it can wait."

Trance gave me a little salute, and before I could figure out where she even learned that mannerism, she was gone. On the console, I could watch the little blip-- purple, naturally-- representing Trance as it zipped off to the vents. She was fast, too, twice as fast as me.

I could also watch the little white blips of the hijackers as they worked their way up from the cargo hold. They weren't exactly crawling. For a few seconds, it was touch and go...

Then I got the reading that the vents had been closed down, and oxygen was siphoning out of the main compartment. A minute later, the bad guys were in that compartment.

I hit the big, red button, locking everything down. Then I hit the intercom.

"Howdy, strangers, and welcome to Harper's Hotel California, where you can check in but you can never breathe. Just take a minute, relax, and listen to your lungs constrict. If you're feeling particularly inclined to beg for mercy, I hope you brought bribes. Otherwise, have a nice nap."

A second later, the intercom buzzed. I was kind of expecting it.

"You've reached Eureka Maru's Customer Service Hotline," I said into the receiver. "Your call is ten billionth in our queue. Please hold until you're disconnected."

Disconnect. I'd like to say there was some constructive purpose for that, but not really. I just like to hear myself talk.

Of course, sometimes I'm talking when I should be thinking, and vice versa. I started hearing noise from the main compartment, like our friends were trying to blast their way out. I would've ignored it-- the bulkheads would absorb most of it-- but Trance was on her way back, and if they'd managed to blast through the ceiling, she might have been hurt. I hit the receiver again.

"Hi, you're on the air. Talk to me."

A deep, growling voice answered. All the bad guys seem to have low, growling voices, I've noticed. "What have you done to the air down here?"

"Excúseme, no hablo ingles."

The voice couldn't get out anything intelligible. I love it when they're reduced to grunting and pointing.

Then he said, "Restore the air, or we're gonna trash this crate."

"Nah, I don't think so. Look, you stay there, you go to sleep, you wake up on a prison planet, you blackmail the warden, you're out in a couple of months. On the other hand, if you start shooting up the ship, you might kill us all. Not very smart. But then, if you were smart, you wouldn't be in your line of work, right?"

"Listen here, you--"

"No, you listen," I snapped. This jerk had ruined my big plans, and I had him over a barrel. Why be nice? "You go on back to your little friends, you talk it over, and if you think you can craft a response consisting of multisyllabic words, you give me a call back. 'Till then, here's a hint: Never try to rip off a man who’s smarter than you are."

Just as I was about to cut the connection, feeling very self-congratulatory for the almost godlike ease with which we'd handled the crisis, I heard this little squeak from the other side of the intercom. It was hard to make out, but it sounded like "Oops!"

Okay, one more hint: That word, "Oops?" Very bad sign.

I checked the internal sensors: Bingo. Trance was right in the compartment above the hijackers.

The hijacker laughed. "I think you'd better restore our air."

"I can't," I told him honestly. Like the first change, that had to be done manually.

"Then I'm sorry for your friend."

Click. Suddenly I was the one waiting for customer service, or at least a new roll of the dice.

I checked all the Maru's systems, hoping for a break, but I couldn't find anything to do to the bad people that wouldn't also hurt Trance. The Maru didn't have all the flashy counter-insurgency measures my current ride has. I mean, you've seen the Maru, right? Who'd want her?

So there it was, a Big-Time Hero Moment. I'm alone, time and oxygen running out, there are hijackers in the main compartment, and the Woman I Love (okay, the Woman I'm Mildly Infatuated With) is in danger. The only way to help her is to take the access ladder, putting myself in mortal danger. It's the choices we make during these moments that separate the grownups from the children.

Unfortunately, there weren't any grownups on the Maru's bridge at that moment, so I had to go.

*****

You can call me a lot of things (and if you're like everybody else I know, most of them will be unflattering), but you can't call me disloyal. The Harper is good, the Harper is true. Even at that, I admit, if it had been Rev Bem down there, he'd be toast. I mean, I'd have done it for Beka, 'cause she's my good buddy and she's got cool taste in music, and the way I felt about Trance back then, there wasn't much choice... but if it had been anybody else, well... I don't know.

I grabbed a couple of lifemasks from the emergency kit, stopped to hook up one more little surprise, and hit the access duct.

Even if I hadn't known the Eureka Maru like the back of my hand, it wouldn't have been hard to guess where the action was. Our hijackers were taking to their accommodations like a Vedran takes to a saddle, and as their air got thinner, they just got nastier. They really were dumb enough to shoot their way out, and I just kept thinking, Damn, Beka's gonna kill me...

So there I am in a dark, spooky crawlway, energy bolts pinging off the bulkhead right below me, and it's starting to get hot-- I mean, glowing. A couple more seconds and they're going to have a whole panel blasted out-- and that's going to be dangerous, because the access duct on a Maru is entirely too close to the power lines.

Finally, I see this twitching a few meters ahead. With my luck, I'm thinking it'll turn out to be one of those monster spiders I'm always doing battle with, but fortunately I'm not using my luck that day. I'm using Trance's luck, which means everything's going to turn out right, and the twitching is a tail.

Trance had taken a spill, right where the ladder switched from horizontal to vertical. She was lying there in a pile, trying to breathe and not having any luck. Unconscious.

Damn. There were only a few meters between us, but those panels were getting superheated from below, and I was really not looking forward to the trip.

You ever try to walk barefoot across sand on a hot day, and you can't touch ground for too long, so you kind of skip-- y'know, hot hot hot HOT HOT! Imagine doing that on all fours on scorching metal. Do Not Try This at Home.

I got across with only mild third-degree burns, managed to tell the head from the tail-- so to speak-- of my crumpled little pile of Trance, helped her into a more comfortable-looking sitting position (yeah, yeah, bad first aid. Do I look like Doctor freaking Kildare?) and hooked up the lifemask. Then I checked for a pulse.

I didn't find one, not in the usual places. At first I panicked. Then I thought, well, I don't know much about Trance's physiology (beyond the obvious)... maybe her heart is someplace weird. Then she blinked and stirred, and I figured I must have just missed it. Like I said, I'm no EMT. I'm not too sure I could find my own pulse, if I had to. I chalked it up as a mistake.

It only really looks important in retrospect. Turns out, Trance's people don't necessary need a heartbeat. For all I know, she doesn't even need oxygen. Sure wish she'd told me that before I went across the hot coals.

But at the time, I was just happy to see her okay.

"What happened...?"

"Oh, just my usual bad day," I said. "It's better now that you're okay... aren't you?"

Trance sat up, shrugged experimentally. "I think so. Did you come all the way down here just to check on me?"

"Nah, I was just in the neighborhood." The joke caught in my throat. "Look, Trance, I ought to tell you something. I've been..."

KABLAM! A pulse bolt smashed through the floor. One meter to the left, and I'd be singing in a different key right now, if you know what I mean. Then somebody's arm went through the hole and unlatched the panel.

I groaned. "What's it take, huh? Can't I get through this just once?"

A Than head popped up through the missing panel. As you know, the head bone's connected to neck, which is connected to the spine, which is connected to the arm, which is connected to a really big gun. The Than squealed at me in Bug-Speak, gesturing with its weapon.

"Climb the ladder," I said to Trance.

"But it's going to..."

"Climb!" Then I turned to the Than. "You people have totally pissed me off, you know that? Can't a guy have a single night's peace for a good cause?"

I pulled myself onto the ladder after Trance. The Than screeched and fired a bolt just under my elbow.

"Ooh, warning shot. Bad idea. Now, me, I'd have shot me in the back. You chose to play fair, and now you're stuck in Harper Land. Welcome to my giant Bug Zapper."

You students of literary foreshadowing know what happened next, of course. I pressed a button on the control I'd rigged up, and those power cables I talked about ran a couple of thousand extra volts through the crawlway. Everything below me and Trance turned a crispy golden-brown.

I felt kinda bad for the Than. I was hoping to get the surly guy I'd talked to on the comm. Can't win 'em all.

Unfortunately, I'd burned out the system with that trick; I could only do it once. All the more reason to climb very fast, and I encouraged Trance to do just that.

*****

Five minutes later, we came out of the access hatch in the mess. I'm managed to seal and jam the hatch behind us, so they couldn't follow, but the bad part was that our friends now had the run of the forward compartments. I explained as much to Trance as I preceded her down the ladder.

"So they can just blast off and take us to... wherever they're going... and...?"

"Smoke us out at their leisure. Yeah, pretty much, once they've punched through the lockout I programmed into the bridge computer." I dropped the floor, looked around, and headed straight to the galley. "As usual, though, I have some ideas. If you think Beka can cook, wait'll you see what happens when I've had a few minutes alone with the kitchen appliances. I'm thinking Omelets of Death for the house."

Trance giggled-- the most irritating sound in the world, until you get to know her, and then it's beautiful. "But isn't there some way to take back the ship without hurting them?"

"Ask me if I care." I helped Trance off the ladder, then looked her up and down. Not a mark on her, after she'd been knocked unconscious, deprived of oxygen, and almost fried. "You sure you're all right?"

"I'm fine." Trance certainly looked it. She brushed past me, getting her first look at the mess. Her mouth compressed into a small, "Oh."

I felt myself turning red, and moved fast to dispose of the candles and champagne. "What, this? This is just how humans celebrate. Happy... um, January the 12th."

She touched my arm. "It's not a holiday, is it?"

"Well, not anymore." Then I sighed. "Okay, Trance, the truth is that lately, I've been feeling like I..." I paused expectantly.

"That is, I'm in l..."

POW! The mess hall door blew inward, and a big Nietzschean stood in the doorway. "Am I interrupting something?"

"Actually, you're a little late," I said. "But it's okay, I covered for you."

Somehow, I hadn't figured on them being that direct, or that fast. For once, I had no tricks prepared. Not even close. Well, you can imagine my embarrassment. Epitaph for Seamus Zelazny Harper: He was just one miracle short of godhood.

The Nietzschean advanced into the room. Me and Trance gave way before him, but then we bumped into the table.

"I can't get into the computer," the Niet said.

"What a damn shame."

He lifted his weapon. "The two of you are going to come and unlock this ship."

"Do you really have that much time?" Trance said. "I mean, won't the station security patrols be coming to look for us? Maybe you could just... leave... and we'll forget this ever happened. Won't we, Harper?"

"I certainly won't tell."

The Nietzschean turned very cold blue eyes on Trance. "How considerate of you."

She tried a weak smile. "Well, I don't want to see you get hurt..."

He threw back his head and laughed, then looked at me. "Is she for real?"

"Yeah," I said.

"Unfortunately, you know I can't do that. You can tell her why, if you like."

Thrilled to be dealing with the kind of sleazeball who likes to gloat over his prey, I just looked at Trance and shrugged. "We've got him beat so far. If he leaves now, that means our genes are better than his..."

"Incredible as that sounds," the Niet added.

"So basically, now it's a dominance fight. He can't just drop it unless his life is in danger."

Trance nodded thoughtfully. "Wow. So what if we put his life in danger?"

I had to smile. "Then he leaves and we win."

"Just checking."

Faster than I could even follow, Trance's tail whipped around and over her shoulder. She'd caught one of my candles with it, and she threw it into the Nietzschean's chest, spattering him with burning wax.

He hissed-- not too badly hurt, but so surprised that he dropped his weapon. I wasn't too much more prepared, but something in my brain clicked, and I managed to dive for the weapon a split-second ahead of the big guy.

Which just put me in position for a more painful death. I got to the gun first, but then he slammed into me. Next thing I know, I'm on my back and looking up at three-inch Nietzschean bone spurs, about to slice down and separate my head from my neck. Trance was looking for a way to help, but there was too much space between us. I remember counting my blessings-- I'd died young, handsome, and brilliant. Lots of people do worse.

Then the Niet's head snapped back, and the barrel of a pulse blaster touched his forehead.

"Hi," said Beka Valentine. "You must be on the wrong ship. This one's mine."

The Niet turned and made a grab for her, but Beka turned the sidearm around and pistol-whipped him. He went down, the bone spurs embedding themselves in the deck two centimeters from my windpipe.

"Thanks," I groaned.

Beka nodded to me, but she was still watching the Niet for movement. Trust me on this one, all you young hijackers, 'cause I speak from personal experience: Don't get between my boss and her ship.

Trance helped me up, and once I had all my synapses firing, I said, "There's three more of them."

"I know," Beka said. "Rev's on the bridge now, teaching them the finer points of Wayism. They should be waking up just about in time to stand trial with Tevrex, who incidentally is not a nice little man. Do you know he set us up, intending to steal the Maru?"

"That's awful!" Trance said.

"Yeah, but it turns out okay. His cousin Gerentex tipped us to the scam-- seems they're not a happy family, and Gerry might just be willing to pick up Tevrex's contract with us."

I twisted my head a few times to make sure all the hydraulics were still connected in my neck. "I dunno, Boss, I think I've had enough of Nightsiders for now."

Beka shrugged. "You might like this deal-- but we'll talk about it later. Right now, if you'll help me get this guy out of here, you can go back to..." Her eyes swept the mess hall, seeing the ruined table, the scattered silverware, and the broken candlesticks. "Uh, dinner."

I winced. "I don't think I'm hungry anymore."

"Me, either," said Trance.

I don't usually believe in omens and stuff, but there's only so many times you can almost get killed in the middle of the same sentence before you catch a hint. Some things just aren't going to happen, and I think it was finally getting through my head that me and Trance was one of them.

*****

The next morning, we had to go up to the mining station commander's office for an inquiry. Tevrex was going to get off, with a little help from his lawyers, but at least his goons were screwed pretty good. The station being kind of a 'don't ask, don't tell' place, security decided not to press charges for the Than, and they let us go.

Trance and I were alone in the lift, staring at opposite walls, about as uncomfortable as two people can be. Finally I stabbed the 'hold button.'

"Look, Trance, this is silly. About what I was saying yesterday..."

"I don't know what you were going to say."

There it was, the obvious out. The one I take ninety-nine percent of the time. And suddenly I decided, Not this time. My friendship with Trance was too important.

"Yeah, you do."

"Okay, I do." She looked at the floor. "Harper, I'm so flattered, but don't you think it's better if we forget it?"

"Yeah," I said. "Definitely better... but if we're going to forget it, then I think I might as well finish my sentence once, don't you?"

Trance shrugged.

"Okay, then..." For the second time in my life, I had no idea what to say. Fortunately, all us geniuses learn to ad-lib. "Where I come from, there are two rules: Watch your own back, and don't ever let yourself give a damn. And when you... when you meet somebody who makes you give a damn... well, sometimes you go a little overboard."

I swallowed hard. "Maybe you even think or say something stupid. When you're like me, you live in fear of that. But I'm starting to think... maybe it's not so bad to be stupid once in a while, as long as you have a good reason.

"You're a good reason. You're special, Trance, different from anybody I ever met. I..." I took a long breath. "You're beautiful. Really beautiful, not just how you look..." I tried not to let my eyes wander too much, "...though there's certainly nothing wrong with that... but who you are, too.

"I think you're beautiful... and I guess that's really what I meant. Sometimes I don't say things right, that's all." I shrugged. "You forgive me?"

"Of course." Trance smiled and squeezed my hand, then started the lift again. She slipped out as soon as the doors opened, and the next time I saw her, the conversation was forgotten, and looking back, I guess that's for the best.

No, I'm sure it was for the best... It's Trance, right?

I took a minute for the butterflies to work themselves out before I left the lift myself. I found Beka Valentine waiting for me at the Maru's airlock.

"Harper. We're ready to lift as soon as you fix those power lines."

"Right," I said. "I'm on it."

Beka touched my shoulder as I went past. "Hey... you okay?"

"I'm always okay, Boss," I said, and we boarded the Maru together.