I don't know what to do.
How do I tell my closest friends I'm dying? How do you tell them that you have a sickness that is slowly killing you? How can you face the truth of it all? How would you tell them, when they are so far away?
I lay and wait.
Wait for what I know will happen.
Waiting is a virtue.
And a virtue has a reward.
This isn't one of those incurable sicknesses though. It doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to die if you have it. It all just depends on how serious it is. And mine's probably got to be one of the most serious cases. How I would like to go to the Med Deck and get it cured. But I can't. Neither can Trance or Rommie. This is something that will be here forever.
It'll stay and never leave.
The walls close in.
It hurts ever so.
But one day, it will end.
I made mistakes in the past, and now I lay on my bed in my quaters. Paying. Paying a heavy price for the stupid things I did.
Maybe if I hadn't been so selfish, I could've helped my family. They could be here with me. Instead I lay alone, and sad, thinking about them. Wondering if they are doing okay. Wherever they are. Maybe I wasn't meant to have a family to help me in my time of need.
I wish I had said good bye.
I wish I had done things differently.
Wishing won't change anything.
But neither will crying.
I spent endless nights crying. Crying for my loses, for my mistakes. For my friends.
It's pathetic how much I've cried. But no one cares. No one knows. And they never will. No matter how much I want them to know.
If you knew,
Would you care?
If you knew,
Would you help?
Beka, you've been my mother throughout the 3 years we've known each other. I care about you deeply. I can't stand to see you sad. I wish you would just hold me and tell me that you'll help me through this. Tell me that you care and want me to get better.
But you're not going to. And you're not my mother. You've shown me that.
I wanted to tell you everything.
Wanted you to help.
Wanted to be held in your strong arms.
But you don't care.
Dearest Trance. I trusted you with everything. You never let me down. You've been my sister and my best friend through everything. But you stopped carung. Why? Why didn't stay with me and help? I once thought you cared.
But I was once a foolish little boy.
We were best of friends.
We helped each other through times of need.
But then you left.
Left me to my misery.
Rev. What can I say? When I first saw you, I thought I'd hate you forever. But you changed that. You were my mentor and my friend. You showed me that words can be a powerdul weapon.
Then you used your words against me.
You once showed me the way.
But then you changed.
And you changed me.
Changed me in a way no one will know.
Well Dylan, we haven't known each other for that long. But you're a father to me. I kind sweet caring father. You showed and taught me many things.
But then you changed from loving, caring, sweet father, to uncaring, unfeeling, always yelling at me kind of father.
You were different once.
I loved who you use to be.
Teaching me new things.
But then I learned the truth.
Rommie. Well, you were great friend. You to showed me new things. How use this, and how to do that. You were fun to play with and fun to have around. Your sweet voice telling us stories that made me laugh.
Then your voice turned to hate and your stories made me afraid.
We had our good times.
We had our rough times.
But you made the rough times.
Come more often then the good.
Tyr. You were...You were...you never let me get close. I honestly don't know what you were. All I know is that I learned about courage and bravery from you.
But then I needed that courage and bravery because of you.
I learned to stand for myself.
Learned not to listen to those who are small.
But then you turned on me.
And I had to use those skills to save myself.
All of you use to be so kind to me. Helping me. Teaching me. Being there for me.
What happened?
I needed you now. Needed your strongth to be strong for myself. But you weren't there.
Why?
I guess I'll never now. Maybe one day I will. But not right now. And I know that for a fact.
What happened?
What is happening?
Why won't you leave me alone?
Why can't you let me live?
The voices. They are so loud. Yelling. Screaming. They taunt me. Tell me I'm worthless. And they're right.
What good am I for? I just fix a few things here and there.
Please! Please make them stop. I don't care if they are right. They hurt. They hurt me. That make me hurt me. I cry because of them. But they don't leave.
They taunt and yell.
'You're worthless. Why are you here? Why do you bother with her? She's too good for you. You are so weak and pathetic.'
Please help me. Help me before it's too late.
The voices taunt me.
They yell at me.
The walls are slowly closing in.
No one's there to help.
I lay in my bed. Knowing what is about to happen. I don't fight it. I let it come. Is there any reason to care? Any reason to fight?
My life is meaningless.
No one helped me.
You didn't care.
Why should I?
I feel my body being lifted from my bed. I look into tearfilled eyes. I hear words being shouted. Shouted? At me?
'Harper don't go! Please stay with me!'
Why? So you can just abandon me again. You don't care. None of you do.
You're asking of me.
Something you will never get.
But why?
Do you care?
You all yell at me. Trying to keep me here. I feel a needle go into my arm. But I'm still in my room. I see everyone.
Beka, Dylan, Trance, Rev, Rommie, and even Tyr.
You are all looking at me in concern.
Oh god! What have I done?
You look so worried
You look as though you care
Maybe you do
But I never knew
"Voices. They are so loud. It's going to happen."
I was only able to say that. Beka let the tears flow from her eyes. I can see Rev holding a sobbing a Trance. Rommie sits on the other side me. Dylan joins her. Tyr stays at the foot of the bed.
The words I had just mummbled to myself, made Trance sob harder. Made more tears come to Beka, Rommie, and Dylan's eyes. I even see the sadness in Tyr's eyes.
A small thud peices the air in the bedroom. From my hands falls the small container.
The container carrying the biggest mistake of my life.
A bottle that was once full. Now empty.
An empty bottle of the drug.
Flash.
You did care.
You cared for me.
Why had I was blind to it?
Why did you have to care?
Beka looked hopefully at Rommie. Rommie shakes her head.
The last words they heard from Harper sent chills up and down their spines. Even though they were only 3 words.
"You did care."
The voices have stopped.
The walls have closed.
My sickness.
My own depressed mind.
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