Greeks Bearing Gifts
TITLE: Greeks Bearing Gifts
AUTHOR: Michael J. Gallagher aka MikeJoe ( mikejoe@odyssey.net )
SUMMARY: Rommie tries to buy Harper a Christmas Present
NOTE: I wrote this last year; it takes place before “Ouroboros.”
DISCLIAMER: I own neither DROM nor any other franchise Kevin Sorbo has been connected with. Yes, it‘s a crossover, but I don‘t want to spoil the surprise.
=====
"Harper?" Rommie asked, coming up behind where he was working in the machine shop. "Got a minute?"
"For you, always, Rom Doll," Harper said, spinning around on his stool.
"I've, uh, purchased a Christmas present for you, and I would like to give it to you now. But so that we both enjoy the experience, I would appreciate it if you could hold your tongue and not be a pig. Please. For me."
"Oh-Kay," Harper said slowly. He supposed it wasn't too much to ask, but what could Rommie have in mind?
"Close your eyes."
Harper's imagination came up with dozens of .... *interesting* things Rommie could do while his eyes were closed ..... and he knew how she'd react to his mentioning them. 'Ok, I'll play nice,' he thought, and closed his eyes. He heard Rommie's footsteps come closer and something THUMP onto the counter he was sitting next to.
"Ok, you can open them," Rommie said.
Harper did and saw what looked like an ancient clay jug, with maybe a capacity of two liters, a narrow neck but wide at the bottom. "What is it?" he asked.
"Wine," Rommie said.
"I thought I wasn't supposed to -- "
"Not in general, but in MODERATION, now and again, it should be ok. And if you succeed in getting the eggs out, you will want something stocked in to celebrate. And if you can't .... " Rommie smiled and shrugged, a bit of sadness somehow sneaking out through her body language. "If this is your last Christmas ever, I wanted you to remember me for being something other than the Stainless Steel Bitch. Merry Christmas, Harper."
"Rommie, I .... c'mere." He hopped off his stool and gave her a hug .... "Thanks. This was really nice of you." .... and a heartfelt kiss on the cheek.
"You're welcome."
Harper pulled away from her and inspected the bottle more closely. "I can't read the label."
"Running enhancement ..... it's in an ancient Greek dialect; it says 'Flask of Dionysus.'"
"Wasn't he the god of wine, women, and song?"
"Essentially."
"Looks pretty old, though. Where did you get it?"
"Planetside, in the bazaar. For a very small amount of money from an odd little vendor."
Harper pulled the cork off and took a whiff. "Wow! Well, I don't think you were sold a lemon. Have one with me?"
"Harper -- "
"Hey, I promise to stay on my best behavior, and you can leave after one drink. You can even train the internal defenses on me if you really don't trust me."
"I don't think I'll have to go that far. ONE drink."
Harper found two plastic cups in a drawer and filled them from the bottle. "Want to offer a toast, Rom Babe?"
"All right." They raised their glasses. "To the Commonwealth."
"The Commonwealth."
They touched cups and sipped their wine .... and both acted as if they'd been jolted. They looked at their drinks; Rommie licked her lips without knowing it.
"Hmm," Harper said.
"Hmm," Rommie said.
"What -- you felt it too?"
"Felt what?"
"I dunno -- kind of a warm, tingly sensation all over." Harper smiled stupidly. "Kinda mellows you out a little."
"Yes, I did. Isn't that typical of alcohol?"
"Well, not quite that way. What is this stuff?"
"My sensors show nothing more than wine, ordinary wine."
"There's something else there if it feels like this."
"Well, whatever is causing this, the sensation is not unpleasant," Rommie said.
Harper took another sip, and noticed how Rommie downed her wine with a few quick gulps. The beautiful android put her cup on the counter. "More," she said.
"I thought you were leaving after ONE."
"I didn't say which ONE, did I? Shut up and pour .... "
****
"The courier *Warrior Princess* is hailing us," Andromeda's hologram said.
"On screen," Dylan said. When the pilot appeared on the big screen, both he and Dylan were momentarily speechless.
"Kay," Beka said, "that's different."
"I'd say," the man on the screen said. He looked -- and even sounded -- almost exactly like Dylan. The only real difference was, he looked older -- his shoulder-length hair was an iron gray. "Name's Cleese, Harry Cleese. I locate very rare and very DANGEROUS objects and take them out of circulation."
"And you do this for .... ?" Dylan asked.
"Posterity."
"Well, what do you and posterity think we have?" Beka asked.
"I'd rather not discuss that over an open channel. May I come aboard .... ?"
****
When Beka and Dylan met Harry at the hangar, the similarities between the two men became more apparent ... as well as the differences: on top of looking older, Harry was also more muscular than the High Guard captain. Harry, however, brushed that aside and told them why he was there.
"I've never heard of a flask of Dionysus," Dylan said.
"And trust me, you don't want one near you," Harry said. "It's from a very old and ancient race and can, believe it or not, be very destructive. I've seen whole worlds laid waste by just two or three of them."
"And you are taking them out of the goodness of your heart," Beka said. "You're not working for anyone who'd like to use them."
"That's right," Harry said.
"Ok," Dylan said, "assuming we can take you at your word, what would this flask look like?"
"It looks like an old clay bottle about so big," Harry said, indicating with his hands, "one or two liter capacity. You won't find it in any liquor store. The way it spreads is this odd little vendor appears in a bazaar -- "
"Ook," Beka said.
"What 'ook'?" Dylan asked.
"Welllll ... " Beka said. "Rommie and I were in the bazzarre, and she wanted to get Harper something and didn't know what to get him, and there was this guy ..... "
****
Rommie ended up sitting -- more like slouching -- on the floor, her back against a wall, with Harper lying with his head on her lap, the bottle and their cups on the floor next to them. She'd been worried that Harper might make more aggressive sexual advances as he got drunk, and while she could've handled it, it would have defeated the purpose of buying the present. But the whatever-it-was they were drinking made them both so relaxed and goofy, she decided there was a lower (although not zero) probability of having to confront that. She hoped so because she was enjoying herself. Harper's story of an adventure he and Beka had had before finding the *Andromeda* was only adding to it.
" ..... so Bek says, 'See ya; wouldn't wanna be ya,' and hits the slipstream drive," Harper said, both he and Rommie laughing. "We jumped IN to the portal just as the Quasx squadron jumped OUT."
"Oh, my God!" Rommie managed through her laughter. "That must've been a hairy bit of maneuvering."
"Yeah, I think my stomach did a few back flips, and I had to swallow my heart, but we got out of there."
"Did the Quasx catch him?"
"I dunno. Don't care. We never saw that schmuck again either." They laughed. "Can I have's'more?"
"Ooohhhh-kaaaaay." Rommie poured some more wine into his cup .... but frowned as she put the bottle down. "Hey Harpie-Honey, how many glasses have we had?"
"YOU didn't count?"
"Ah, well, it's just that this thing seems to have as much in it as it did when we opened it."
"Well, that's good, Rom Doll! We won't run out."
"Yougottapoint there." Rommie lifted Harper's head up and brought the cup to his lips; when he'd finished it off, she lowered his head again.
"Thanks, Doll ... " he said. "'Harpie-Honey'? Izzere a reason you said that?"
"It's just a term of endearment, Harper. You use 'em with me all the time. Why should it MEAN anything if I do the same? You've managed to endearmenterize yourself to me; I think I can show it even if I don'wanna jumpyerbones."
"That's a matter of opinion."
"And you agree with me. The Rommie is all wise. The Rommie is all knowing. And the Rommie can lock you out of her VR matrix eennnneeeee-time she wants to."
"Like I said, it don't mean nothing if you call me 'Harpie-Honey.'"
"Good boy." She cradled his head in her arms, giving him a quick embrace, then leaned her head back against the wall, still holding him. "Nnnnnn, Harper, let's not fight. I don't wanna fight, ok? We do that too much anyway. Jus' .... lie here an' enjoy the moment with me, ok?"
"Ok. Tell me a story? It's your turn."
"I can't think o' one. You tell me another one. I'll owe you two."
"I can't think of one. Hell, I can't think. You wanna do ... I dunno, not in a pig-come-on-way but go and DO something?"
"Like what?"
"I dunno."
"Neither do I. Let's just stay here." She stroked his hair and then ran her hand down his forehead and his cheeks. "'Kay?"
"'Kay."
The hatch clanged open. Harper strained to look .... and saw Beka with TWO Dylans.
"Ok," Harper said, "if I'm seein' double, then I really AM wasted."
"You're not seeing double," one of the Dylans said, and Harper noticed his hair was longer and grayer than the other one's. "Name's Cleese, Harry Cleese."
"Pleasedtameetchya," Harper said.
"Hi," Rommie chirped.
"Listen," Dylan said, "we were wondering if we could borrow your wine for a little while, ok?"
"Ok," Harper said. He didn't seem to care. He yawned.
"Thanks," Harry said, picking it up. He, Dylan and Beka left.
"So, what was that about?" Harper said.
"Oh, my main A. I. has been ragging on me how that bottle is really some planet killing weapon." Rommie laughed. "Can you believe it?"
"Yeah-h-h," Harper said, also laughing. Then he yawned again.
"You're sleepy," Rommie said.
"Yeah, I guess I'd -- guess I'd -- " Harper tried to get up, but his body didn't want to do it. He lay back down. "I guess I'll stay right here."
"Ok, Harpie-Honey." They both laughed.
One of the black maintenance robots brought a blanket over and laid it on Harper; he settled down into the cradle of Rommie's arms. "G'night, Rommie. I love you."
"Oh, Harrr-Purrrr, you're so sweet." She gave him a kiss on the forehead; he was sleeping a few moments later.
"Humans," Rommie said. "Gotta love 'em." She lowered Harper's head onto her lap, leaned back against the wall, and her eyes fell shut.
****
"I can't believe THAT is a planet-killer," Dylan said as he, Beka, and Harry walked down the corridor to his ship.
"You saw your engineer and your ship's avatar," Harry said. "Now, imagine a world where EVERYONE is that languid. No one does anything; nothing gets done. They just lie around and drink from bottles that never run out. A couple of days of that, and the economy collapses. A couple MONTHS of that, and you have a planet full of corpses because everyone starved to death."
"And this is the only one that got loose?" Beka asked.
"I hope so," Harry said, "but I'll go planetside just to make sure." He tabbed his wrist communicator. "Xena? Prep your systems; I'm coming aboard."
"Never un-prepped them," a woman's voice answered. "Ready when you are, Skipper."
"Your ship is sentient?" Dylan asked.
"They're few and far between these days, but, yeah," Harry said. "It's a custom job."
Neither Dylan nor Beka seemed to buy it, but they let him board his ship without any trouble.
****
When the *Warrior Princess* was clear of the *Andromeda* and had begun its descent to the planet, Xena manifested herself in the co-pilot's seat. "So how was it?"
"How was what?" the man who'd called himself Harry Cleese answered.
"Meeting your descendant. What else?"
"Very .... strange, Zee, very strange. But I am proud of him."
"Would it have killed you to tell the truth?"
"Oh, yeah, right. 'Hi, I'm Hercules, ancient Greek god and your ancestor. And may I present the ghost of Xena, Warrior Princess, who controls my ship through a magic crystal in the engine room.' Even if they believed it ..... "
"It's too far removed. You've got a point there. Wouldn't mind if that engineer I've heard stories about whipped up one of those 'fully functional' avatars for me, though."
"What for -- ?" Hercules stared at his old friend. "Xena, are you telling me -- ?"
"Hey, I'M the one who's gone without a real body for six thousand years. I still have my needs even if I ain't equipped for 'em."
"NOW she tells me."
Xena smiled. "Put it on your to-do list for the next time we bump into them. I'll remind you about it after you have your nap."
"Fun-neeee .... " But he smiled.
****
Harper sat up, wincing in pain. "Ohhhh maaaannnnnnn .... "
"Not so loud," Rommie said, her own eyes shut against the nova bombs pounding on her processors.
"*You're* hung over, too?"
"Looks like it. Maybe that stuff was funky after all."
They clambered to their feet.
"I'm headed for the mess to get some coffee," Harper said.
"I think I'll join you. Maybe it will help. Why not?"
They blinked back against the bright lights in the corridors. Just as they got to the intersection, Trance popped through it ... and stopped, smiled at them, and hurried on her way. And Rommie finally realized what it must look like for her and Harper to be leaving one of his machine shops together, looking as disshevled as they must have.
So did Harper. "Nnnnnnoooohhhhh, Rommie, make a note. Next time we get plastered, let's have wild sex so people can have a real reason to gossip about us."
"I'll yell at you for that when I can do it without my head exploding. For now, I want to do serious violence to a coffee pot. Lead on .... "
THE END
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