Title: Five Minute The Honey Offering
Author: D. Lerious
Rating: PG
Summary: A condensed version of the Andromeda episode, The Honey Offering, in parody form.
Disclaimer: Andromeda is property of Tribune.
Scene 1
Elsbett: (doing practice fighting) Xena eat your heart out!
Scene 2
Dylan: (jogging) You’re late for the plot exposition
Tyr: I figured that I would look better to the female demographic if I came to the episode unsweated.
Dylan: So, what’s the plot of this episode?
Tyr: We have a chance to make peace between two sides, by taking the bride to her wedding.
Dylan: Wouldn’t her ability to adapt to any male she’s with cause problems on the ship?
Tyr: You’re getting this confused with TNG’s "the Perfect Mate."
Dylan: Oh.
Scene 3
Rev: Remember this about Niets: they suck and they can be dangerous.
Dylan: Okay.
Scene 4
Elsabett: Hello, I’m Elsbett and I’m an uber bitch, who will insult you all.
Harper: And a pretty one too!
Scene 5
Beka: She sucks.
Trance: She sucks.
Rev: She sucks.
Harper: She rules.
Tyr: She hates you, boy.
Harper: She still rules.
Scene 6
Dylan: Please get Elsbett to stop being an uber-bitch.
Tyr: Whatever you say boss.
Scene 7
Tyr: Sabra Pride is da bomb and so are you, but the Jaguar pride sucks as well as your future hubby.
Elsbett: You are inferior.
Tyr: No I’m not.
Scene 8
Trance: There is a disturbance in the force because of the uber bitch. I’d better go through her things.
Elsbett: Hey! Get outta my stuff.
Dylan: Sorry about what Trance did, she just wanted to borrow your hair dryer.
Scene 9
Cuckoo Nez Pierce: Gimme Elsbett or you will be destroyed! I’ll give you time to think on it.
Scene 10
Beka: Hey Cuckoo! Elsbett took over the ship.
Cuckoo: Well, with the Andromeda’s track record, I don’t find that hard to believe.
Scene 11
Dylan: (in the Maru) Hey! You have a handheld nuke! That’s it! You’re going back home!
Elsbett: No way!
Scene 12
POW! WHAP! POW!
Scene 13
Dylan: Isn't that the same wachamacallit used by the Ferengi?
Elsbett: Yeah, but it's a modified version.
Scene 14
Dylan: Great going, Einstein! You’ve cut a hole in the ship! Give me that helmet so I can cover the hull breach.
Elsbett: Is that really going to work? Wouldn't using mashed potatoes be better?
Dylan: It worked on MST3K.
Elsbett: Alright.
Dylan: Hull breach fixed. Told you it would work.
Elsbett: Now it’s time for me to make you my prisoner.
Dylan: Aw man.
Scene 15
Dylan: I didn’t know that there was a Trump Tower on this Drift.
Elsbett: I would have booked at the Hemsley next door, but it was full.
Dylan: Elsbett, your mission sucks. Don’t do it.
Elsbett: It does not suck, and I’m gonna do it.
Scene 16
Elsbett: Let’s spend the night together.
Dylan: Huh?
Elsbett: Aside from the fact that I want to kill millions and that I’ve treated you like crap, is there a reason why we shouldn’t?
Dylan: None that I know of.
Scene 17
Beka: The ships that are chasing us might be dummies.
Harper: What should we do?
Beka: Go back even though we are not sure that they are dummies.
Harper: Sounds good to me.
Scene 18
Dylan: Elsbett! You used up all the hot water.
Elsbett: (point gun at him) And you stole my lavender body wash!
Scene 19
Cuckoo: (bursting in) I know you’re in there!
POW! WHAP! POW!
Scene 20
Elsbett: Let’s blow this joint.
Dylan: Ah, the old hole in wall trick.
Scene 21
(on Maru)
Elsbett: I’m gonna do my mission and you can’t stop me, so there!
Dylan: But I got your lavender body wash.
Scene 22
Cuckoo: (on view screen) We got you!
Scene 23
Dylan: I know! I’m gonna single-handedly manipulate an entire war!
Elsbett: Yeah, and I’m the Emissary of the prophets.
Dylan: I’m serious. I took a summer course on this at the High Guard Academy.
Scene 24
Elsbett: Your plan worked.
Dylan: Ha! In your face!
Scene 25
(Back on the Andromeda)
Avatar Rommie: Welcome back.
Dylan: Thanks.
Holo Rommie: Message for you, Dylan. It’s marked ‘For you eyes only.’
Avatar Rommie: But I wanna see it!
Holo Rommie: (in her ear) I can let you access the file later.
Avatar Rommie: Okay. *leaves*
Scene 26
Elsbett: (on video message) Your plan for me to marry this dude did not suck.