NOTICE: Gene Roddenberry’s Andromeda is a copyright of Tribune Entertainment. A Midsummer Night's Dream is a copyright of Oberon, the fairy king (as told to William Shakespeare). This story is a work of fan fiction parody, and is not for sale in any form.
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Robert John Burke Presents
A Slipstream Players Production --- A Gene Roddenberry’s Andromeda Fanfic
(Sorta) William Shakespeare’s
A Midsummer Night's
Slipstream
Dramatis Personae
TYRBERON, King of the Fairies (Tyr Anasazi)
BEKATANIA, Queen of the Fairies (Beka Valentine)
TRANCE, or Pixie Goodpurple (Trance Gemini)
RAFE, a Fairy and brother to the Queen
DYLANDER, in love with Sarmia (Dylan Hunt)
HARPERIUS, in love with Rommielena (Seamus Harper)
SARMIA, in love with Dylander (Dylan's fiancee, Sarah)
ROMMIELENA, in love with Dylander (Andromeda)
KHALIDSEUS, Duke of Fountainhead
FREYALYTA, Queen of the Orca Pride, betrothed to Khalidseus
RHADEGEUS, father to Dylander
GERENTEXSTRATE, master of the revels to Khalidseus
REV BOTTOM, a weaver (Rev Bem)
DAWN QUINCE, a Than carpenter
TWILIGHT SNUG, a Than joiner and sister to Dawn
JESSA FLUTE, a bellows-mender
XAX SNOUT, a tinker and also a giant pig-alien
KAY-LEE STARVELING, a tailor and sister to Jessa
and
A BUNCH OF OTHER PEOPLE WE DON’T CARE ABOUT
(Author's Note: Dylan and Harper are basically playing the characters Hermia and Helena from MSND-- the love triangle works best that way. The women are playing Lysander and Demetrius. I just switched the masculine/feminine names because "Dylana" and "Harperlena" would be pretty dumb.)
*****
ACT ONE
Scene I-- Fountainhead. The palace of Khalidseus
Enter KHALIDSEUS, FREYALYTA, GERENTEXSTRATE, and Attendants.
Khalid: Tell me again why we have to wait four more days to get married? We're Nietzschean! We have places to go and genes to pass on!
Freya: It's a human thing.
Khalid: Crud. Well, it'd better be one heck of a wedding, that's all I can say. Gerentex, run and get some decorations.
Gerentex: Yes, m'lord.
Freya: You're not really letting the Nightsider make decorating decisions, are you?
Khalid: Good point. Gerentex, if I see so much as one disco ball or lava lamp...
Gerentex: I never get to have any fun...
Exits. Enter RHADEGEUS, SARMIA, DYLANDER, and ROMMIELENA.
Rhade: Hey, renowned Duke, settle an argument for us, huh?
Khalid: This isn't about which one of us was really Captain Hunt's best friend again, is it? Because honestly, I...
Rhade: No, no. It's like this-- my stupid son wants to marry Sara, but I think Rommie-- stand forth, Rommie-- I think Rommie here has much better genes.
Khalid: Isn't she, like, an android?
Rhade: Geez, I thought we covered this in the Hamlet parody... just assume she has genes, okay?
Khalid: Okey-dokey.
Rhade: I beg the ancient privilege of Athens...
Khalid: You want to invent geometry and start pointless wars with neighboring city-states?
Rhade: The other privilege. You know, the one that says it's my way or the highway, and if Dylan wants Sara instead of Rommie, I get to kill him.
Khalid: Hmm... why does he have to pick one?
Rhade: It's a human thing.
Khalid: Well... this is a toughie. What say you, Dylan? Remember, your father is Nietzschean. Genetic perfection and all that. He's always right, even if he is an insufferable snot. (low voice) Besides, this Andromeda chick is pretty hot...
Dylan: So is Sara. In fact, we're married in real life.
Khalid: Yeah, but c'mon... Lexa Doig? Let's be real here, for a second...
Dylan: Well, personally I think she's just another robot. So go on... what's the worst you can do to me?
Khalid: According to local regulations, I can either have you summarily executed or make you live as a monk.
Dylan: Whoa. Tough room.
Khalid: Well, the conservatives kept saying I was soft on crime... Look, Dylan, I really hate to do this (looks at Rhade), especially as your best friend and all... (to Dylan) Why don't you sleep on it?
Rommie: Um, guys... you know, killing Dylan might be a little much. Can't we let him off with a stern warning, or something?
Sara: Well then, since you have the father's love, why don't you leave Dylan and me alone and go marry him?
Rhade: For the record, I'd have no problem with that.
Rommie: Nice try, slick.
Sara: Either that, or you could marry that little mudfoot who built your android form.
Rommie: Harper? Eww, gross!
Dylan: No, it's okay. We're done with the Hamlet thing. You're not his mother anymore.
Rommie: Yeah, but that was more of a "general purposes" gross...
Khalid: Look, people: I can't get married for four more days, I have a Dukedom to worry about, and I just turned over the decorating to a Nightsider. Frankly, I don't care what you do, but law is law. Dylan, look to arm yourself to fit your fancies to your father's will. But even if you don't, for heaven's sake, all of you stop whining! Capice?
Sara sticks her tongue out at Rhade, and he makes a face back at her.
Exit all but Sara and Dylan.
Sara: This is such a total bummer. And to think that creep, Khalid, practically introduced us...
Dylan: Well, the course of true love never did run smooth.
Sara: Oh, that's original.
Dylan: So, anyway, here's what I'm thinking: My friend Captain Gar has a ship on patrol, way-the-hell out in another galaxy. I think we should go visit her. Rhade will never find us.
Sara: Well, it beats you becoming a monk, I guess. I mean, millions of Hercules fans would be crushed... Tomorrow truly will I meet with thee.
Harper (From Off): Aw, isn't that sweet?
Enter HARPERIUS.
Harper: Meanwhile, I spend hours... hours... perfecting the perfect mechanized babe, and what do I get for my trouble? 'Oh, uh... gee, thanks, but Dylan's so much taller.' Thanks a lot, Boss.
Dylan: Well, it hasn't exactly been fun and games for me! I'm this close to being a monk!
Harper: Nah, the ratings guys'd never go for that.
Sara: Isn't there something you can do? This avatar you built is worse than the Terminator.
Harper: Hey, Rommie's got a mind of her own. Believe me, kids, I'd love to help, but she hates me! (to Dylan) Is it just the leather uniform? C'mon, you gotta teach me how you do it!
Dylan: But I don't know what I've done! The more I hate, the more she follows me around!
Sara: Maybe it's all that time watching you shower.
Dylan: You promised you'd never throw that in my face.
Sara: At any rate, Harper, you won't have to worry about us much longer. Tomorrow night, we're hitting the woods. We're going to blow this Nietzschean hellhole-- preferably for someplace where it's permissible to wear loose, casual clothing once in a while.
Dylan: Good luck with Rommie, though.
Exit Dylan and Sara.
Harper: Man, love stinks! What's he got that I haven't got? Through Fountainhead I'm thought as fair as he... in dim lighting, I mean. Sitting down, so you can't see the muscles. And if you kinda squint... oh, who am I kidding? As far as Rommie's concerned, he's a Greek god and I'm just a shrimp.
'Course, I could tell her about this little jailbreak thing. That might win some points. No, can't do it, it'd be Wrong. Sort of wrong, I mean... maybe a little... but, then, Dylan probably shouldn't be so trusting. Sure, y'know, trusting me is one thing, but what if he starts trusting Nietzscheans, then where will the Commonwealth be? It'd be for his own good, really... I think I owe it to him, as a friend. And if Rommie happens to be a little grateful, well... heh.
Look out, world, Harper is back! Just call me the Love God, baby...
Exits.
Scene II-- Fountainhead. Dawn's house
Enter DAWN, TWILIGHT, KAY-LEE, XAX, JESSA, and REV BOTTOM. Rev is "out of costume," appearing as a human. Think "Far Beyond the Stars."
Dawn: Let's see... Three prisoners, two loyal Than, one giant pig, and a Wayist in a pear tree. Is that everybody?
Rev: How did I get lumped in with the minor characters? That's all I'd like to know.
Dawn: Cool it, Jack. We've got a lot of work to do. Now... Here is a scroll of every man, woman, or hermaphrodite which is thought fit, throughout all Fountainhead, to be in our scuzzy little play.
Rev: First tell us what the play is about, and then...
Dawn: Do you mind? Now, we're putting on Our Town this year, so...
Twilight whispers in Dawn's ear.
Dawn: Pyramus and Thisby? Who the hell ever heard of Pyramus and Thisby?
Twilight produces a copy of the script, and shows it to Dawn. Dawn mumbles as she reads, and then...
Dawn: Yeah, well, I don't care. I want to do something classy. What about something by that humanoid, you know, Shakespeare?
Twilight whispers to Dawn again.
Dawn: Oh. How about Cats, then?
Twilight shakes her head.
Dawn: Gilbert and Sullivan?
Twilight shakes her head.
Dawn: Oh, all right, Pyramus and Thisby.
Xax: Maybe we should call them Perseid and Thanby, so people will know they're still in an Andromeda fanfic.
Rev: That's good. I like that.
Dawn: (sighs) Actors... Okay, everybody, I'm going to call attendance. Rev Bottom?
Rev: Yo.
Dawn: As a rule, I don't think Wayists say 'yo.' Whatever. You're playing this dweeb, Pyramus.
Rev: Ah, that will ask some tears in the performing of it. If I do it, let the audience look to their eyes. I will move storms, I will...
Dawn: Just memorize those lines by Thursday.
Rev: I can do that.
Dawn: Jessa Flute, the bellows-mender?
Jessa: Here. I've been meaning to ask... what precisely is a 'bellows-mender?'
Dawn: Someone who mends bellows. You get to play Thisby.
Jessa: Oh, heck, no. I'm a techie, not an actor. I'll rig the special effects.
Dawn: Okay. Um... Xax Snout, the tinker? You can play Thisby.
Xax: Can do. What am I, a rugged High Guard captain?
Twilight: Actually, you're Rev's character's love interest.
Rev: Excuse me?
Xax: Don't worry, I'm a total professional. I've played all the big roles: Pig-malion, Hamlet, Wilbur in Charlotte's Web, several plays by Sir Francis Bacon...
Rev: I took off the Magog suit for this?
Dawn: Let's see... Kay-Lee Starveling? You and I will play Thisby's parents.
Kay-Lee: Do I get to kill anybody?
Dawn: No.
Kay-Lee: Then who cares?
Exit Kay-Lee, who goes off behind the building for a smoke.
Rev: You know, Dawn, great as this casting is, I'd rather play Thisby myself. (to Xax) No offense.
Xax: None taken.
Rev: Why not let me do it? I'll speak in a monstrous little voice. I'll even wear the Magog mask for Thisby's part! Anything's better than this... (to Xax) No offense.
Xax: That time there was a little taken.
Dawn: You know, I liked you better when you were preaching Wayism. At least then you weren't such a pain in the thorax.
Rev: I know, but they're making me lay off the mysticism in this play. I'm facing a lawsuit from Frank Oz.
Dawn: And, um... oh, my sister Twilight. You're playing a lion.
Jessa: (laughs) An ant-lion, maybe.
Twilight: I don't have a lot of lines, do I? I get stage fright.
Dawn: All you have to do is roar.
Twilight spends several moments trying to roar.
Rev: Why am I reminded of those old movies where the radioactive bugs would stomp Los Angeles?
Twilight: Hey, you think you can do better?
Rev: You bet I could. I'm not such a bad lion myself. I will roar, that I will do any man's heart good to hear me...
Dawn: Look, pal, you are on my very last nerve, all right? Who do you think is directing this picture?
Rev: I could do that, too. I've always wanted to direct.
Dawn: (Aside) I think we all saw that one coming. (to Rev) Just put a cork in it and play Pyramus, will ya?
Rev: But I have experience playing big, scary creatures! I'm the Magog, remember? Then Twilight can play Pyramus, and I won't be stuck with the pig... (to Xax) No offense.
Xax: You're pushing it, hairball.
Dawn: That's it; lunch, people. We'll meet in the woods tomorrow night to rehearse it. In the meantime, if any of you want to sign with a rival production company or something, don't let me stop you.
Rev: We will meet, and there we may rehearse most obscenely and courageously!
Twilight: You know, I thought it was the whole Yoda-envy thing talking, but it turns out he just likes to hear his own voice...
They Exit.
*****
ACT TWO
Scene I-- A wood near Athens
Enter, from opposite sides, RAFE and TRANCE.
Trance: Aw... a cute little fairy!
Rafe: What'd you call me? (Aside) I can't believe I let Beka talk me into this. When I get my hands on her...
Trance: Excuse me, Mister Spirit Person? Wither winder... um, winter wonder... I mean, um, where ya goin'?
Rafe: Pretty much everywhere. I am totally dead on my wings-- I must have covered two sectors today. It's my sister Beka's idea of a joke.
Trance: You work for the Queen? Goodie! I work for the King! Wouldn't it be fun to get those two back together?!
Rafe: I can see you haven't been at this long. Rule Number One: Never get involved in domestic squabbles between malignant supernatural entities. Especially not your boss. That Tyrberon guy is just scary.
Trance: Oh, pooh. He's a big teddy bear. He's just angry because the Queen won't give up that changeling child of hers.
Rafe: Hey, watch it! We're already working off that Yoda thing. You want to get us in trouble with the Deep Space Nine people, too?
Trance: Not that kind of Changeling, silly!
Rafe: Well, that's what they claim. Personally, I think this entire subplot could stand to be clarified a bit...
Trance: Anyway, now they never meet in grove or green, by fountain clear or spangled starlight sheen...
Rafe: (Aside) If the next line is about the ramparts' last gleaming, I'm out of here... (to Trance) Say, aren't you that purple pixie I keep hearing about? The one the Young Male demographic goes crazy for? The ditz who can't tell her head from her tail, but apparently controls the fate of the universe? Are not you she?
Trance: Yup. And I'm cute, too.
Rafe: All I know is, you'd better get out of here before...
Enter from one side, TYRBERON, with his attending purple pixies; from the other, BEKATANIA, with hers.
Rafe: Uh-oh. This could get ugly.
Tyr: Ill met by moonlight, proud Beka.
Beka: Aw, not you again! I told you, I don't care if you can cook...
Tyr: It so happens that I'm not here for you at all. I just wanted to give Freya one more chance to see what she's missing...
Beka: Right. You don't want the Changeling?
Tyr: Oh, come now. Why would I want some pathetic Changeling? (Eagerly) Why? Is he here?
Beka: Come on, Tyr, you'll have to do better than that. I can see right through you.
Tyr: Maybe. But maybe I want you to think I want the Changeling, when I really want something else.
Beka: Or maybe you want me to think you want something else, thinking you want the Changeling, but you're really after the first one all along.
Tyr: Huh?
Beka: I don't know; the whole Nietzschean strategy thing gives me a headache. But you can't have the kid.
Tyr: One of these days, Beka... one of these days... pow! To the moon!
Beka: Ahhh, shaddup. You and what Pride? (to her pixies) Fairies, away!
Rafe: Am I the only one who prefers the term 'spirit folk?'
Beka: Wimp.
Exit Beka, Rafe, and her pixies.
Trance: Oh, don't mind Beka, she's like that. We'll just have to... Tyr? Tyr!
Tyr is having an argument with someone offstage.
Tyr: No! Absolutely not! I listened to your stage directions in the Hamlet play, and look where that got me! (Listens) Well, death is one thing, but purposely causing my woman to choose another male? It's insanity, I tell you! I'd never live it down with the other Nietzscheans!
Trance taps him on the shoulder.
Trance: Um... Tyr? Hi.
Tyr: (to Off) Well, then you tell the author that I'm about ready to lodge a bone spur down his...
Trance: Hee-HAW!
Trance launches herself in a flying kick at Tyr, and bounces off his chest. Tyr reacts as though he's been stung by a gnat.
Tyr: Thanks. I needed that.
Trance: Don't mention it. Anything else I can do?
Tyr: Yes, I suppose so. (to the Author) You are so going to suffer for this. (to Trance) Run and find me a love potion. We'll make Beka fall for something really disgusting before this night is done.
Trance: But...er... what good will that do?
Tyr: It ought to be good for a laugh, if nothing else.
Trance: All righty, then. I'll be back in a jiffy. Time me!
Exits, at a run.
Tyr: (Aside, to the Author) For your sake, I hope this stunt gets me my Changeling, because my backup plan involves your dead body impaled on a stick. (looks offstage) Oh, look. More mortals. My night just gets better and better...
Becomes invisible. Enter ROMMIE, HARPER following her.
Rommie: I love thee not, therefore pursue me not!
Harper: Aw, Rommie... babe... you don't mean that!
Rommie: Don't make me get a restraining order, you little creep. And where the heck is Dylan, anyway? You said he'd be here!
Harper: I dunno; maybe he missed his bus. Meanwhile... you, me, under the stars...
Rommie: Ewww! Look, Harper, do I entice you? Do I speak you fair? Am I even civil to you? Get a life!
Harper: But I'm drawn to you, and my heart is true as steel! Meanwhile, your heart actually is steel. We're a perfect match, I tell ya.
Rommie: (Aside) I knew it. He didn't wear gloves when he built me. I just knew it. Now I feel all dirty...
Harper: C'mon, Rommie, you don't have to like me-- just let me tag along. I'll be like your spaniel, ya know? (Aside, to the Author) Oh, for crying out loud, leave me a little dignity, will ya? (to Rommie) It's like this, babe: I was going for 'boyfriend,' but I'll settle for 'dog.' Are you happy now?
Rommie: A dog? You remind me more of a weasel, or maybe a ferret.
Harper: Hey, I could be a dog! Oh, all right, one of those little rat dogs, maybe... or a nice terrier? After all, I'm already a god, and that's just 'dog' spelled backward...
Rommie: Nope, still thinking 'ferret.' Now, back off! I've got to find Dylan.
Harper: (under his breath) Ice princess...
Rommie: What'd you say?
Harper: I said, um, look, it is not night when I see your face, nor doth this wood lack words of company, for you in my respect are all the world.
Rommie: Y'know, that's really kind of sweet, even coming from an icky little nerd...
Harper: See what you're missing out on? You can run, but ya can't hide, babe.
Rommie: If I weren't sure I could kick your ass, this would be a major Fatal Attraction moment. Just get over it, huh? Now, where's that Dylan...?
Exits.
Harper: This is, like, way too much trouble. I should just build another one. Rommie 2.0! With enhanced sympathy and radical new features, like... hmm... actually, I better work those out in my head, or we’ll never get under the PG-13 rating...
Exits. Re-enter TRANCE. Tyr becomes visible.
Tyr: It's about time. I thought I was trapped in an episode of The Young and the Restless. Do you have the love potion?
Trance: Yuppers. See, it's the dew from this pretty flower...
Tyr: All right. Here's what we'll do: Give me half, and you take half. I'll worry about Beka. You seek through this grove; a little shrimp in a Hawaiian shirt is in love with a disdainful android. Anoint her eyes, so that the next thing she spies will be the Little Professor. She'll fall in love with him, and I won't have to listen to them bitch and moan anymore.
Trance: Will this stuff work on an android?
Tyr: It probably shouldn't, but there's no use holding up the plot on a technicality.
Trance: Gotcha. This is really nice of you, Tyr; I knew you were a sweetie.
Tyr: (Deadpan) Romance is my life.
They Exit.
Scene II-- Another part of the wood
Enter BEKA, RAFE, and her train of pixies.
Beka: All right, guys, that's far enough. Let's have some fairy song.
All Pixies: (Singing) Iiiit's a small world aaaafter all...
Beka draws her laser gun.
Beka: What have I told you guys about that?
First Pixie: Umm... pixie wings taste like chicken?
Beka: Bingo. Don't you know any, like, early Stones? Something with a beat?
All pixies look at each other and shrug.
Beka: Well, then, just get out of here while I take my nap. I've got such a headache...
Exit Rafe and Pixies. Beka sleeps. Enter TYR.
Tyr: Seems you get those a lot. We'll fix that...
He squeezes the love potion on Beka's eyelids.
Tyr: This may sound petty, but as long as I have to do this, I hope you fall for something really repulsive. (Listens offstage again) Oh, was it supposed to rhyme?
Tyr stands to his full height and extends his dagger-sharp bone spurs.
Tyr: Listen to me very carefully: I... don't... rhyme. (Listens) Thank you.
Exits. Enter Dylan and Sara. Dylan is wearing a Hawaiian shirt.
Dylan: I'm telling you, the shirt is a good disguise! Who'd think Captain Hunt of the High Guard would elope dressed like this?
Sara: Just promise you'll consult me about fashion choices from now on. Say... where are we, anyway?
Dylan: I think we take a right at an elm tree... one of these elm trees...
Sara: You are such a typical man! I told you to stop for directions!
Dylan: I don't need directions! I know exactly where we are... (looks around) Boy, is it dark... what do you say we try this in the morning?
Sara: Next time, I get to hold the map, Marco Polo.
She lies down upon a bank.
Dylan: You know... as long as we're out here... all alone... in the cold... and we never did get to have any fun in that time-travel episode...
Sara: Oh, get real.
Goes to sleep.
Dylan: It was worth a shot.
Shrugs and goes to sleep. Enter TRANCE.
Trance: Well, darn. Here I am, an instrument of the Divine, and I can't even find two people in this little forest. It's enough to curl my tail...
Sees Dylan and Sara.
Trance: Wait a second. There's two people there... ooh, and the man has a Hawaiian shirt! Hooray! But... Tyr said he'd be a shrimp. That guy's pretty big. (Shrugs it off) Well, I guess everybody looks little to Tyr...
She squeezes the love potion on Sara's eyes.
Trance: Gee, this guy you don't like is seriously cute. You must be a real witch. But they don't call my people Exalted Love Machines for nothing... when you wake up, everything will be all better. (Looks around, sighs) I just love a happy ending.
Exits. Enter ROMMIE and HARPER.
Harper: All right... one date, and I'll pay for the whole thing! C'mon, I'm begging you, here...
Rommie: Harper, the next words out of your mouth are going to bring an orbital strike down on this planet. I don't think either of us wants to be responsible for that.
Harper: Fine. Just leave me here, then... all alone... no friends, nobody to talk to...
Rommie: Works for me. Don't wait up.
Exits. He starts pacing back and forth.
Harper: I don't get it. It must be me. Nah. It can't be me... I mean... for obvious reasons. I must have written some bad code or something. I knew I should've bought that Rosie the Robot kit, but no, I had to wing it...
He almost trips over Sara, who wakes.
Harper: Whoa! Check it out-- Sara? What the heck are you doing asleep in the woods? You okay?
Sara: Yes, I'm fine, I... (looks at Harper) Well, hi, sailor.
Harper: (Aside) You ever get the feeling you're missing something, and you don't know what?
Sara: Harper, has anybody ever told you that input jack under your ear gives you kind of a weird, cyberpunk sex appeal?
Harper: Yes! Thank you! Finally, a woman who can perceive the obvious! Too bad you're Dylan's lady...
Sara sidles up very close to Harper.
Sara: Dylan who?
Harper: (Aside) Warning! Warning! Danger, Will Robinson! (to Sara) Gee, Sara, I don't know what to say... I mean, on the one hand, you're a total babe. On the other hand, I try never to get between a Greek god and his girlfriend. Bad things happen that way.
Sara: Oh, he's just a demigod. A former demigod. Anyway, you're more... um, more...
Harper: What?
Sara: Give me a minute! I'm sure I'll come up with some area where you're better than him!
Harper: Oh, I get it. Very funny. Let's all have a big laugh at the sorry little engineer. Well, thanks but no thanks, sister. I'll have you know I'm plenty pathetic without your help. (Aside) That didn't come out right. (to Sara) See ya.
Exits.
Sara: Sarcastic! You're much more sarcastic! I like that in a man...
Exits, running after him. Dylan wakes.
Dylan: Sara? Sara? (Aside) Why do I have this feeling something terrible has happened?
Exits, looking for Sara.
*****
ACT THREE
Scene I-- The wood. BEKA lying asleep.
Enter DAWN, TWILIGHT, REV, KAY-LEE, JESSA, and XAX.
Rev: This looks like a good place.
Kay-Lee: It better be. This outfit is not exactly made for hiking. I don't know how that Xena chick does it...
Dawn: (Aside) I hate location shooting. (to the others) Places, people! Quiet on the set!
Rev: Now, Dawn, I've been thinking...
Dawn: Help.
Rev: This play is just too bloody. We shouldn't contribute to the media desensitization of violence. What we want is an educational play, to nurture young minds and encourage wholesome family values.
Dawn: This is show business. We don't do that sort of thing here.
Rev: I’m just saying, we should make sure the lion doesn’t scare them-- especially the ladies...
Kay-Lee: Say what?
She spits and curses.
Dawn: How about this? Twilight, don’t scare anybody.
Twilight: Check.
Dawn: Okay... moving on... we only need two other props, moonlight and a wall. I’m going for that artsy, Blair Witch Project feel.
Jessa: I’ve got it covered.
She touches a remote control, and a holographic wall pops into view, lit by spotlights from a dozen buzzing, mechanical dragonflies.
All: Oooh... ahhh...
Jessa: If you think that’s impressive, you ought to see me build a battery from scratch.
Dawn: I’ve got a very good feeling about this project. I think we’re doing something very special here, a story that touches me personally... I know I feel that way, and I’d like to thank all the people who helped me along the way to...
Xax: Ms. DeMille? I’m ready for my close-up.
Dawn: Right. Places, people! Let’s get this thing off the ground! And... action!
As they rehearse, enter TRANCE, invisible.
Trance: Oh, how cute-- a play! Wow... they’re really bad...
Dawn: All right, Rev, now you exit! No, that way! Look for your mark! And remember your motivation!
Rev: I’m trying to woo a giant pig. Trust me, there’s not much motivation...
Exits.
Trance: (giggles) Oh, I know what would be funny... a surprise plot twist!
Exits, after Rev.
Dawn: Line! Line, Xax!
Xax: Oh. Er... Oink.
Twilight: Oink? What was that?
Xax: I choked.
Dawn: And to think, I’m holding a percentage of this turkey... Rev! Get in here, ya big...
Enter TRANCE, and REV now transfigured into a Magog.
Rev: "If I were fair, Thisby, I were only thine..."
Dawn: Yikes.
Kay-Lee: Now that’s ugly.
Twilight: It’s also not in the script.
Dawn: (to Jessa and Rev): Okay, first of all, there’ll be no ad-libbing on my set. Secondly, it’s a pretty good effect, but it doesn’t fit with the theme or motif of this piece. Now, maybe in the next act, we can...
Jessa: Um... I didn’t do that.
Dawn: You didn’t?
Jessa: Nope.
Dawn: Oh. Okay.
Twilight: Run.
Exit Dawn, Twilight, Jessa, Kay-Lee, and Xax. Rev stands confused.
Rev: Oh, come now, the dialog isn’t that bad. Where are you all going? (Aside) And why do I have a sudden craving for a very rare steak?
Re-enter XAX, running around frantically.
Xax: O Rev, thou art changed!
Rev: That reminds me, I could also go for a lamb chop right about now...
Xax squeals and Exits.
Trance: (Aside) Hee-hee! I think I’m starting to like theater! This is almost as much fun as toying with destiny!
Rev: Now I see where this is going. First it was that ridiculous "snipe hunt," and now this. Well, I’ll show them. I will walk up and down here, and I will sing, that they shall hear I am not afraid... (Sings, an ultrasonic bat screech) Hmm... I’m in particularly good voice tonight, if I do say so...
Beka wakes, and the love potion takes effect.
Beka: What angel wakes me from my flowery bed?
Rev: Angel? Heh, heh... well, no. We all seek to serve the Divine in our own, small ways... but not an angel... though I suppose it’s an easy enough mistake to make...
Beka: Whatever. Do that bat screech again. That rocked.
Rev: It did?
Beka: Oh, absolutely. Almost like a Hendrix thing, or even Eric Clapton... and you know, I’m not really into poison fangs, but on you they work...
Rev: Er... thank you, I think. For my part, I’ve always found fairies to be quite attractive. By the way, do you know the path out of this wood?
Beka: Come on, baby, the night is young! I’ll give the fairies to attend on thee... (Aside, to the author) By the way, I’m doing this ‘cause Rev’s a nice guy and all, but we will be drawing the line before the whole paralysis, impregnation, death thing, right? (listens) Just checking. (To Off) All right, troops, haul it!
Enter RAFE, and three other fairies: THREEPIOBLOSSOM, MORN, and JARJARSEED.
Threepio: How may we serve you, Your Highness?
Jar-Jar: Mesa ready, yousa great der pixiequeen!
Morn opens his mouth to say something, then shakes his head and remains quiet.
Beka: Be kind and courteous to this gentlemen, guys.
Rafe: You gotta be kidding. Him?
Beka: Oh, like your taste in women is so great.
Rafe: At least I never brought home a drunken Vedran with a Nightsider on his back.
Beka: Shut up!
Rafe: You shut up!
Jar-Jar breaks up an ensuing slap fight between the siblings. Morn opens his mouth to offer sage commentary upon the situation, but then shrugs.
Rev: Er... maybe I should go...
Beka: Freeze, pal! You don’t get away that easily. I haven’t had a date in ages. (to fairies) Lead him to my bower.
They lead Rev away, muttering...
Threepio: I’m certain this is quite irregular. Play a pixie, indeed... and not even in the proper galaxy!
They Exit.
Scene II-- Another part of the wood
Enter TYR and TRANCE.
Trance: So there was this play, right? Like, for the Duke’s wedding? And a bunch of Than and a giant pig? And their play was, like, really bad? So I turned one of them into a Magog? He looks cute, all fuzzy like that...
Tyr: Trance, what have I told you about finding beauty in things that want to kill and eat you?
Trance: Yeah, but then, like, Beka woke up? And I didn’t know what to do? So, like, I just let it happen? So then she fell in love with the Magog, but I’m really, really sorry...
Tyr: A Magog? That potion made her choose a Magog over me?
Trance: Um... pretty much. Are you mad?
Tyr: Powerful stuff. We ought to market it. What about those mortals?
Trance: Don’t worry, Tyr. I did that really good. I found him just like you said, so I...
Enter DYLAN and ROMMIE.
Tyr: There’s one of them now.
Trance: Yup, there’s the guy, but the girl is different.
Tyr stares at Trance for a long moment.
Trance: What?
Dylan: (talking to Rommie) I'm just saying, it's so against Commonwealth regulations to kill your captain's fiancee!
Rommie: What do I look like, HAL 9000? I didn't kill anybody.
Dylan: Oh, so if I checked your inventory, I'd find every missile in place? Not even one slipfighter launched?
Rommie: You can check my inventory anytime you want, baby.
Dylan: That was not foreplay! If you didn't kill Sara, where is she? She wouldn't just leave me!
Rommie: Have you checked ancient Greece? She reminds me a little of the back end of a Centaur...
Dylan: If you're going to get all catty, I'll just have to find her myself.
Exits.
Rommie: Hey, Dylan! Dylan, wait! (sighs) It's not easy being me. Oh, sure, everybody thinks it would be cool to have an exterior of solid titanium and the ability to blow up planets, but nobody ever thinks the ship might have feelings... feeellllinnng... Uh-oh, I think all this stress has worn down... my... powerrrrr...
She drops to the ground, her batteries run down. Tyr looks at Trance again.
Trance: Oopsie.
Tyr: Why do I put up with you? I should just hire Wile E. Coyote to implement my plans-- he couldn't do any worse, and at least he's quiet!
Trance: Maybe I can fix this...
Tyr: You'd better. Go find the little runt and bring him here. (Aside) Lord, what fools these pixies be.
Trance: Actually, that's my line.
Tyr gives her a look.
Trance: I'll just go get Harper...
Exits.
Tyr: I can't believe I actually let her fly the ship. We're lucky she finds her way back from the restroom... (Aside, to the Author) Still, I must admit, it's very amusing to watch your carefully constructed plot fall apart. I might try being benevolent more often...
He uses the love potion on Rommie. Re-enter TRANCE, hesitantly.
Trance: Are you still mad?
Tyr: Do you have them with you?
Trance: Well, yes, but... I mean, if I bring them in now, then Rommie and Sara will both be in love with Harper. They might even fight or something.
Tyr: Is there a downside to this?
Trance: Remind me to talk to you Nietzscheans about the concept of feminism...
Enter SARA and HARPER.
Harper: Did Beka put you up to this? It's about that time I left her with that Vedran on Seraglio, isn't it? I apologized for that!
Sara: No, no. I honestly prefer you to Dylan. Why don't you believe me?
Harper: Um... hello?
Sara: Okay, besides the obvious reasons, I mean.
Trance, meanwhile, attaches jumper cables to Rommie and gives her a good jolt of power. Rommie wakes.
Rommie: Harper, are you, like, using a new cologne or something?
Harper: Huh?
Rommie: I don't know, maybe it's the lighting, or that barbecue sauce stain on your shirt, or a really nefarious computer virus, but suddenly I'm so... drawn to you...
Harper: Oh, this is too much! I mean, one of you trying this gag would be enough, but two women... I mean, what am I gonna do with two... beautiful... women? (Aside, to the Author, small voice) Thank you.
Sara: Stand back, sister. You want Dylan? You got him. Harper's mine.
Rommie: I wonder what my contingent of Lancer Battlemechs would say about that...?
Sara: Do you think they'd even see me past all your fake RAM and cheap hull paint?
Rommie: Oh, it's on, now...
Harper: Ladies, Ladies... there's plenty of Harper to go around!
Sara: No way! You're all mine!
Rommie: He's mine!
Harper: Oh, this story rules!
While Rommie and Sara go at it, Trance and Tyr are still looking on...
Trance: Okay, so it's all my fault...
Tyr: Are you kidding? This is better than Jerry Springer.
Enter DYLAN.
Dylan: Sara? Finally! I'm so glad you're all right!
Harper: (Aside) Hooray, I'm dead. (to Dylan) Maybe you better sit down, Boss. The good news is, Rommie's gonna leave you alone from now on...
Dylan: That's great! Now Sara and I can get on with our lives.
Harper: Ooh, bad news about that...
Dylan: Sara, what's going on?
Sara: You look a little familiar. Umm... Dilbert, right? Yeah, I remember now, you're the big guy who's always making speeches about the Commonwealth?
Dylan: A little familiar? We're in love! We're married in real life!
Sara: Oh. Well, I'm in love with Harper now. Hasta la vista, Dilbert.
Dylan: (to Harper) Have you been experimenting with those pheromone nanobots again?
Harper: Dude, I swear this isn't me! I thought it was a big... joke... Oh. I get it. You're all in on it, right? I'm on candid camera? Where's the transmitter? I can take a gag, but let's not be insulting... Sara, you and Dylan go get married. Rommie, you can go back to hating my guts. C'mon, I'm warning you, I'm tight with the Queen of Fairies. Don't make me start calling in favors.
Sara: Stay, gentle Harper; hear my excuse. My love, my life, my soul, dear Harper!
Rommie: Harper, why don't I send my combat drones after these... people... so you and I can finally be alone?
Dylan: You know, I don't think they're joking. I wonder if this could be Ares' work?
Harper stands on tiptoe and whispers something to Dylan.
Dylan: Ares the Nietzschean, I mean. Big guy, bone spurs, quotes from 'The Fountainhead' a lot.
Sara: (to Rommie) Now, for the last time, back off before I do a Jim Kirk on your computer brain!
While the argument continues, Dylan turns very slowly on Harper...
Dylan: Because the only other possibility is that you're a lying little weasel who came by night and stole my love's heart.
Harper: Well, gotta go...
He starts to run, but Dylan catches him by the scruff of the neck.
Dylan: (to Sara) It's because he's a freaking genius and I'm kind of a dim-witted captain, isn't it? You're into that whole brainiac thing? Well, I may not be a 'Little Professor,' but I know thirty-seven High Guard techniques to cause pain without killing an opponent!
Harper: Y'know, I think if we could just let bygones be bygones and talk this over, we could come to a mutual understanding...
Rommie: Don't worry, Harper, I won't let him hurt you.
Rommie raises a hand, and the gravity doubles, forcing Dylan and to his knees. Harper scurries away.
Dylan: I thought you could only do that on the ship!
Rommie: Me, too, but it turns out I'm just that good. (to Sara, who is doting on a stunned Harper) Now for this little hussy...
Dylan starts to get up, to protect Sara. In the background, TYR zaps him with a bolt of fairy power, and he flops back on the ground.
Trance: What was that for?
Tyr: Kicks.
Harper: (groans, Aside) You know, I always wake up just as the beautiful women are starting to fight over me. I never figured the dream turned out like this...
Sara sneaks up on Rommie for a rabbit punch to the central processor. Rommie starts pulling hair, and they Exit, fighting. Dylan lays there on the ground, panting...
Dylan: (Aside) And I kind of thought leaving that other show would be the end of me getting my ass kicked on a weekly basis. (to Harper) I'll get you for this.
Harper: Good luck. I'm small, but I'm quick.
He runs away.
Dylan: I don't care what anybody says; I know Ares is in on this.
Exits, after Harper.
Tyr: Ares. God of War. I like the sound of that.
Trance: Um... Mister God of War, sir? Maybe we should fix this now?
Tyr: Oh, all right. Here's the antidote. Run them around for a while, get them good and tired, then crush this herb into Sarmia's eye, whose liquor hath this virtuous property to take from thence all error with her sight. When next they wake, all this derision shall appear a dream.
Trance: Yippee! I'll do it right now!
Starts to leave, then stops.
Trance: All those big words meant 'cure her,' right?
Tyr: (sighs) Yes. They meant 'cure her.'
Trance: One question. As a Nietzschean, you believe the best genes should reproduce? (Tyr nods) And you're not into, like, monogamy, right? (Tyr nods) And Dylan obviously has better genes, right? (Tyr nods) So, technically, shouldn't you forget about Harper and make them both fall for Dylan?
Tyr: You're assuming I like these people.
They Exit.
*****
ACT FOUR
Scene I-- The same. ROMMIE, SARA, DYLAN, and HARPER lying asleep. TRANCE standing over Sara with the antidote.
Trance: Whew! Last one! There's got to be an easier way to run the universe...
Exits. Enter BEKA and REV; RAFE, THREEPIO, MORN, JAR-JAR, and other pixies attending.
Threepio: (Aside) Bring him a honey-bag, indeed. Why I put up with this, I'm quite sure I don't know. It's beyond any stretch of protocol with which I am familiar...
Jar-Jar: Mesa tink der Rev issa maxibig good guy, though. Ye gods, hesa much nicer den dat bombad big Tyr, huh?
Threepio: Oh, dear, this is most embarrassing; although I am fluent in over six million forms of communication, I haven't the faintest idea what you just said. Is it an Imperial code?
Morn begins to share his recent epiphany about the fundamental loneliness of existence, but when the others look at him, he clams up.
Beka (to Rev): What, wilt thou hear some music, my sweet love?
Rev: Love to. Do you have anything ultrasonic?
Beka looks through her disk collection...
Beka: Springsteen, The Doors, Hootie and the Blowfish... Rafe!
Rafe: Yeah, I know, I left Metallica out of its case again...
Beka: I hate that! (to Rev) Maybe we should skip right to dinner. What will you have?
Rev: Do you have a nice bit of carrion handy?
Rafe: (rolls eyes) Gee, why don't I go check?
Rev: Any old rotting carcass will do. And while you get that, I'm going to catch a nap.
Rafe: Isn't there some Wayist proverb about letting other people do all the work while you sit back and romance the Fairy Queen?
Rev: Yes. We say: "It's nice work, if you can get it."
Exit Rafe, grumbling.
Beka: O, how I love thee! How I dote on thee!
Rev: So you do. Personally, I've got the strangest desire to lay an egg. Isn't that funny?
Beka suddenly puts several yards distance between them.
Rev: What did I say?
Beka: (Aside, to the author) You said no egg-laying. Don't push your luck. (to Rev) Let's just... um, let's not rush anything, okay? You sleep there. I'll sleep over here.
Rev: Ms. Valentine, I am a Wayist. Honestly, I'm not going to bite...
Threepio: Strictly speaking, Your Highness, he doesn't have to bite. According to my database, he's quite capable of spraying paralytic mist up to a distance of 10.5 meters.
Rev: You stay out of this.
Beka sidles a little further away.
Rev: (sighs) Can I at least blow you a kiss?
Beka: (covers her face) For the love of God, NO! (Peeks up) I mean, um... I'll blow you one. You just keep that cute little mouth shut tight, huh?
She goes to sleep. Exit fairies.
Rev: You know, I can't put my finger on it, but there's something odd about that woman. (Scratches his chin with one claw) Hmm... five o'clock shadow. And I could stand a manicure, too.
Sleeps. Enter TYR and TRANCE.
Tyr: This is pathetic. I'll never pass on my genes at this rate. She can keep the Changeling. (Aside) To tell you the truth, I don't even know what I'd do with a Changeling. (to Trance) Just cure her.
Trance shakes the flower containing the antidote-- empty.
Trance: Oops.
Tyr: I wonder if that Magog would like some nice, fresh pixie to gnaw on?
Trance produces the antidote.
Trance: Geez! Kidding! (Aside) Spoilsport...
Tyr takes the antidote and cures Beka.
Tyr: Now, my Bekatania; wake you, my sweet queen.
Beka wakes, holding her head.
Beka: Whoa... hangover! (looks up) Tyr? Oy, what a night I had. Methought I was enamored of a Magog. If you've been playing with love potions again, so help me, I'm gonna...
Tyr: We'll talk about it later. Here, I brought you a present. Music, such as charmeth sleep.
He holds up a disk.
Beka: Whitesnake! Outrageous! (to Tyr, smiles) So... you cook, do you?
Tyr: Among other things.
They Exit, grinning. Trance starts to follow...
Trance: (calling offstage) Tyr?
Sound of Beka giggling, from off.
Tyr: (from off) Whatever it is, it can wait!
Trance: Um... the Magog?
Tyr: Oh, very well, cure him, too! (Aside) First thing after the New Year, I'm interviewing for a new staff...
She cures Rev, then Exits. Enter KHALID, FREYA, RHADE, and train, dressed in camouflage.
Khalid: Nice morning for wargames.
Freya: I was with Hercules and Cadmus once...
Rhade: Oh, you were not with Hercules. You didn't have a single scene with him in your whole episode.
Freya: That's my next line. I only have like four, so kindly don't step on them, you crummy Wolverine impersonator!
Rhade's bones spurs extend with an audible SNIKT.
Rhade: What'd you call me, bub?
Sound of Rommie’s battery charging up, and she snaps awake.
Khalid: What the heck?
Rhade: I think that’s my son there, with Sara... and Rommie. (Aside, big grin) That’s m’boy.
Harper: (groans, waking): Ohh... man, what a party...
Rhade: That, on the other hand, is entirely too much information.
Dylan and Sara slowly wake...
Khalid: Wake up, Dylan! Heh... reminds me of that time on Arkurian IV, when I... (looks at Rhade)...being your best friend, bailed you out of that Than hive-nest for disorderly conduct.
Sara: (to Dylan) How come you never told me about that?
Dylan: That was before your time. (blinks, waking) Wait a minute. Sara, you love me again?
Sara: Of course.
Dylan: And Rommie?
Rommie: I still love Harper.
Dylan: And Harper?
Harper: Well, that Jessica Alba from ‘Dark Angel’ is pretty hot...
Rommie smacks him upside the head.
Harper: Her lack of a sense of humor notwithstanding, I love Rommie.
Dylan: Well, I’ll be. I think we’ve finally got this sorted out.
Rhade: Does this mean I don’t get to have anybody executed?
Khalid: Sorry, no.
Rhade: Damn. And I was having a good morning, too...
Freya: But at least those millions of Herc fans are breathing easier.
Khalid: All right, here’s the deal. Since I don’t know what you kids were doing out here... and believe me, I don’t want to know... and since you pair up so nicely, we’re gonna hold your basic shotgun wedding. Follow us back to the palace.
Rhade: Aw, but I want to kill something...!
Exit Khalid, Rhade, Freya, and their train.
Harper: Anybody got a freakin’ clue what just happened?
Rommie: I remember... a purple girl with a tail. And... jumper cables?
All look at Rommie.
Rommie: Or maybe that was a dream.
Sara: Do androids dream of electric pixies?
Dylan: Let’s just follow the Duke, gang.
Harper: Is anybody else bothered by the fact that this play ends with Rommie still under the influence of an artificial love potion, and I’ll never be sure whether she really loves me for me, or is just on a really long acid trip?
Dylan: Harper, if I were you, I’d take what I could get.
Harper: Sound advice. ‘Course, as an engineer, it still bugs the hell out of me that a love potion worked on an android. (looks at Rommie again) But what the hell? I’ll get over it.
They Exit. Rev jumps up, human once more.
Rev: I’m awake! I’m awake! When’s my cue? (looks around) I have had a most rare vision! Through the Force, strange things I have seen. Other places... the future... the past... friends long gone! (Aside) Well, that’s close enough to the line, anyway, and if that green gnome wants to make an issue of it, then I’ll see him in court.
Exits.
Scene II-- Fountainhead. Dawn’s home.
Enter DAWN, TWILIGHT, KAY-LEE, XAX, and JESSA.
Dawn: Well, this is just wonderful! The day of our first performance, and the talent is missing! (Aside) My hive-mother wanted me to go to law school, but no, I said, the theater was in my blood...
Twilight: Poor Rev. A bear must have gotten him.
Kay-Lee: Or a wolf.
Jessa: Or a wild boar.
Xax: Why is everyone looking at me?
Twilight: The Duke would have paid him 1,000 thrones for his performance of Pyramus.
Xax: Two thousand.
Kay-Lee: It’s just so... so sad!
She blows her nose, sniffling. Everybody stares.
Kay-Lee: What’re you starin’ at? I have a sensitive side!
Dawn: Alas, poor Rev. I knew him, Twilight. He...
Twilight whispers something in Dawn’s ear.
Dawn: Then ‘tis a far, far better thing Rev did than he has ever done...
Twilight whispers again.
Dawn: Well, what the heck can I say in this play?
Twilight: Nothing. We’ve run longer than the actual scene, as it is.
Enter REV.
Rev: There you are, and it’s about time! I’ve just flown in from the Fairy Kingdom... and boy, are my arms tired!
All: Rev!
Dawn: Oh, now I get it. This is a contract thing, right? Holding out for more money? Well, forget it, pal. Nobody upstages me on my set! You’ve got a five-year contract to Dawn Productions, Limited, and...
Rev takes Dawn by the arms and kisses her on the top of the carapace.
Rev: Did anyone ever tell you that you have beautiful compound eyes? (to the others) Well, come on, everyone! The show must go on!
Exits. Everyone stares at each other.
Jessa: What put him in a good mood?
Twilight shrugs. They Exit, after Rev.
*****
ACT FIVE
Scene I-- Fountainhead. The palace of Khalid.
(Author’s Note: The last act is almost entirely taken up by Bottom and his friends’ production of Pyramus and Thisby. However, the author has always viewed that as anti-climax, and quite frankly he ran out of funny riffs for this play somewhere in the middle of Act Three. Therefore, with your permission, he will skip the play, and merely give you the highlights of the character’s lives after that fateful night:
Dylander eventually trusted that one Nietzschean too many, and was indirectly responsible for the fall of the Systems Commonwealth. He then disappeared into the future, but that’s another story.
Roundly criticized for her terrible Blade Runner pun in Act Four and haunted by her status as a non-regular character, Sarmia played little role in the Slipstream Company’s later productions and eventually faded into obscurity. Rumor has it she got together with Khalid after Dylan disappeared.
Harperius went on to make over four billion thrones marketing Rommie 2.0 and her various peripherals. But he still won’t tell me what the new features are.
Rommielena eventually realized that love potions do not, in fact, work on androids, and that she was only acting on her subconscious attraction to Harper. This so annoyed her that she filed for divorce, only to find out that-- unfortunately-- androids are also not entitled to community property.
Tyrberon and Bekatania continue to rule as King and Queen of the fairies, thanks largely to Tyr’s elaborate security systems and the fact that there are no other Nietzschean fairies to plot against them. On the request of the author, they eventually exiled Jarjarseed from reality, and used pixie magic to replace all his scenes with a dashing new character, played by a young Harrison Ford.
On a related note, Rafe wishes me to convey that he still prefers the term ‘spirit folk,’ though he acknowledges that it "may remind some people of that dreadful Voyager episode."
Khalidseus and Freyalyta continued to fill invaluable bit roles in my Andromeda parodies, at least until new episodes air and I get some different minor characters to play with.
Despite occasional complaints about always having to play the heavy, Rhadegeus remained with the Slipstream players, serving them loyally for many years. Then, one day out of the blue, he tried to sell them out (for personal gain, natch) to a rival company. Unfortunately, the rival company was the Marvel Comics Group Players, and Rhade met up with a short, brooding actor named Logan, who disliked Rhade’s attempts at imitation. The last anyone heard, Logan took Rhade into a dark alley to "show him what real claws can do."
Rev Bottom won his lawsuit against Yoda, and was declared free to "continue preaching pseudo-mystical jargon in one scene per episode, or as the plot may require."
Dawn Quince became a brilliant, maverick film director, eventually striking it big with a trilogy of epic space-opera flicks: Than Wars, The Flyswatter Strikes Back, and Return of the Dragonfly. Her fourth movie, The No-See-Ums Menace, is currently in production. She still vows to remember everyone who helped her along the way, especially her sister Twilight Snug, who has a bit role in all her projects.
Jessa Flute, Kay-Lee Starveling, and Xax Snout were offered long-term contracts by Dawn, but chose to remain on their hellhole prison planet instead, for no apparent reason. Xax does occasional work for the Hormel Food Company, posing in Spam advertisements.
Gerentexstrate probably shouldn’t have been in the cast, inasmuch as I cut almost his entire role.
Trance Gemini continues to roam the universe, looking for pretty flowers and generally guiding the flow of history. Rumors that she used a Jedi Mind Trick to convince Tyr not to fire her are entirely unfounded.
See-Threepio and Morn went back to their proper sci-fi universes, with no memory of their crossover experience. No internal continuity was harmed in the making of this play.)
Scene II-- The same.
Enter TRANCE.
Trance: Um, folks, we have a little problem. I’m supposed to recite Puck’s final speech now, but I kinda used that one in the Hamlet parody, and Tyr doesn’t think using the Hamlet ending here would be a good idea. So I’ve come up with something special to fill time, and well, I hope you like it...
She giggles and Exits. Enter Dylan, looking haggard, and Beka, dressed as a cop. Dylan is bleeding from the mouth.
Dylan: My mouth’s bleeding, Beka! My mouth’s bleeding! (feels around in his pocket.) Trance’s petals! There they are! What d’you know about that? MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Dylan runs across the stage, in a frenzy.
Dylan: Merry Christmas, Systems Commonwealth! Merry Christmas, Than-Thre-Kull! Merry Christmas, you wonderful, drafty old Andromeda Ascendant!
Enter HARPER, in a suit and tie.
Harper: Umm, boss, I got somethin’ here for you...
Dylan: I’ll bet it’s a warrant for my arrest! Isn’t it wonderful? I’m going to a prison planet!
Enter TYR, looking angry.
Tyr: Trance!
Trance: You told me to improvise! This is seasonally appropriate! (to the audience) Remember, the moral is: Every time a bell rings, a purple pixie gets her wings.
Tyr: You are an embarrassment to fairies everywhere, do you know that? Get these people off the stage!
Exit Dylan, Beka, and Harper, talking amongst themselves.
Dylan: (Aside) I thought it was going well. I’ve always had sort of a Jimmy Stewart charm...
Beka: Everybody’s a critic.
Harper: We didn’t even get to bring out the singing Than for a chorus of "Aud Lang Syne..."
When they’re gone, Tyr turns to Trance.
Tyr: Now, recite your last line so we can get this travesty over with.
Trance: Gentles, do not reprehend: If you pardon, we will mend. Else the Trance a liar call; So, good night unto you all. Give me your tails, if we be friends, and Pixie shall restore amends.
As she heads offstage, Tyr whispers to her...
Tyr: ‘Hands,’ Trance! ‘Hands!’ Not ‘tails!’ My one chance to play a protagonist, and I have to play off of you through the whole play...
Trance stands on tiptoe and gives him a peck on the cheek, bringing him up short.
Trance: (giggles) Merry Christmas, Tyr.
Exits.
Tyr: (Aside) I suppose you think that’s the end of it, eh? ‘Oh, that Tyr’s just hiding a soft heart behind a rough exterior; he really likes the pixie.’ Is that what you think? Well, is it? I see. Well, frankly, I don’t care what you think! I got to score with Beka in this play! And I got through the whole thing without rhyming! Now, that’s my kind of happy ending.
Exits. Curtain.
THE END
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