Disclaimer: I don’t own anything from Dark Angel, and I’m not making any money from this fic. I guess the plot of this kind of belongs to me

Summary: What goes through Alec’s mind after Rachel dies? One-shot

Warning(s): None that I can think of

Author’s Note: This isn’t December yet. However, I’ve been working very hard (in my opinion) on my novel for NaNoWriMo, so I’m rewarding myself with this. Despite being a fan of Dark Angel for about two years now, I’ve actually only written a couple of fics based on this show, and neither of them are archived here.

I hope people enjoy this – various series will probably have work done on them during December. Promise.

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Alec stood in front of Rachel’s grave, his heart squeezing inside his chest. The guilt and shame he felt over her death was overpowering; unbearable. Manticore had forced him to forget, but the memories were an open wound in his soul now that they’d been opened.

No one could understand how he felt. Not even Max, no matter how hard she tried.

I didn’t realise how much I loved you…

Remembering was so much worse. Knowing what had happened to Rachel was so much worse than not knowing. In this case, ignorance truly was bliss.

I should have been able to remember her… I should never have forgotten. Even as he thought that, though, Alec knew that it wouldn’t have been possible. If making him forget hadn’t worked, then he would – more than likely – have been terminated.

Alec fought down the tears which threatened to fall. He’d already broken down once – next to Rachel lying on her bed. He couldn’t afford to do so again.

I’m always all right.

He wasn’t, not at all. But allowing himself to break down wouldn’t do any good whatsoever. Rachel was dead, and he hated himself for the part he had played in that.

Her father should have killed me. I wouldn’t have stopped him.

Alec would give anything to have just a few more minutes with Rachel, to tell her how sorry he was. If he could have his time again, he would do so many things differently.

But what’s the point in wishing and hoping…? Alec didn’t believe in God, but he had still prayed for Rachel to be alive.

Instead, her life had been cruelly taken.

What God would do that to someone like Rachel? All she did was try to save her father from my bomb…

Alec closed his eyes against the pain that threatened to blanket him. Everything just seemed so bleak and dark. Maybe it would never be right again… He half-considered trying to find a Manticore escapee with the ability to make him forget like they had in Psy-Ops.

But that wouldn’t do any good, and then he’d just be running away from his problems – which was something he tried not to do. Besides, it was an insult to Rachel’s memory.

And he didn’t deserve peace…

I’m not always all right… But I can’t talk to anyone about this. That’s not me.