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The Unofficial Domestic Violence Pages |
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"Parental Resignation Syndrome" |
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I am a psychologist . . .. If your story matches various aspects of the following description, I would greatly appreciate it if you could email that story to sigmax@dodo.com.au. All replies are strictly confidential, and all names will be altered such that no story in the book can be identified with any person living or dead. I believe that there is a "Parental Resignation Syndrome," (PRS) which occurs to non-custodial parents whose ex-partner interferes with or denies them access to the children, using systems such as child support agencies, domestic violence organizations, and especially the courts, to ensure that they are removed from the child's life. I believe that PRS occurs often in response to PAS. In such cases it is common to see false accusations (e.g., of domestic violence, making death threats, sexual abuse of the children, etc.) being used as "nuclear weapons" to win the custody battle, and the end result is that even if contact is not *deliberately* blocked, it is *effectively* blocked, especially if one of the parents is living some distance from the children (often due to work commitments). What happens is that there is a progression where the victim distances himself (or sometimes herself) emotionally from the children. Some argue that "most dads lose contact with the kids within two years," implying that they are bad parents, when in fact the obstacles to parenting that the custodial parent puts in the way are insurmountable. This eventually results in the non-custodial parent being forced to give up hope of having contact with or influence on the children, and thus "resigning." At this point, the stress of "losing" the children is lower than the stress of trying to fight against a system that is so heavily stacked against them. This probably occurs after expensive legal battles have wiped out their finances, but may occur when the prospect of such a battle forces them to give up. The distancing is usually recognizable by the victim of PRS putting away of photographs of the children, filing (or throwing out) artwork that the children may have given them over the years, periods of very deep depression, spontaneous crying, inability to concentrate, job loss due to lack of concentration, possible convictions for careless driving, or other such signs. Forced to resign themselves to losing the children, I believe that many divorced parents (dads in particular) resign *permanently*, through suicide. This is highly likely if they do not recognize the emotional problems that they are experiencing (depression and anxiety being central here). Suicide results when an appropriate grieving process does not occur (which is why "Burying your kids alive" is one candidate title for the book). I am also looking for stories of people who have gotten partway into the PRS sequence of events, but *not* committed suicide. In particular, stories of how that grieving process could occur so that, even denied their children, there is a way of coping without killing oneself. That requires hope, and I anticipate that stories of how the resignation involved setting up a "hibernation period" are out there. The "hibernation period" is what I term the time between the final emotional distancing that occurs as part of the stress control provided by PRS, and that hopeful time in the future when the children will come seeking the alienated parent. It can occur (if suicide does not prevent it) in response to the recognition that further attempts to maintain contact with the children will not only be unsuccessful, but will result in further financial disaster. This is particularly true in cases where the PRS victim has a new partner who is distressed at the emotional toll that is being taken, and unwilling to sustain the futile financial losses that will continue to occur if court battles continue. The 'hibernation period' involves creating an archive, of sorts, of all of the documentation that is available from the legal battles with the ex-partner, so that the PRS victim's side of the story will have an abundance of evidence that will prove the alienating parent's story to be false. This is then put away until such time as the child(ren) return, in the hope that they will. That hope must be the beginning of getting on with life, knowing that the children aren't really dead, even though it feels as if they might as well be. It is really a hope of a Resurrection, of sorts, which counters the deep despair induced by loss of one's children. If you have a story that you would like to have included in my work, please email it to sigmax@dodo.com.au. <legalese> Due to the volume that I anticipate, I am assuming that permission to use that story (with identifying details masked for confidentiality) is implied by your sending it to me, and that further permission will not need to be sought to use it.</legalese> If you can include the preceding description as quoted text, and write the elements of your story that fit the different aspects of PRS in response to each element, it would speed the processing of the material enormously. Additional comments and thoughts are welcome. Thanks for your thoughtful replies, Dr. Travis Gee Tamborine, Qld.Australia |
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