Brando, Reynolds, Donahue
Alex Trebek: Welcome back to "Celebrity
Jeopardy". As you know, all of our celebrities are playing for charity. Marlon Brando, your charity is
"Habitat for Humanity"; Phil Donahue, yours is the "Children Are
Our Future Foundation"; and, Burt Reynolds, yours is the "Palm Beach
Golf & Tennis Resort". We have quite a match going here, let's look at
the score: We've got a close race going on for second place between Phil
Donahue at -$6,800, and Burt Reynolds with -$6,900. And, at a commanding lead,
it's Marlon Brando with
-$4,500. Better luck to all of you in the next round. It's time for
"Double Jeopardy", let's take a look at our
board. The categories are: "Famous Roberts", "Three Letter
Words", "Potpourri", "Potent Potables",
"Colors", "Holidays", and, finally, "U.S.
States". Marlon, you pick the category.
Marlon Brando:
Uh... "Fishing", for $1,000.
Alex Trebek: There's no "Fishing" on
the board, Marlon.
Marlon Brando:
Uh... I like "Fishing".
Alex Trebek: Okay, that's great. Let's just
start with "Famous Roberts", for $400. The answer is: "This was
John F. Kennedy's younger brother." [ Marlon buzzes in ] Marlon
Brando?
Marlon Brando:
Teddy.
Alex Trebek: No.
Marlon Brando:
"Who's Teddy?"
Alex Trebek: No!
Marlon Brando:
"What is Teddy?"
Alex Trebek: No! [ Burt
buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds?
Burt Reynolds: I'll tell you something, Alex..
I think he's right.
Alex Trebek: No, he's not right! Remember the
category: "Famous Roberts"...in the Kennedy Family.
Burt Reynolds: "Who is Robert Blake?"
Alex Trebek: [ stunned
] No! [ Phil buzzes in ] Phil
Donahue?
Phil Donahue: Well, my dear, good man, the board appears...to be mine. I
mean, in a tricky game where questions are answers, answers are questions,
"Who's on first?", "What's in the chicken?",
whoa-oa! and all of a
sudden, I'm walking...[ time-out buzzer sounds ]
Alex Trebek: Phil, your time is up. Marlon, you still have control of the board.
Marlon Brando:
[ playing with his buzzer ] In
Alex Trebek: [
exasperated ] And I'll pick the category for you. "Holidays",
for $400. The answer is: "This December 25th holiday involves
decorating a tree and opening presents." [ Burt
buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds?
Burt Reynolds: Yeah, "what is my birthday?"
Alex Trebek: Is December 25th your birthday,
Mr. Reynolds?
Burt Reynolds: No, July 5th!
Alex Trebek: Actually, I have your bio here -
it's February 11th. [ Burt buzzes again ]
Burt Reynolds?
Burt Reynolds: "What is July 5th?"
Alex Trebek: [ perplexed
] Absolutely not! [ Phil buzzes in ]
Yes! Phil Donahue?
Phil Donahue: [ poised ] Little Bobby,
and little Susie, have hung their stockings with care. Mom and Dad are out
looking for Tickle-Me-Elmo 'til
Alex Trebek: [ angry
] You know the answer, just say it!
Phil Donahue: Meanwhile, Kris Kringle is
drinking Coke! The reindeer are playing Nintendo! The elves are wearing Nike..!
[ time-out buzzer sounds ]
Alex Trebek: Time is up, Mr. Donahue! The
answer was "Christmas". [ Burt
buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds?
Burt Reynolds: [ from out of nowhere ]
He's a good guy!
Alex Trebek: [ confused
] What?! What was that, Mr. Reynolds?
Burt Reynolds: Robert Blake! Good guy! You ought to think about putting
him up on your board, there!
Alex Trebek: Once again, Mr. Brando, the board is unfortunately yours.
Marlon Brando:
[ twisting his buzzer in his hands ] I went into a
7-11 this morning.. and I wandered over to the
magazine rack.. there's so many magazines about cars..
Alex Trebek: [
interrupting ] I'm going to assume you picked "Colors",
for $800. Name this color. [ a red swatch
appears on the game board ] Let's just forget the whole "answer in the
form of a question" thing.. just
name this color! [ Burt buzzes in ] Burt
Reynolds?
Burt Reynolds: Yeah, it's a rectangle!
Alex Trebek: At this point, Mr. Reynolds, I'm
convinced you have a learning disability. [ Phil
buzzes in ] Mr. Donahue?
Phil Donahue: We live in a society where everyone claims to be
color-blind..
Alex Trebek: I know where this is going! [ Marlon buzzes in ]
Mr. Brando?
Marlon Brando:
[ slowly removing his pants ] You know, I was
riding a bicycle.. that I made myself.. and I was with Wally Cox.. and,
God, I miss him, he was a good man.. e had fingers
like a sailor.. I remember one time, in
Alex Trebek: The answer was "Red".
Mr. Donahue, you are at -$7,200; Mr. Reynolds.. you seem to have broken your buzzer.. and
Mr. Brando, you're naked from the waist down. Let's
just move on to "Final Jeopardy". I tell you what, let's just forget
the question. All you have to do to win the game is write down the current
year. What year it is right now. [ the
"Final Jeopardy" theme plays, as the contestants barely make an
effort to write down an answer ] It's a number. What year is it this year?
It starts with a "19". [ Alex
approaches the contestants to check their answers ] Okay, let's see what
we've got. Mr. Donahue appears to have written way too much..
in fact, he's still going on. Let's see what he's got
so far. [ a lengthy monologue appears on his
screen ] Not even close.
Phil Donahue: Oh, come on!
Alex Trebek: Okay, now, Mr. Reynolds, I didn't
see you write anything, maybe I missed it.. [ a blank screen appears ] ..and I didn't. You gave no answer.
Burt Reynolds: Why don't you let me buy a vowel?
Alex Trebek: Okay, that's infuriating. [ approaches Marlon Brando, who has a puppet on his hand ] Mr. Brando chose to speak to a puppet, in lieu of
participating. Maybe the puppet wrote down an answer. [ Marlon's screen is revealed to have the word
"POOP" written on it ] You wrote "Poop". This must be a
proud moment for you, Mr. Brando.
Marlon Brando:
[ concentrating on his puppet ] You're a
squawking parrot.. you're an ant. [
Burt squawks like a parrot ]
Alex Trebek: Okay..
Mr. Reynlds is the winner, by having the least
negative amount of money. On his behalf, the Palm Beach Golf & Tennis
Resort will receive a check for $10,000. That's it for "Celebrity
Jeopardy". I quit.
“SNL Celebrity Jeopardy.” The Time to Hesitate is Through.
2004 http://www.geocities.com/katnine11/celebjeopardy.html.