Disclaimer: Vamps belong to Anne Rice, not me. I make no money from this.

Spoilers: Queen of the Damned

Lestat has to be the best at everything. That's all there is to it. The best singer, the best businessman, the best lover (to Louis' delight) and the best at insert-the-hobby-of-the-day that his notoriously short attention span can stay with. So when Daniel challenged him to a video game duel, the brat prince felt honor bound to defend his skill. Besides, it gave Lestat an excuse to buy more video games.

And so it comes to pass that Lestat and Daniel are in the Island mansion, cross-legged in front of the television, virtually beating the crap out of each other. Their bodies twist in an obscene dance as they manipulate their controls, bending back and forth like drunken snakes with their eyes glued to the flickering screen.

Unfortunately, the battle leaves Louis alone to fend for himself in a mansion conveniently full of the dudes of the coven during a heavy thunderstorm of biblical proportions. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, the prettiest vampire in the midst of other, passionate, less considerate vamps. Let the fun begin!

Louis: (gasps at text) Fun? This isn't a story, this is a horror movie!

There was a low rumble in the sky, which was either thunder, or an amused author.

Author: Hot damn, that's the first time one's answered back...Well, this is my spec, get used to it. And you probably don't want to get me upset, so play along.

Louis: (leans back against the hallway wall and sighs) Well, how long is this spec going to last? And when does the action start?

Author: My guess is about five pages. And the action begins...NOW!

At that moment, Louis hears a strange noise coming up the other hall towards him. He stands straight and braces himself for anything.

Armand: (skips around the corner, dressed in a frilly pink dress with nice shoes and bows in his hair) I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay! And I pity any girl who isn't me today!"

Except for that.

Louis: (gasps in shock, then turns and runs the other way) Please tell me this has a happy ending!

Author: (hopes no one remembers her other stories, otherwise that'll ruin the ending) I promise nothing. You'll just have to wait 'till the reader finishes.

Armand: (chases after him) Louis! Don't run away! I've been waiting for this for over seven books! I want you so bad, and nobody ever writes anything like that for me.

Author: Hmmm...keep singing while I think.

Armand: I feel charming, oh so charming, it's alarming how charming I feel! If I'm so damn charming, why isn't pretty boy stopping?

Louis: (turns a corner) Why can't I ever be in a nice, Mary Sue story? How come no one ever writes me into a good Dickens-like story? Don't spec writers read high culture books?

Author: Sure, we've read some intellectual stuff. We got bored.

Louis: (stops in amazement) What? Surely you couldn't mean Dickens is boring?

Author: (nods) Dickens sucks, man. Long live comics and vamp chron! Oh, and you shouldn't stop just yet.

Louis: What--umfff!

Armand: (has caught up and executed a flying leap to tackle Louis) Oh wow, (huff, puff) I'm so glad I caught you (puff, puff) don't let the dress upset you, Daniel doesn't mind. (pant, gasp) Geez, for someone so bookish you sure can run.

Louis: Do you really dress up in girl's clothes?

Armand: No, but the author says different.

Louis: Is there any way to stop her evil machinations?

Armand: Yeah, only one. You have to--

Author: Hey!!

A hand suddenly reaches out from the nearest door and snags Armand's neck, dragging him inside.

Armand: Padrone, not again! My body's still sore from yesterday!

Marius: (from the door) Oh, don't pretend you don't like this, caro, besides, three-somes are fun!

Armand: (considers) Well, that's true.

David: (from inside the room) Hey, no one's asking my opinion here!

Armand: (closes the door) Shut up, you stuck-up twit!

Louis: (sighs sadly) I should've known you'd use sex to stop Armand.

Author: (smugly) No one stops the Author! And now for your next challenge...

Louis: (heads for the end of the hall) Oh no you don't! I'm going to hide in the bathroom!

Author: (types furiously) Okay, just a quick scene change then...

Louis: (bursts into the bathroom) Safe. I'll just wait here until this spec ends--

Santino: Hello gorgeous.

Louis: Aw, for crying out loud--

Santino: (jumps Louis and shoves him back against the tiles) Now just hold still, this shouldn't take too long.

Louis: Let me go! What are you doing?

Santino: You, in a few seconds. Backwards, forwards, sideways maybe...

Louis: No, I refuse to believe this is entertaining to anybody! Stop writing this! No one would read this trash!

Author: Believe me, the audience is squirming in anticipation. There's something to be said for voyeurism.

Louis: Just how sick is everybody out there--Santino, get your hands away from that!

Santino: Louis, your body is ice-cold! Screwing you would be like screwing an undead fish!

Louis: Thank you, at this point I'll take what I can get. Santino, what do I have to do to stop this story?

Santino: You mean you don't know? All you have to do is say--

Author: Nooo!

A bathroom stall door suddenly bursts open and Eric pops out, grabs Santino and bites him, draining him before he can finish.

Louis: Were you in there all the time?

Eric: Actually, I was outside running across the beach after a jogger and suddenly I blinked in here. Ah, well, the jerk shouldn't be cheating on me anyway.

Louis: (watches as Eric drags Santino into the stall and starts molesting him): Do you know how to get out of this spec?

Eric: Yes, but I don't want to right now.

Louis: Really?

Eric: Look, I've finally got Santino where I want him, would you want to leave?

Louis: Damn. Well, I'll leave you two alone. I need to find another place to hide.

Eric: Try the library. Usually nobody but you goes in there.

Louis: Thank you, I will.

Louis starts sneaking around the mansion, slowly making his way to the library. He passes the room where Armand had disappeared and hears ecstatic moans and cries. Downstairs comes Lestat's voice "stop cheating!" and then Daniel "I'm not cheating, you just screwed up!" He shakes his head in wonder and finally makes it to the library, where he sits down in a soft sofa and pulls out a book.

Louis: Ah, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times--"

Author: Yuck, spew! Not in my spec!

David: Louis, I thought I'd find you here.

Louis: (Somewhat surprised) Gah! But I thought you were with Armand and Marius.

David: I just don't find sex with a little boy in a dress all that sexy, that's all. It doesn't excite me. It's disgusting and I'd much rather have Marius all to myself.

Louis: Armand kicked you out, didn't he?

David (breaks down): He said he didn't want a stuffy Brit in his bed, and Marius didn't argue. I just can't compete with that kind of fetish. I have the body of a Greek god, but Marius doesn't want that, not really. He wants someone small he can manhandle.

Louis: Maybe you should act more submissive.

David (cackles maniacally): Submissive?! He wants me in a leather harness and chains! He knows I'm very vanilla, and yet he still wants me tied up and gagged hanging upside down from the ceiling like a freaking pinata!

Louis (nervously): Um, David, are you all right? You sound a little...odd.

David: Odd? How about repressed? How about sexually frustrated? Good Lord, I haven't climaxed in months! He's a freak, Louis, a damn freak! How am I supposed to get off when I'm swathed in leather and rubber?

Louis: I have no idea.

David: Louis...please, I need a good time.

Louis: I know where this is going, and the answer is no. I love Lestat and him alone.

David: Please, Louis, everybody is sick of that excuse. Live a little, have some fun, take off your pants...

Louis: No! David, get your hands off of me! Let me up! I'm not that kind of vampire.

David: But I am! Now pucker up!

Louis: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

David (on the floor holding his ears): Ack! Stop that screaming! For something so weak you sure are loud!

Louis: I'll stop if you do, and if you tell me how to end this story!

David: I don't know!

Louis opens his mouth and breaths in ominously.

David: Okay, okay, I'll talk! All you gotta do is say the magic chant, T-

Suddenly the ceiling caves in and Armand (still in his dress), Marius (in a rubber suit--use your imagination) and the entire bed, chains and all, crash on top of David, who groans in pain and crawls out. He is immediately bound in manacles and a ball gag is shoved into his mouth, silencing him. He smiles happily.

Louis: Just let them say it, just once!

Author: Never! And your next challenge is on the way, unless you wanna stay and screw with the Twisted Trio. I don't think the readers would mind a sex scene like that.

Louis: I'll take my chances with the next challenge, thank you.

Louis races out of the library and down the complicated hallways, ducking into a dark room and slamming into a rock-hard object.

Louis: (rubs his head to soothe the bump) Funny, I don't remember there being a wall here.

Khayman: Hello. Who are you?

Louis: Oh, hi. I'm Louis, don't you remember?

Khayman: Actually, I don't remember much of anything at the moment. Could you tell me who I am?

Louis: Well, your name is Khayman, you're one of the oldest vampires on the planet, and you have chronic amnesia.

Khayman: Yes, that makes sense, now that I think about it. It's starting to come back to me. Thank you. Where are you running to?

Louis: Anywhere with no one else around.

Author: As if.

Khayman: Why don't you go sit with Lestat? Even if he's absorbed in something, he'll still kill anybody that tries to use you.

Louis: What a good idea! I wonder why I didn't think of that myself.

Author: Damn it. That scene was pointless. Looks like I'll have to use a little interception play.

Louis runs down the hallways, heading for the stairs, and suddenly there is a flash of thunder so intense that it hurts his eyes, a loud boom of thunder, and then the lights go out.

Daniel and Lestat together: Oh no!

From the end of the hall, four glowing eyes appear from over a glowing dress.

Armand: There he is, Padrone!

Marius: I see him. Let's get him!

Louis: Lestat! Lestat! Help me!

Author: (sighs) Well, this is certainly not turning out the way I'd hoped. I'll just let the dumb thing run out while I go write a sex scene.

Louis: It's about time you left. What made you think this would be vaguely entertaining? Dickens would laugh at you if he were still alive!

Lestat: Louis? Louis, where are you?

Louis: Up here, Armand and Marius are trying to get me!

Armand and Marius leap forward, arms outstretched, but the floor beneath Louis caves in right then, and the weaker vampire falls through the hole and into Lestat's waiting arms. Armand and Marius aren't so lucky and collapse in a heap on top of Daniel.

Louis: (throws his arms around Lestat's neck and buries his face in Lestat's hair) My hero!

Marius: My rubber!

Armand: My dress!

Daniel: My Playstation! You broke it!

Louis: Lestat, dear, do you know how to end a spec and give us some privacy?

Lestat: Indeed, chere, I'm surprised you don't know. All you have to say is *whisper whisper*.

Louis: Is that all? I expected something harder. Well, then, let's end this stupid spec.

Eric: (from the bathroom) No! Don't do that yet! I still haven't gotten his pants yet!

Louis: (stares lovingly into Lestat's eyes) I declare this spec over. The End--