Disclaimers: I don't own the vampires in this, Anne Rice does. I make no money off of this. I also don't own the Teddy Bear's Picnic. That was written by Jimmy Kennedy with music by John. W. Bratton.

Spoilers: Up to The Vampire Armand (but forget about Memnoch)

Words by Jimmy Kennedy

It was all David's fault, in any case. He was becoming such an awful pest, running after everyone in the coven like a dog. Not like a cute puppy, no, he couldn't even manage that. He was like one of those diseased and mangled curs you want to put down because it's the only mercy left to them. He'd managed to get Pandora to write her story, Armand to write his, then Mael, Marius and Eric. Santino had absolutely refused, and then...David had gone to Daniel.

It had been a last ditch effort on David's part. After all, he had quite a bit of Daniel's life inside Queen of the Damned, and it's not as if Daniel is the most mysterious vampire of our coven. If anything, he is our most outgoing vampire, save for Lestat alone. But then, he is also our eternally drunk vampire, and that was part of the problem.

I'm afraid David wasn't too clear when he explained to Daniel what he wanted, or perhaps Daniel was a bit sloshed when he was listening. You can't be certain when Daniel is drunk or sober because he acts the same either way. He handles his intoxicated mortals rather well. So when David said he wanted Daniel's story...well, Danny thought he wanted something else. In any case, he said "Sure! I'd love to!" and took the book the former Talamascan gave him.

You know, for a British scholar, David can be incredibly dense at times.

Barely a week after that meeting, Daniel returned the book, saying not only was he finished, but he had already sent a copy of the manuscript to the publishers. When David opened it up, however, it was still mostly blank. Only a few pages in the front had been used, and he started to read with great curiosity. Either Daniel was an extremely concise writer, or something was very wrong.

I found David the next night, passed out from shock, I think. He was stretched out on the staircase, mumbling something about the foolish Irish and how drunkards shouldn't be given pen and paper. I am forced to side with Danny on this one, though. David wasn't clear with his instructions, and besides, he has a stereotypical British view of the Irish. (All right, I like Danny better, too, but that has nothing to do with it!)

So finally I managed to get the story out of him, and he showed me the book Daniel had given him. I opened it up and took a glimpse inside, and I must admit, I could not put it down until I finished it. Daniel had written what first appeared to be a children's book! On further investigation, though, it was anything but. This was what he had done:

There was a large illustration filling up the rest of the page, obviously hand drawn, depicting a beautiful forest full of happy bunnies and birds chirping songs on the branches. In the center of the drawing was a stone path leading into the trees, disappearing into the darkness. I turned the page, and found that every other page had a picture on it.

There was a picture of a blonde boy with violet eyes, wearing a masquerade mask with feathers streaming from the sides, walking calmly down the path. His suit was dark jade with lavender trim, and tight enough to leave nothing to the imagination. It took some doing to make myself turn the page. I had no idea our little Danny was such a good artist.

Now came a picture of the blonde boy hiding behind some bushes, and over his shoulder the reader can see a few snippets of what looks like wine in champagne glasses held in beautifully smooth hands.

Here, Daniel had drawn a gorgeous two page spread of what looks like the entire coven dressed in sumptuous Romantic finery. He never mentions names, but it is obvious who is who. There is Armand sitting on a large blanket, playing with a bird he has just caught. Marius is next to him, running his fingers over Armand's partially braided hair. Lestat is in the corner, wearing blue and gold, and I am reclining in his lap, covered only by a green blanket that falls over the lower half of my body. I'm going to have to talk to Danny about this. Mael is playing in the flowers which are miraculously open at night, and the twins are in the corner, quietly discussing things between themselves. Pandora and Gabriel sit together, making daisy chains, and David is sitting on a stone, writing something down on a scroll. Eric is sharing a glass of blood with Santino, and Khayman is daydreaming as he watches the stars. It is all exquisitely rendered.

This page shows a few of the coven pinning down a pretty mortal and laughing as they suck out her blood. It is quite detailed, and it appears that he has mimicked the Theatre of Vampires for this scene. I doubt Armand will enjoy that.

There is another picture of the masked boy in the bushes watching excitedly, and he does not know it, but he has accidentally knelt on a twig and snapped it. I find that if you look very closely, you can see that a few of the vampires have looked aside and are already watching him out of the corner of their eyes.

Now we are watching the boy from the front, and behind him we see Armand, sleek handcuffs at the ready. Such a cute anachronism. The boy suspects nothing.

Armand pounces on the boy, quickly binding his arms behind his back. There is a look of intense lust on Armand's face, and one of pleasurable surrender on the boy's.

The next scene shows the boy, still masked and bound, on the picnic blankets, his clothes all off. Armand is sexually assaulting his body, his fangs planted in his throat, and Daniel has been meticulously careful to show every detail of their bodies writhing together. The rest of the coven is hardly interested, as they also have shed their clothes and are working in same sex couples. I notice Marius and Mael are together in a pile. Hmm, I need to talk to Daniel. Is something going on between them that I don't know?

The boy has been wrapped in a blanket and is being carried in Armand's arms, and the rest of the coven are walking home on the path, still naked, and Daniel seems to delight in drawing everyone's bare bodies. Oh, the coven is going to have a lot to say about this to him. At least he's had the decency to keep the blanket around me as Lestat helps me home, and he's clothed the elder vampires in deep shadow. At least the twins won't incinerate him for this. In fact, the only truly naked ones are Marius, Santino, Armand, himself and Lestat. Khayman is also nude, but I know he won't mind. He has a habit of walking around crowded supermarkets without a stitch on, and one of us always has to go get him.

What the final full page shows are few of us asleep in a bed in a large castle, obviously patterned after Armand's mansion, and the windows are shut tight against the bright sun. Lestat and I are in one bed, Santino and Eric are in one bed, oh, Daniel will certainly get a scolding from them, and Gabriel and Pandora are in one bed. I wonder how Lestat will take that, but then I notice that Marius and Mael are in one bed as well. I really do have to speak with Danny.

At last I turn the page, and there, just above the words The End, is a small picture of Daniel and Armand asleep in each other's arms. This may not be a children's book, but it certainly makes me smile.

I look up at David, who is finally regaining his senses. "And he said he has already sent it to the publishers?"

He nods weakly. "We...Louis, we have to stop that book! Think what will happen when it gets out!"

"Oh, don't be silly. I'm sure no one will believe it is a child's book, and besides, I think the only ones who would care are a few of the elders. Everyone will think it is an addition to Lestat's books." I crouch next to him and put my hand on his shoulder. "But next time, David, talk to Danny when he is not drunk."

I stand up and take the book to my room, putting it with my other rare gems. After all, I am a book collector.

A few months later, after I had forgotten all about it, Lestat comes charging into my room and drags me downstairs to the television. There on the screen are protesters sent by the 700 Club to harass Armand and Daniel at the Night Island mansion. They all have signs saying the book is evil and a menace to children, and there are reporters covering the story with reviews on the book, which has made the Gay and Lesbian Top Ten list. This is all news to Lestat, and he is quite furious when I tell him that I already knew about the book. He stops spanking me when I allow him to read my original copy, though, and when he finishes, he smiles.

"I've got a spectacularly wicked idea," he laughs, taking off.

Strange, that sentence used to send chills down my spine. Now I am so used to it I am no longer bothered. Once he's gone, I call Daniel on the phone, and in a few minutes he picks up.

"Hello, Danny?"

"Oh, hi, Lou'! You heard, huh?"

"Indeed. In fact, I read your original right after David got it."

"Really?! Did you like it? I thought I might have gone too far with the drawings..."

"No, no, it is a fine illustrative book. Did you write it for children, or as a theme book?"

"Tell the truth, I was drunk. I think I started writing for kids, but then I had a couple more drunk humans, and it sorta went downhill from there. Armand's kinda ticked with all this attention, though, and Maharet ordered Marius to make sure I was punished."

"She did what? What did he do to you?"

Laughter over the line. "The usual, he tied me up, whipped me, screwed me and left me out for Armand, who did the same."

"Are you all right?"

"Hell, if I keep getting this treatment, I'll write a dozen more!"

"And what about the protesters?"

"Don't tell anybody, but they haven't noticed yet that their ranks are thinning out one at a time. It's like having our meals delivered."

In the background on the phone, I hear footsteps coming down some stairs and Armand's voice "Danny, who are you talking to? You better not be ordering another credit card! I told you your allowance is off for now."

"No, I'm just talking to Louis."

"Well, come over here. You're still not done with your punishment."

Daniel's voice becomes quite serious. "Hey, Louis, I gotta go."

I laugh out loud. "Enjoy yourself, little one."

He hangs up, and I softly put the receiver down. I look back at the television, and the funny little man on the 700 Club is saying something.

"And we have just received word that this damnable book will be made into a cartoon produced by the eighty's rock singer Lestat de Lioncourt, and we'll need all your prayers to make sure this doesn't come true."

I roll my eyes and turn off the tv. "Lestat...!"

He pokes his head out from his study with an innocent look on his face. "What?"

The End