The Vampires of Oz

Warnings: Implied slash, violence

Disclaimers: I don't own these vampires, Anne Rice and her publishers do. I don't make any money off of this and mean no disrespect.

Spoilers: To The Vampire Armand

Author: Geez, I'm bored. I haven't had a decent idea for awhile, and I'm stuck in Brady Bunch rerun hell. At this point I could eviscerate Bobby and shove Marsha into the oven alive. Switch channels!

TV: Somewheeeereeee over the rainboowwwww, waayyy up highhhhh...

Author: Oh...I think I just got my inspiration! To the computer! Let's see, setting, background...I can do that in one paragraph!

Louis was reading a boring novel in a boring black and white house on Rue Royal, with Mojo by his feet. The door was barricaded because the woman next door had called the animal control services on Mojo, who never wore a collar, and never cared what lawn was most convenient for his business.

Suddenly a hurricane whipped up!

Louis: What? But it's not the right time of--oh no, not one of these again...don't you have anything better to do?

Author: Oh, quit yer whining, at least I haven't made you break you up with Lestat, or have sex with the whole coven.

Louis: You tried!

Author: Hmph. *typing furiously* I'll fix your shorts. Let's see...Louis was clothed in a slinky green dress with green ribbons in his hair.

Poof!

Louis: Aaargh! You know, I can wear other colors besides green!

Author: But you look so cute...now brace yourself.

Louis: What? Whyyyyyyyy!!!!

The house ripped up from the ground and whirled through the air, spinning wildly. Mojo jumped into Louis' lap as the vampire fainted alluringly on the couch. A moment later, the house landed with a loud thump, and Louis woke up. He glanced nervously around. No sex starved vampires anywhere.

Louis: *knowingly* Yet.

Author: Well, go on outside. Go take a look.

Louis: Well, come, Mojo. I know from experience that she will not leave until she realizes how bad her writing is.

Author: Grrr...watch it, pretty boy.

Louis headed outside and was immediately enveloped in a world of perpetual night. Stars twinkled like diamonds and the harvest moon lit up the land like day. There were small houses everywhere, and a nice little road down the center of the town.

Author: And now enter...the Munchkins!

Sybelle and Benji trudge out in bright leotards and suspenders.

Benji: I can't believe we were cast as Munchkins.

Sybelle: I can't believe I am wearing this outfit!

Author: *cracking the whip* Okay, we ain't got no child-work laws here, so get going!

Sybelle + Benji: *singing* We represent the blood-sucking core, the blood-sucking core, the blood-sucking core, we represent the blood-sucking core, and welcome you to munchkin land.

Louis: I don't think we're in Rue Royal anymore, Mojo. *glaring* I cannot believe you just made me say that.

Sybelle: *Holding out a bouquet of dead rats* We thank you vrey regally for killing the Wicked Witch of the East.

Louis: Oh no, I'm not here five minutes and already I've killed someone. I'm so evil! Waah! *sobs*

Benji: Whatta crybaby...

Sybelle: No no no, you did good, you did good! He was mean and evil!

Louis: Really?

Benji: Yeah, Magnus was a real prick.

Louis: Magnus?! Talk about taking literary licenses.

Author: What? What's wrong with killing Magnus?

Louis: Oh, please, he's been dead for six books, already, and he only had a few pages in book two!

Author: Exactly, no one will get pissed if I kill him off early! If I put someone else in, like Santino or something, I'd have all his darn devotees after my head.

Louis: *nodding* Hmm...I can see your point. Well, all right, but now what happens--?

Suddenly a beautiful woman in a frilly pink dress pops out of a bubble and waves her wand. Louis turns to say hello, then freezes.

Louis: David?!

David: Look, it's not my damn idea, she's making me do this. I wanted to be the wizard and--

Author: Hey, I'm working on short notice, here. You were the only one who had a pink gown in his closet.

Louis: David? Is there something you want to tell me? I would not value you any less, you know.

David: Can we just get this over with? Look, you landed on Magnus, wicked witch of the east, who was picking on the muchkins--

Louis: You mean Sybelle and Benji? But everyone picks on them.

David: True, but now that Magnus is dead, the wicked witch of the west is going to come avenge his death, and she's worse than he was. In fact, she should be showing up any minute now--

Poof!

Akasha: Who dropped a house on my sist--er, brother?

David: Can I possibly finish one sentence without being interrup--!

Louis: I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to. Blame the writer.

Akasha: No, can't do that. You're the one who killed him, and besides, the author is intelligent and wise, omniscient in her boundless abilities and magnificent in her godlike talents--good grief, does she actually believe this shit?

Author: Stick to your lines, damnit! *muttering angrily* Sheesh, actors...

David: In any case, don't be angry. Look, the emerald slippers are still on Magnus' feet.

Louis: Can you readers see where this is headed?

Akasha goes for the slippers on the feet that are sticking ridiculously up in the air, as if he had been having sex just as the house fell on him. Suddenly the slippers vanish!

Louis: *groaning* Three guesses as to where they went...

Akasha: You little green-eyed thief! Give them back!

David: Ooh, they look so good on you, Lou'. Don't worry, she won't be able to take them from you, the power of great fashion keeps you safe and secu--

Akasha: Don't count on that, dearie. I'm a patient witch, I'll bide my time. I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog, too!

Mojo whimpered and hid under Louis' dress.

David: You'd better clear out of here, before someone drops a house on you! Wouldn't that spoil your--!

Akasha: *shrieking madly, suddenly flames engulf her and she disappears*

David: Okay, Louis, now you have to--

Louis: I know, I know, follow the stupid yellow brick road. Look, author, whoever you are, let me and Mojo out of here, or else I will just sit down on the sidewalk and refuse to do nothing until you leave.

Sybelle and Benji spontaneously combust before their eyes.

Louis: Come Mojo, we're off to Oz!

They take off down the road, leaving David behind with two smoking piles of ash. A few minutes later, they come across a corn field while Louis is pondering his sexual orientation.

Louis: I mean, sometimes nature makes a mistake. Perhaps certain people were meant to be the opposite sex. Maybe I'm supposed to be headed down one path. Oh, I just wish I knew which way I am!

Mysterious yet Alluring Voice: Some people go one way.

Louis: What?

Mysterious yet Alluring Voice: Some people go the other way.

Louis: Who said that?

Mysterious yet Alluring Voice: And some people go both ways!

Louis looks up and spots a blonde young man tied securely to a post a few feet from the ground. His wrists, ankles, waist and throat all have circlets of straw hanging from them, and some straw sticking out from his golden underpants. Otherwise, he was naked.

Louis: Lestat? I think this spec is looking up.

Lestat: Louis, mon chere, could you possibly cut me down from here? My muscles are sore and there's quite a stiff breeze at this altitude.

Louis climbs up on the conveniently located block beside the pole, and quickly unties Lestat, who jumps down and rubs his wrists.

Louis: So, love of my life, why are you playing the scarecrow in this?

Lestat: Typical blonde joke. I need a brain. *looks down* I see you have new footwear. Do you have another boyfriend?

Louis: Lestat, you know I love no other but you.

David: *in the wings* And it's pissing the other vampires off!

Lestat: *grins* I suppose we'd best get going, we have two more characters to find.

Author: What?! No gratuitous sex scene?

Louis: There are some things that are reserved for the privacy of the bedroom.

Lestat: Or the kitchen.

Author: Damn...the fan boards are gonna kill me...

Lestat and Louis walk hand in hand down the yellow brick road, ignoring the apple trees because they don't want apples. Suddenly Mojo barks loudly and runs into the forest, and our heroes have no choice but to follow their dog to what looks like a red-haired teenager frozen in knight's armor.

Louis: Armand? Are you all right?

Armand: *eyes looking to the side and mumbling* Louis, help me...so cold...froze stiff...need to warm up...

Author: All right, sex scene coming up!

Louis: We have no choice, darling. We must do it to save Armand.

Lestat: Must we?

Armand: I...heard...that...

Lestat and Louis step to either side of Armand, put their hands on his body and get real close...and suddenly a cloud covers the moon, blocking off all the light. We can't see anything!

Louis: Ooh, yes, oh yes...

Lestat: Armand, you never said you were a contortionist...

Armand: Rub harder...harder...there...up...perfect!

Author: Sh*t sh*t sh*t!

The moon fades away, and Armand is standing perfectly well with Lestat and Louis. They all stick their tongues out.

Armand: Quick, let's go get Daniel and finish this as fast as possible!

Author: This is not fair. The characters are not supposed to fight back.

The three run off into a dark forest, and no sooner have they rounded a bend than they hear a loud roar. Louis shrieks like a little schoolgirl and jumps into Lestat's arms, and Armand leaps back.

Louis: I do not shriek like a girl!

Lestat: *apologetically* Um, chere...actually...

Louis: Not a word!

A yellow blur streaks out and pounces on Armand, and there is a clatter as they both fall back onto the ground.

Daniel: Hi, boss! You finally made it!

Armand: Get off of me!

Daniel whimpers and slinks away, and Armand quickly feels guilty. He opens his arms invitingly, and Daniel rushes back in, throwing them both back to the ground.

Louis: *pointing* Look, it's a field of flowers, and the emerald city is just beyond it!

Daniel: Let's go!

Armand gets up and runs with them, but Lestat tries to pull them back. Only Mojo is obedient and sits down.

Lestat: No, no, haven't you seen this movie, don't you know what that field is?

Author: It ain't poppies, that's for sure.

Lestat: Oh, no, you mean you put--?

Author: Ginseng!

Halfway into the field, Louis and Daniel jump into each other's arms and begin to stroke and touch their bodies, only too happy to receive Armand into the mix. The armor fell away and soon there were three writhing masses of pale flesh, a tangle where it was impossible to see where Daniel ended and Louis began.

Lestat: Ack! No one touches my fledgling except me! Help! Help! David! Do something!

David: *floats into scene muttering* They only want me around when there's a problem. I get no respect, no love, no nothing--

Lestat: Help us, David!

David: Oh, don't get your panties in a bunch! Bippity boppity boo!

Suddenly the three vampires jump up in embarrassment and back away.

Armand: Danny, why exactly are we stopping?

Daniel: It's in the story.

Lestat runs over and sweeps Louis into his arms.

Louis: All right, now let's get to that city before anything else happens.

They all run to the gates of the emerald city and ring the bell. As they do, a familiar face comes out and sneers at them.

Eric: *sneer* Can't you read?

Louis: Read what?

Eric: *sneer* The sign!

Lestat: What sign?

Eric: *sneer* That sign--! *sees no sign, takes on out and hangs it up* That one! *retreats back inside*

Armand: Door bell broken, please knock.

Louis rings the bell, and Eric's head pops back out.

Lestat: Well, that was pointless.

Eric: *sneer* What do you want?

Louis: We want to come inside!

Eric: *sneer* We're closed, come back tomorrow!

Louis: Tomorrow?! Let us in right now or I will burn this place down around your head, and you with it!

Eric: *sneer* Like I care.

Daniel: But look, he's got the emerald slippers!

Eric: *looks down* Oh, well, that's a horse of a different color! *sneer*

Eric opens the gate (did I mention he was sneering?) and let them in, and they all piled into a carriage with a horse that magically changed color.

Daniel: Wow, it's a rainbow horse!

Eric: *sneer* Of course. We take great pride in our rainbow status.

Lestat looks around and sees Pandora, Mekare, Gabrielle, Maharet and Jessica all hugging each other, and he narrows his eyes.

Lestat: I think I see what you mean, but, I never would have thought Mekare...that's just disturbing...

The carriage jerks to a halt, and they all jump out and run for the Wizard's place. They come to a sumptuous room decorated in an Italian manner, with young boys in various states of undress lying on the couches and pillows.

Lestat: *yelling* We've come to see the Wizard!

Suddenly a huge green heads appears in the air and screeches at them.

Wizard: I am the great and powerful Oz!

Armand: That voice sounds familiar...

Louis: Please, sir, we need to go home, if it's not too much trouble.

Wizard: Look, let's just avoid the whole conversation. Go get me Akasha's broom and I'll send you home.

Louis: Oh, okay.

They all head back out, except Mojo, who prefers kicking back on the pillows, and they see in the sky Akasha riding in a broom and writing in smoke Submit Louis!

Lestat: *laughing* Ha! I've been trying to do that for years!

The vampires start walking back through the forest heading for the witch's castle, and without warning, strange creatures dressed in blue with wings descend on them and start hitting them.

All: Ow, ow! Horrid little beasts! Shoo!

Daniel: Hey, we're in the Wizard of Oz, not The Empire Strikes Back!

Lestat: What?

Daniel: Yeah, that's the scene where they're in the asteroid worm, and C3PO is yelling...at...the...bugs...what?

Armand: I always knew you were a scifi geek at heart.

Louis: Excuse me? Help!

They look up and see Louis being carried away by the flying monkeys. With no other choice, they take off after them. Meanwhile, Louis is dumped unceremoniously on the floor of Akasha's castle. He looks up at the monkeys who grabbed him and gasps.

Louis: Enkil? Khayman? Santino? Benji? Sybelle?

Khayman: Where are we?

Santino: What can we say? We were drafted.

Louis: But...Benji? Sybelle? How can you be here?

Sybelle: She needed more monkeys.

Author: Talk about actors being overqualified.

Akasha: *comes in regally* Wonderful! Louis, either you will give me those slippers or I will dip you in blood and toss you to my slaves!

Louis: Oh, for the love of--

Akasha: Very well! Boys, dip him in blood!

Louis: *as he is carried away* I really hope Lestat doesn't see me like this.

Meanwhile, Lestat, Armand and Daniel are perched in the dark mountain next to the castle, wondering how they are going to get in.

Santino, Khayman and Enkil: Yo le oh, yee ohh oh! Yo le oh, ye ohh oh!

Lestat: Now's our chance, she's running low on characters!

Author: Well, whaddaya expect, there's only twelve of you in the coven?

Armand: *nodding* Let's go!

They all jump over the edge and run past the three guards, who really don't care what's happening.

Author: Stupid temps, they never do their jobs...

When our heroes get inside, they find Louis bound to a pole, slathered in blood, with rogues about to eat him up. Lestat quickly incinerates the vampires and runs up to Louis.

Lestat: Oh, baby, are you all right? That's not your blood, is it?

Louis: No, it isn't. Untie me, please?

Daniel: You know, Akasha isn't coming back for awhile...

Armand: You're right. Well, let's get to it!

Louis: What...hey, what are you doing to me...ooh, yes...

They all begin to lick him clean, and half an hour later he's all done. They untie him and run through the castle, trying to find the broom. Akasha suddenly appears in front of them, preparing to ignite all of them.

Akasha: You ruined my plan! I'm so angry I could kill someone!

Author: Wait! Hold that thought!

Amazingly, in a cross-over special appearance, Jar Jar Binks walks into the scene.

Jar Jar: Hey, whatsa ya doing? Mesa don't know!

Akasha: EEEEEK! It's Satan incaranate!

She vaporizes him.

Louis: What was that all about?

Author: Talk about catharsis, that felt great.

Akasha: That took a lot out of me...*huff puff*

Daniel: Now's our chance! *grabs a pail of water and throws it on her*

Akasha does the whole melting bit and yells "what a world, what a world...I'm going home..."

Lestat: Kinda makes you wonder where home is.

Armand grabs hold of the broom in the corner and sits on it.

Armand: Let's go, hop on!

They all get on the broom and fly back to Oz, streaking right into the emerald castle! They land in a heap on the marble floor. Mojo runs up to them.

Wizard: Well, well, well, I didn't think you'd actually be able to do that.

Louis: Now will you let us go home?

Wizard: Not right now. Come back tomorrow.

Lestat: What?! But we wanna go home now!

Mojo darts off and pulls a curtain back, revealing Marius holding a mortal boy in his arms.

Armand: Padrone?!

Marius: *turning beet red* Oh, hi, Amadeo...um, you do have a heart now, yes?

Armand: *steps right up to him and drains the mortal's neck* No. Now let's go home before anything else happens.

Author: Why don't these things ever turn out right?

David suddenly appears.

David: Louis, you've had the power to return all this time. Just click your heels three times and say "there's no bed like the one at home."

Louis: You mean we could have gone home any time I wanted?

David: Well, yes. Didn't you see the movie?

Louis: *picks up a torch from the wall* David, come here.

David: Um...I have to go. See you!

Louis runs after him, forgetting about going home. David shrieks and runs around in his dress. He disappears in a pink blur off-stage.

Louis: *growling and clicks his heels* There's no bed like the one at home.

Lestat: *as the picture goes fuzzy* You got that right, chere.

The End