Background: Remember Louis' Memo to the Coven? Remember about the threat to Armand about the Superman underwear, the trout and the shaving cream? Well, here it is. :)

Disclaimers: I don't own these vampires, Anne Rice does. I make no money from this, never have and never will. I don't own Superman, Braniac or Maxima, DC comics and Time Warner do, and I think a movie company does too, but I'm not sure. But I don't.

Spoilers: to Queen of the Damned

Warnings: Slashy stuff, amnesia and improper usage of food products.

Armand, I warned you, did I not?...But you never listen, you just went and posted that horrible thing, what do they call it...slash?...Yes, that...You went and posted that sordid story on the web for all to see, and you know how modest I am...Well, you asked for it. I don't care how much you beg, I'm going to tell all of them about that night...Yes, the one with you, the trout, the Superman underwear, and the shaving cream.

How do I know?...Because your fledgling told me all about it...Daniel, of course, you don't have any other fledglings!...Go ahead and whip him, I'm sure he'd love the attention!...You neglect him too much!...I do not neglect my clothing, how juvenile of you to resort to petty insults, you really are just a teenager, aren't you?

Enough. I'm going to tell. Now be quiet and stop trying to disconnect my phone lines. I've told you before Lestat has a wireless modem. And stop spamming me, you can't make this laptop crash!

For the love of...

All right, gentle readers, to the story...

You know that Armand and Daniel have a rather...on-the-fringe sex life, yes? It's pretty much been established on these boards of yours, Daniel is the bottom, Armand is the top, and you can only spank the bottom, right? Sorry, that's a Danny joke, his humor tends to stay in the brain whether you like it or not.

In any case, while Armand is a sadistic child (you are!) Danny has different fantasies, and one of them happens to be: making love with the Man of Steel! Never mind that would never happen, as far as I know, Clark Kent couldn't be straighter if he fell under a steam roller, but that's what Danny dreams of.

How he convinced Armand to do it is beyond me. (Not a word out of you, not a single word!) At first Armand wanted to get a full costume with the S on the chest, but he soon found that the only ones he could wear were the children's suits. You know, the one with the penciled in muscles. Well, he couldn't stand that, so he scoured the whole of Florida for the perfect costume. Needless to say, he didn't find one.

But he did find an abundance of Superman underwear. Daniel calls them underroos. So he slipped a pair on and intended to surprise his fledgling with the joke.

Of course, you realize things never turn out the way they should.

Armand was coming home in his limousine, clad only in his underroos, a black hat, platforms and a trenchcoat. He left the limousine at 10:35 and entered the house.

From here on in is purely hearsay. (Riiiiight...) From what I have been told, Armand had fed off a rather drunk mortal, so he was feeling tipsy as he came. Add this to the fact that he was trying to "become Superman" or some other method acting technique, and you have one very muddled vampire. No one could recognize that it was his thought patterns. Since he was in disguise with platform shoes, the other vampires in the mansion thought he was a rogue vampire trespassing.

(It was your own fault, stop whining.)

Well, he had just made it to the eastern wing of the mansion when Marius had picked up a heavy vase and pitched it right at Armand's head. Armand managed to duck that one, it's become a habit for him since he often aggravates Lestat, who has developed rather good aim over the years. Pandora was there, too, though, and she had picked up an oak table twice her size and four times larger than Armand (hush, you know it's true). This proved difficult to dodge, and as he was quite drunk, he caught the table in the back of the head.

Don't worry, it came nowhere near his brains. (Armand, stop that, or I'll call Lestat!...that's better.)

He hit the floor and his hat came off, and Marius says that he and Pandora, upon recognizing their error, tried to resuscitate Armand. In a moment, his eyes opened and they thought that was the last of the problem.

Now remember, Armand had a fantasy of being Superman in his head. So when he woke up, who do you think he thought he was?

Bingo!

From what I understand, as soon as he realized he'd been attacked, he leaped to his feet, put his hands heroically on his hips (and of course since his coat wasn't buttoned, he partially revealed his Superman underroos) and yelled "Braniac and Lady Maxima, you cannot stop me! Nothing will ever halt my never-ending battle for truth, justice, and the American way! Up, up and away!"

At which point he leaped straight up, crashing through the ceiling and landing on the second floor. Apparently he tore half of his coat off in the "flight," and now he was only in his platforms and underwear and tattered coat remains. Yes, that is an amusing image, isn't it?

(Shut up, Armand.)

Now, with Marius and Pandora running up the stairs after him, presumably with a straightjacket, Armand took a flying leap down the hallway, literally bouncing off the walls. Occasionally they heard him yelling, at the top of his lungs, adaptations of comic book speeches. A shame he can't fly, otherwise that would have made it perfect.

"Ha ha, evil dooers, watch as I punch through your evil fortress with the greatest of ease!" He ran right through a wall leaving a cartoon-like hole in the shape of his body. Plaster now stuck to his body and hair. "Bullets bounce off my manly chest!" This was stated after Marius tried to chuck a desk lamp at him. "Watch as I amaze you with my superspeed!"

He quickly jumped against the wall and pushed away with his legs, bounding over the two chasing vampires. He landed nimbly and returned the same way, going through the same wall but not the same hole. This I can verify, for I have seen the two Armand-shaped exits side by side.

For all his superheroic maneuvering, however, he made a mistake. You would think someone so short would be able to see the gigantic hole he'd made in the floor, but nooo...

Armand tripped and his legs flew out from under him, placing him butt-down in the hole. Imagine him stuck in a toilet with his legs and arms sticking ridiculously up, and you will have the picture. I know this is true, because for some reason Marius stopped to take a picture. No, I won't put that up on the web, that is too humiliating. Besides, Armand has promised to pay my price not to do that. It's not blackmail, it's...friendly negotiating.

In any case, Armand was flailing like a fish in his self-made trap. Marius and Pandora considered what they should do, and they came to the consensus that Marius should push him through and Pandora should catch him below. Should and did are two different things, though, and when Marius pushed him, he used a little too much force. Armand went flying down into Pandora's arms, and then they both crashed through to the first floor.

Pandora says Marius said "oops."

"You see, your nefarious schemes will never work against me! I am invulnerable! Good always triumphs in the end! Fur is murder! Up, up and away!" And Armand took off straight into the kitchen. It took awhile for Marius and Pandora to run after him again, since Pandora was twisting Marius' arm behind his back and making him say "uncle!"

Meanwhile, Armand was running around like a madman in the kitchen, his arms out as if he were playing airplane and screaming "Zoom! Zoom!" as loud as he could. Now, normally this kitchen is quite empty since vampires have no need of food, but Daniel had been planning a party and it was stocked from top to bottom.

After a few minutes, Armand heard Marius and Pandora approaching, and he decided he needed a safe place to hide. I don't know why, but for some reason he chose a huge ice box and jumped in with the frozen fish. A long time passed as the elders searched the kitchen, until finally Armand couldn't stand the temperature. He jumped out with a loud roar, terrifying the two vampires.

"Now, Armand, settle down," Marius tried, but Armand only laughed.

"What? Armand? This must be another of your endless plots to destroy my memory and thus annihilate me! Foolish Braniac, don't you know I can't be defeated?"

"Armand, don't make this harder than it has to be," Pandora growled, no longer in a good mood. She stepped close, trying to grab him, but he reached into the ice box and took up two large trouts. He started spinning them like nunchucks and whacked her across the face with one, and when she spun to the side, he smacked her bottom with one.

Yes, she nearly incinerated him then and there, but Marius stepped between her and his fledgling. He is still recovering from the double whammy of Pandora's punch and Armand's fish. When he dropped to the floor unconscious, Pandora was shocked by what she'd done and knelt by him, trying to slap him awake. Oh, she is a gentle one.

Armand, sensing his chance for escape, tucked his trout into his underwear and ran upstairs. Pandora says she heard him crying out "Don't worry, Daniel, I shall save you from their evil clutches!"

Daniel was stretched out on his bed, entirely nude with a chain around his throat locked to the nearest bed post. Armand had left him like this so he'd be vulnerable and helpless, but while Daniel is one of our youngest, he is not as helpless as Armand would like to think. Of course, sitting in the dark does strange things to one's imagination, and being restrained and nude doesn't help. All he says he saw was the door fly open and a dark creature with feet like hooves (the platforms), horns (the plaster in his hair), bat wings (the remains of the coat), and, to use his own words, "two slimy cocks the size of baseball bats sticking out of his diaper and dripping down his legs!" Yes, the trout.

Poor Danny had no idea what it really was. All he could do was try to defend himself, but all he had was a can of shaving cream. You'd think he'd give up with no real weapon to save his life.

They don't call them the Fighting Irish for nothing. Armand came close, and Daniel let loose with the shaving cream, covering him from head to toe.

Armand stumbled to the ground, and Daniel kept spraying him, getting it everywhere. Now he got up from the bed, picked up the grand piano beside him, and hurled it at the shaving creamed monster at his feet. There was a cacophony of musical notes, a groan, and then silence.

Of course when Daniel went to investigate, he found an enraged Armand, who was covered in shaving cream, with two trout between his legs in his underwear, plaster all over himself, and with the beginnings of frostbite on his toes, with no memory of how he got that way. Only Pandora saved Daniel from a trout up the wazoo. Somehow Marius crawled over to the scene to take another picture, and then he passed out.

So now, dear readers, the dust has proverbially settled. Marius has made copies of his photos and blown them up postersize for his room, where he is being nursed back to health by Pandora, whose bruises are going down nicely. Daniel is still chained to the bed, since Armand hasn't forgiven him, although I'm sure he doesn't mind.

And our favorite little lunatic? I managed to get my hands on the negative of that first photo, so Armand is over here at Rue Royal acting as housekeeper (for an undecided period) so I won't post it on the web. Lestat loves this, he loves dropping things on the floor to make Armand pick them up. Of course our new maid used our internet connection to post a slash story about me (I'm not saying where it is) in retaliation. And so I posted this.

I warned him.

The End