Revenge of the Typos!

Spoilers: All Vamp. Chron.

Disclaimers: Anne Rice owns the vamps, not me, and I make no money off of this.

Warnings: Extremely weird stuff. I mean it. This is super weird. Do not expect coherence. Slash.

Author: This time I'll sneak up on him...

Louis: (looks up from his book Hard Times) I sense a strange disturbance in the force...Aha! It's you! Look, if you don't go away, I'll be forced to do something drastic. You are getting worse than annoying.

Author: You...you...big meanie! I just want you to have some fun...(starts crying)

Louis: There there, I didn't mean to sound so cruel, I try to be polite and gentlemanly all the time.

Author: (mumbles under her breath) And it's frustrating as hell.

Louis: What?

Author: (innocently) I said I can always tell. Really, I only want you to have some fun...

Louis: Well, maybe it wouldn't be that bad.

Author: ...with Armand.

Louis: I knew it! You sick pervert! Get a boyfriend, for crying out loud!

Author: I'm trying, damn it! How much time do you think I have, writing all these specs and taking classes and searching for male bondage online? It's so hard to find out there!

Louis: Eww! You are sick! Mojo, sic her, boy!

Mojo leaps into action, dashing across the living room and diving through the air at the poor Author.

Author: Eek! (types furiously) Moho goes back to sleep!

Suddenly a second dog appears out of nowhere and drops unconscious on the rug, while the first Mojo continues to soar across the room and pounce on the Author's leg.

Author: Ow! (tries to shake him off)What the heck?

Louis: (examines text) Moho? Looks like you made a typo. Moho is asleep, but Mojo is still after you.

Lestat: (comes out of the bedroom rubbing his eyes sleepily) What's going on out here? Damn it, I'm trying to get my beauty sleep! Whoever's responsible for waking me up is going to get severely thrashed!

Author: Yikes! I need a happy powerful vampire, not an angry one! (types) Lestat trips down the stairs.

Lestat: Aaah! (falls down the stairs and hits his head on the floor, landing unconscious next to Moho)

Louis: Hey, that's not fair!

Author: I meant to type "skips," not "trips!" Get off me, mutt! (types) Mojo grows wings and flies outside to enjoy his new power.

Mojo sprouts big butterfly wings and flies away!

Louis: Have you been eating mushrooms again?

Author: (big smile) Only the sparkly ones! And the ones made out of cotton. Look, I'll show you.

Bright mushrooms suddenly sprout everywhere, on furniture, on the floor, on the ceiling, in the fireplace...the ones in the fire are pretty orange and holographic yellow.

Louis: Oh dear...I'm in a spec written by a high author who's typing erratically.

Author: Whee!

The door opens and Marius enters.

Marius: What on earth is happening in here? I just saw Mojo fly away!

Author: Oh, Marius! (types) All rise to greet the old Roman.

Marius: Oy, my back! (stoops over and puts one hand on his back, grabbing a cane that magically appears.

All the sprouting furniture rears up on two legs, and the chair Louis is sitting in dumps him onto the floor as it salutes Marius)

Louis: Damn it, be careful! You just made Marius feel his age! And make the house settle down!

Author: Ooooookayyyyy...(types) House settles down...Marius feels great...Armand and Daniel pop in!

Armand: Marius, are you all right?

Marius: (big dopey grin) Me feel great! (Marius is having an orgasm that won't quit)

Daniel: Hey, mushrooms! (grabs a few and starts munching)

Armand: Daniel, have you forgotten that you're a vampire? You can't get high off of straight mushrooms.

Daniel: Aww, man, no fair!

Author: Poor Danny...(types) Daniel dithcoverth he can thuck the juith out of the mushroomth

Louis: How did you type with a lips? (hand over his mouth in shock) Lisp! Lisp! I meant lisp!

Too late. Daniel chows down and clears off an entire table full. Looks up dreamily. Lips like out of the Rocky Horror Picture Show start to float around the air and eat up some of the mushrooms, turning different colors.

Daniel: Mmm, that'th tho tathty!

Armand: Not Danny's pretty voice! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Time warps and Armand's voice continues to resound through the house. Marius' cane sprouts more mushrooms. In his consternation, Louis accidentally steps on Moho's tail, waking him up with a howl.

Louis: Aarrrroooooo! (shakes his head) Stop that, I'm not the one who howls!

Author: Sorry. (types) Moho gets up and runs around in circles, running into Marus and tearing off his clothes.

Louis: You misspelled another name!

A Marius clone appears in the doorway, wearing thin clothing until Moho claws it off, revealing leather underwear.

Marius: Slander! Deliberate slander! I do not wear leather!

Armand: Yeah, he wears lace.

Author: Oh, okay. (types) Marius wears lace, not leather.

Marus, the Marius clone, still has on leather, and grabs Marius' cane and starts doing obscene things with it. Marius, on the other hand, now is only wearing lace doilies. Mojo abruptly reappears through a window, strafing the vampires and pretending to be a pigeon.

All: Eek, run away, run away!

The commotion wakes lestat.

Louis: You did it again!

lestat rises out of Lestat, who also gets up. They stare at each other in surprise for a moment.

Lestat & lestat: You're so beautiful!

Armand: Narcissists.

Mojo collides with a few flying lips and crashes to the ground on top of Daniel.

Louis: Damn it, Author, stop this insanity! This is all your fault. Fix it!

Author: Wooooo...pretty little lights...byyeee... (wanders away from the computer)

Louis: She just...left? She abandoned us? It's okay, Louis, don't worry, don't panic...it'll be all right, I can fix this. (runs over to his typewriter, an old machine that could only put ink words on paper and were a pain to use. Does anyone remember those?)

Louis: (typing frantically) Mojo decides to shed his wings and stop racing about.

Mojo stands up on two legs, calmly turns around and unzips his wings from his back. He gives them to Moho as a present, and Moho flies away to parts unknown.

Louis: Oooookayyyy...(types) All the mushrooms and lips disappear.

All of the mushrooms shrivel up and die, disintegrating into fine powder, and the lips fly off after Moho to parts unknown.

Louis: (types) Marus puts the cane away and decides to run away after Moho...um...and they all fly off to France. No one will notice them there.

Armand: (tears in his eyes) Can you make Danny all better?

Daniel: Why? What'th wrong?

Louis: I think so. (types) Daniel's speech returns to the way it should be.

Daniel: Faith an' begorah, yuir after me lucky charms!

Armand and Louis stare in shock.

Armand: Don't you remember he's Irish?!

Louis: This is harder than it looks. (types) Daniel's speech returns to the way it was before the Author came in.

Daniel: Why are you guys staring at me like that?

Armand: Praise God. Louis, we are leaving now before anything else happens. Goodbye. (grabs Daniel by the pants and drags him outside, apparently intending to drag him all the way to Florida)

Louis: Now all I have to fix is Lestat and lestat.

Louis glances over at Lestat and lestat, who have stopped admiring each other and are now glancing meaningfully at Louis, with pretty bedroom eyes and "come hither" stares. Louis looks down at his typewriter, then sets it aside.

Louis: I can fix this later.

Louis gets up and joins Lestat and lestat, who start to take his clothes off. Both of their attentions are focused intently on undressing and pleasing Louis, who just now remembers that the readers can still see what's going on.

Louis: The End!