The Insatiable Vampire Piper of Hamlin

Author: We begin our story in a small town with a singular problem--

Louis: Stop right there!

Author: Yikes, I've been spotted!

Louis: Trying to sneak up on me, hmm? Would you be trying to set me up with Armand before I get my guard up?

Author: (mumbling) Just trying to make you get anything up.

Louis: (not hearing) And look at your writing, for crying out loud! The title is a sad imitation that sounds pornographic, and you all but sacrificed setting and background just to get to me! Do you call that writing?

Author: Well...(mumbles again) I forgot he's doesn't hesitate to criticize work.

Lestat: (peeks out from behind the curtain) Tell me about it.

Author: Hey, it's not your cue yet!

Lestat: Spoilsport. (disappears again)

Louis: (not missing a beat) And you skipped past the disclaimer, warnings and spoilers. Do you really want to get sued by Anne Rice, the real author? You know she's turned into a homophobe.

Author: I know, but I'm just trying to get you on stage and in the story.

Louis: You call yourself an author? Go find a boyfriend and please spare us your little forays into literature.

Author: Hey! A lot of readers say they like my stuff!

Louis: Charity. But actually, you could improve your work if you structured your plots a bit better, followed outlines, used a bit more descriptive imagery--

Author: (eyes glowing red in anger) That's it. I can handle being mocked, I can stand vicious flames, and I can even tolerate being insulted, but I will not be constructively criticized!

Louis: Uh oh. (mumbles to himself) I forgot she thinks she's an artist.

Author: I heard that! Feel my fury!

Lestat: (behind the curtain) Me first!

Louis: Lestat, hush!

All the vampires magickally appear at the Midnight Island in Imp Manor.

Coven: (lands hard on their rears on the marble floor) Ow!

The Manor becomes infested with rats!

Santino: Look! Friends have come to visit!

Daniel: (picks one up and strokes it) Aww, they're so cute and furry!

Armand: They are amusing, aren't they?

Jesse: (asks Khayman) Are they mentally retarded or what?

Khayman: (picks up three rats and juggles them) Whee!

Jesse: Never mind.

Pandora: Eeek! (leaps into Marius' arms)

Gabrielle: Oh, honestly, they're only rats. (starts draining them)

Author: Bwahahahahaha! There are too many for you to destroy! You'll be overrun in rodents!

Mael: Oh, there are too many for us to destroy! We'll be overrun in rodents!

Lestat: (mumbling) I haven't even had one line and Mael's spouting that kind of trash instead. (looks up) What, my cue? (strikes a pose) I have a plan!

Eric: Figures she would give him the important actions.

Author: That's it. Writing all your lines is too much trouble than it's worth. (types) The entire coven jumps up on a table to escape the flood of rats.

The coven jumps up on a table to escape the flood of rats, the table buckles under the weight and they crash to the floor.

Jesse: Hey, we're not that heavy!

Daniel: Well, you are! Get off me, you're crushing me!

Jesse: Oh, sorry.

Santino: My poor little four-legged friends! You're trampling them!

Maharet: Could you be more pathetic?

Marius: (looks around) Hey, where are Benji and Sybelle?

Author: Ewww! I'm not letting them into my spec!

Armand: You can't just pretend they don't exist! Bring them out!

Author: But I hate them!

Louis: You really should.

Author: Hate them?

Louis: Bring them out.

Author: Fine, fine! Here they are, happy?

Benji and Sybelle appear at the top of the staircase and look all tragic and junk, seconds before the rats cover them up and messily devour them.

Marius: Oh my gosh, she killed Sybelle and Benji!

Armand: You bastard!

Daniel: Can't say that I mind.

Author: That's why I like you Daniel.

Daniel: Really?

Author: Yes, and you'll always have sex in all the specs I write about you.

Daniel: Can I have some right now?

Louis: Not with me!

Author: (typing) Armand and Daniel are instantly teleported to the top of the chandelier, but their clothing is left behind accidentally. Completely naked, they maneuver on the crystal to the delight of the coven, writhing happily. The chandelier swings back and forth like a pendulum.

Armand and Daniel: Whee! It's like a swing!

Lestat: (to Louis) Chere, does this have a plot at all?

Louis: I told you she was a bad writer.

Author: I'd have gotten to the point if you hadn't stopped me at the start of all this.

Louis: It doesn't involve me and Armand, does it?

Author: That's "Armand and I," Louis.

Louis: (glowering) Just answer me.

Lestat: Oh, so that's what glowering looks like. I'd never seen it before.

Author: Armand is kinda busy right now, Louis.

Jesse: If you're going to just ignore us, can we leave?

Khayman: Already? (drops his rats unceremoniously)

Author: No!

Santino: My poor babies! (picks up rats and cuddles them)

Lestat: Didn't I say I had a plan few seconds ago? What's my plan?

Louis: Obviously we need a piper.

Lestat: Huh?

Author: Okay...plot...got the coven...got the rats...need the piper...who's gonna be the piper?

Lestat: Is it the starring role?

Author: Yup.

Lestat: I'll do it, I'll do it!

Author: Great! Get into your costume while I take care of things here!

Lestat: I'll be backstage!

The coven jumps up onto various fixtures to avoid the rats that are sweeping inside. Marius and Pandora get up on the coffee table, Mael climbs the fake topiary, Eric sits on the mantle above the fireplace, Jesse sits on the top of a recliner, Santino climbs the wall as far as he can go. Khayman grabs the bottom of the chandelier and swings with it like a monkey while Armand and Danny go at it like bunnies. And...where's Louis?

Louis: Over here! (sitting on top of a counter next to a handy microwave) We don't need your silly piper idea! (pops a rat into the microwave and turns it on)

Santino: Nooooo!

The microwave explodes in a burst of psychic energy, and the rat shoots out into Santino's waiting arms, leaving a smoke trail from its tail.

Louis: Damn.

Lestat: (reappears) I can't believe you wanted to take my starring role from me!

Louis: I can't believe you're wearing that. Or rather, barely wearing that.

Lestat is wearing jewelry, necklaces, bracelets, earrings, a lock of his hair is braided alluringly and he has a blue skirt-thing slit up the sides. He has ankle boots and that's it.

Gabrielle: *sigh* You don't try to raise them right and look what happens...

Author: (bestows a golden flute to Lestat) Here you go, try tooting this.

Eric: Hey, Lestat's playing with his flute!

Coven & Author: !!!

Lestat: (angrily) Wrong flute, smart ass. (raises flute to lips and plays sweet music)

Louis: Wow...you play so pretty...

Marius: It doesn't seem to be affecting the rats.

Author: What? What do the rats have to do with anything?

Pandora: The legend of the Pied Piper of Hamlin is that he got rid of all the rats in Hamlin, but when the villagers wouldn't pay up, he took the children away, too.

Author: Really? I've never heard of that.

Mael: But...you titled this spec after that...and the rats...

Author: Coincidence, I guess.

Mael: I'm getting splinters in unmentionable places and this spec isn't going anywhere?!

Khayman: Wait, look!

All the vampires watch as Louis starts dancing on the counter to the beautiful music Lestat is playing. He unbuttons his shirt and swings it around over his head, tossing it onto Santino's head. His boots are quickly kicked off and he starts to undo his pants.

Armand and Daniel break off miraculously to watch. Well, Daniel looks down to watch, pushed forward every once in awhile while Armand...keeps going...yeah...use your imagination...

Daniel: Wow, looks like this spec is definitely going somewhere now! Work it, Louis!

Jesse: Shake your bon bon!

Author: I can't believe you said that. I should drop you into the rats.

Jesse: Oh, come on, his butt is tight!

Gabrielle: She is right about that! My son's got great taste in men!

Eric: But not fashion sense.

Pandora: I thought that was the Author's fault.

Author: Hush, he's down to his skivvies!

The coven quiets down as Louis twirls and struts, playing with his underroos provocatively.

Louis: Lestat, stop! I can't control myself! Stop playing!

Lestat: (keeps playing) Yeah right.

Louis: At least give us some privacy here!

Author: You promise not to give me a hard time when we do this again?

Louis: I promise, I promise!

Author: Okay.

Coven: Awwww, no!

Lestat flies forward, grabs Louis, and they fly out of the manor. A pair of skivvies drops down through the hole in the ceiling and lands on Armand.

Armand: Dibs!

Daniel: You'll have to fight for them!

Suddenly the chandelier finally falls, sending the rats scurrying away.

Santino: No, don't let them get hurt!

Author: Never say I don't have a heart. (gives Santino a flute)

Santino: Yay! (beings to play, and dances out of the manor as the rats follow him home)

Eric: Hey, what's going on? (starts dancing unwillingly after Santino)

Author: Well, the flute does attract rats...

Eric: I resent that! (dances merrily into the distance after Santino)

Coven jumps off of their furniture, and Armand and Danny brush themselves off.

Armand: Who's going to clean this up?

Marius: Look at the time, I must be going! (exits)

Pandora: I've got to get back to my soap operas! (exits)

Jesse: Maharet will be furious if I don't get back soon. (exits and drags Khayman after her)

Mael: I must be off to an Eco-Meeting. (takes the topiary and exits)

Author: I've...got class right now! (darts off)

Daniel kicks Sybelle's and Benji's bones.

Daniel: Now who'll clean this up?

Armand: Stay here. I'll get your little French maid skirt.

Daniel: Aw, man...

The End

Author: Oh, yeah. I don't own the vampires, Anne Rice does. I make no money off of this. No vampires were hurt in this, except Sybelle and Benji. The microwaved rat is doing well.