A Few Grievances

Spoilers: All Chron, my Vamp-Moto spec, my Insatiable Vampire Piper of Hamlin spec, my Video-rotica spec.

Warnings: Implied slash

Disclaimers: I don't own the vampires, Anne Rice does. This author is mine, although there are other authors out there that I don't own. I make no money off of this.

Author: hum de tum tum...just minding my own business...being a good girl...(idly passes the window)

Voice 1: There she is!

Voice 2: Let's get her! This bush is making my underwear ride up fierce!

Voice 1: You wear underwear?

Voice 3: Charge!

Voice 4: I never get any good lines...

Four vampires leap through the window, all of them in tight black Spandex with teensy little masks that barely cover their eyes. They seize the author and push her into a sofa.

Author: Guys, cut it out! I'ts not like this isn't a personal fantasy, but lay off. I bruise easy.

Lestat: Hey, she isn't scared!

Louis: Not even a bit? After I went to all the trouble of thinking this up, too...

Armand: Well, why not? Four masked men assault her and she isn't afraid?

Lestat: Four? More like three and a half.

Daniel: Ha ha!

(Armand glares maliciously)

Daniel: Ha...(laugh turns wimpy)

Author: You're not masked, not really. I can tell who you are. Those tiny masks only work in comic books.

Lestat: (looks around at companions) Ohh...

Louis: Mmm...she has a point.

Daniel: Can I take the mask off then? It itches. This glue is harsh on my skin.

Armand: You whine worse than Louis sometimes! (snatches Danny's mask off)

Louis: I do not whine!

Daniel: Ow, that hurt! What'd you do that for? (starts crying)

Author: Poor Danny, come here baby... (holds arms open)

Daniel climbs into the author's lap and cries on her shoulder. Author pats his head and tells him "there, there."

Armand: Hey, he's mine! Not fair!

Lestat: Now who's whining?

Louis: Lestat, make them stop calling me a whiner! I don't whine! I'm a good vampire, I never whine, how dare he accuse me of--

All: Enough!

Louis: (sniffling) Why are you all being so mean to me?

Author: Oh, there there Louis. Don't cry. (holds arms out)

Louis collapses on her lap opposite Daniel, and both keep sobbing on her shoulders.

Lestat: Louis? You two-timer!

Author: You should talk, you philanderer. Leave poor Louis alone.

Armand: Daniel, stop crying. It's embarrassing. Besides, we came here for a good fight, not a good cry!

Author: Fight? Why?

Lestat: Why? Why! Should I make a list?

Armand: Don't bother, I already did. (whips out long scroll of grievances)

Louis: See...I'm not the anal one...boo hoo...

Author: It's okay, I still love you.

Lestat: Speaking of anal, Armand, we're in skin tight spandex. Where were you keeping that scroll?

Daniel: Same place Batman keeps his batarangs.

Armand: (ahem) Grievance one--you made Louis strip in front of the coven--

Louis: That's right! I was mortified!

Armand: Excuse me, I was talking. I repeat, you made Louis strip and then he ran away from said coven.

Author: He got away, didn't he?

Armand: That's the point! He should run slower and then trip helplessly on the floor.

Louis: (gasp!)

Daniel: Two-timer!

Armand: Grievance two--you put me in a dress.

Author: You look so good in a dress, though.

Armand: That's the point! It should have been red. You made it pink.

Author: It was a silly, not a slash.

Lestat: (leaning irately against the wall) Sex-starved vampires chasing Louis isn't slash?

Louis: (smiles suddenly) Lestat, you do care!

Lestat: Of course. That pretty little bottom is all mine.

Louis: (sobbing again) You only like my body!!! Wah!

Author: It's okay, calm down. (to other vamps) Look, it was a silly. If Armand had caught Louis, then it would have been slash.

Daniel: Ha ha, short legs loses again!

Armand: Grievance three--you made us race in vehicles for no reason.

Author: But it was funny!

Armand: Danny and I crashed.

Lestat: You're just jealous you lost, pipsqueak.

Armand: (throws down scroll in a huff) And furthermore, your specs are overrated!

Author: (eyes glow red in fury and her battle aura burns bright) Hey! Almost everyone says they like my stories! You got a problem with that, and I'll make you take a vow of chastity!

Daniel: Noo!

Armand: No no no...you over-rate your specs. The ratings are too high.

Author: (grows confused as the battle aura dims down) I don't get it.

Louis: What Monsieur Inarticulate is trying to say is that you rate a story R or NC-17 when it should be G or lower.

Author: There's a very good reason for that.

Armand: (puts hands on shapely hips) I can't wait to hear this.

Author: Look, I don't rate them the way most of the readers think they are. I rate them how stuck-up, Puritannical parents would see them. We don't see heavy petting and kissing as X, but they would, especially if it's a same sex couple. Okay?

Armand: Ohhh...

Louis: I understand. It's so clear now.

Daniel: I get it...

Lestat: But still! They aren't reading it. You mean you're rating for people who will never see this and excluding your readers just to cover your own rear in case someone stumbles on this?

Author: Erk...um...next question!

Louis: Yes, when will Lestat treat me right?

Daniel: And when will Armand be nice for a change?

Armand: And when will Danny stop acting like a child?

Daniel: You big meanie! (charges Armand and they fight on the floor)

Lestat: (silently thinking) Vampire sense...tingling. There's a chance for sex here. (out loud) Oh chere, I never mean to hurt you. Can you ever forgive me?

Louis: You are so sweet...of course! (jumps into Lestat's arms and they start to make out. Armand and Daniel stop fighting, keep rolling on the floor)

Author: Figures: I can't even get any action in my own stories. Well, I'll be taking a cold shower. Let yourselves out when you're done. (heads for the shower) Damn...never get a use for my whip...

The End