Warning: Adult themes

Spoilers: All Vamp Chron

Hello, my loyal fans, the Vampire Lestat here once more, keeping you up to date on the swing of things in our coven! Now usually I don't like to divulge private events in our lives (actually the rest of my coven doesn't like me to. I love it!) but recently something so spectacular happened that I simply have to tell you everything!

Daniel and Armand tied the knot!

Yes, our favorite two imps finally decided to stop living in sin and enjoy nuptial confinement--I mean, commitment. Anyway, we threw a bachelor's party for the both of them, and as usually happens, things got a bit...out of hand. I'm afraid I'm going to have to censor some of the juicier bits. Don't worry, I'm sure of you will elaborate on these amusing little fanfiction boards of yours. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to give my lover a spanking.

All right, it was a couple of nights ago, right after everyone woke up. Drunk mortals lined the halls, drinking xxxxxxxx until midnight, when mon chere Louis turned xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx "Living La Vida Loca." All the mortals hopped up on the tables and started dancing while Eric xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx with Santino, who had a xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx the hula. Daniel xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx lime jello jigglers and started xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx in the bedroom. Then I rode in with my pretty white horse xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx "remember the alamo, remember the alamo!" The drugs those mortals were on were amazing. Pandora and David started doing the xxxxxxx on the table, which was decorated with a Pokemon cloth. Suddenly Marius burst out of the cake, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx but a lampshade and a smile.

That's when my little Mojo xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx David dropped like a fly and Pandora was violently sick all over Khayman, who hardly noticed since he xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx with Maharet under the table. I repeat, those drugs are amazing, and vampires on them are simply tireless in their exercises. Mekare joined in, and at xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx, Armand came in wearing a tutu and backflipping across the room. Then he xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx chocolate frosting.

Mael then charged in and tackled Santino, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx both of them were screaming and yelling and moaning. Mael xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx said it was for killing innocent blades of grass. That's when Gabrielle xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx around her head, yelling "viva la France!" and mooning the mortals. Then Louis put on the polka at 78 r.p.m., and did the Charleston with David. That's when I xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx. Marius got understandably upset at that, and he threw the remainders of the cake at me. Unfortunately, the pieces hit mon chere, and he grabbed the nearest thing he could, which happened to be Armand's tutu, and ripped it off. He flung it at Marius, but of course it did no damage, but now Armand was xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx stark naked. I grabbed Louis and handcuffed him so xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx. Daniel came in sloshed as usual, saw his maker, and ran toward him, but he ran into xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx around Mojo. Daniel gasped, put his hand to his mouth and ran for the bathroom. Halfway there, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx but that didn't stop him. He left a trail all the way to the bathroom on the wall, at eye-level no less! Louis used the distraction to find David xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx, so I followed him and caught xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx. That's when I xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx took Louis back home.

Louis here. Lestat doesn't know it, but I've secretly added in the uncensored version of this thing. I think everyone ought to know how jealous he gets of me. It's awful the way he treats me sometimes, watching me, checking my calls, chaining me to the bed and rubbing warm...scented...oil...all over...oops, sorry got carried away there. Oh no, Lestat's coming! Post!

All right, it was a couple of nights ago, right after everyone woke up. Drunk mortals lined the halls, drinking lemonade until midnight, when mon chere Louis turned on the radio and caught "Living La Vida Loca." All the mortals hopped up on the tables and started dancing while Eric did a long tap dance routine with Santino, who had a grass skirt on and did the hula. Daniel brought out the lime jello jigglers and started building a mountain in the bedroom. Then I rode in with my pretty white horse and charged though the house, yelling "remember the alamo, remember the alamo!" The drugs those mortals were on were amazing. Pandora and David started doing the can-can on the table, which was decorated with a Pokemon cloth. Suddenly Marius burst out of the cake, wearing nothing but a lampshade and a smile.

That's when my little Mojo jumped up next to David, howled, turned around three times and let out the worst fart in the world. You wouldn't believe how bad it was. David dropped like a fly and Pandora was violently sick all over Khayman, who hardly noticed since he was doing push ups with Maharet under the table. I repeat, those drugs are amazing, and vampires on them are simply tireless in their exercises. Mekare joined in, and at the thousandth sit up, Armand came in wearing a tutu and backflipping across the room. Then he showed us how to make chocolate frosting.

Mael then charged in and tackled Santino, pummeling him and both of them were screaming and yelling and moaning. Mael punched him out and said it was for killing innocent blades of grass. That's when Gabrielle ran through the room with her pigtails flowing around her head, yelling "viva la France!" and mooning the mortals. Then Louis put on the polka at 78 r.p.m., and did the Charleston with David. That's when I threw David out the window. Marius got understandably upset at that, and he threw the remainders of the cake at me. Unfortunately, the pieces hit mon chere, and he grabbed the nearest thing he could, which happened to be Armand's tutu, and ripped it off. He flung it at Marius, but of course it did no damage, but now Armand was doing pirouettes stark naked. I grabbed Louis and handcuffed him so he wouldn't grab the acetylene torch he'd snuck in. Daniel came in sloshed as usual, saw his maker, and ran toward him, but he ran into the green cloud hovering around Mojo. Daniel gasped, put his hand to his mouth and ran for the bathroom. Halfway there, he started to puke, but that didn't stop him. He left a trail on the wall all the way to the bathroom, at eye-level no less. Louis used the distraction to find David and the key to the cuffs, so I followed him and caught David feeling my fledgling up. That's when I promptly threw David back into the party and took Louis back home.