Disclaimer: I don't own the vampires, Anne Rice and her corporate, soul-devouring publishers do.

In a dark room in Armand's Manor, the new theater was ready for use. Several chairs had been set up in front of the huge screen, but so far only one person was seated. Armand paced back and forth, arms folded over his chest. "Where are they?" he growled at his fledgling, who sat upside down in the plush Lazy Boy chair. "They should have been here by now!"

Daniel smiled lazily. "Maybe they're all making out in the library again. Or maybe they've found your Playgirl subscription--"

"We do not have a subscription to that magazine!" Armand snarled, scaring Daniel so much that he fell out of his seat. "You just keep bringing those dumb things home with you!"

"I notice you don't get rid of them," Daniel muttered, rubbing the sore spot on his head. "Half of 'em are under your bed. I have to go searching for them whenever--"

"We're here!" Marius yelled, coming inside the large room. David came behind him, brushing his hair while staring into a mirror. "My apologies, but I had to drag Narcissus here from his vanity!"

"Are you sure you succeeded?" Daniel asked.

"I need my mirror," David said matter-of-factly. "And I need my hair spray." He took out a can of PermaHold and started spritzing his hair, filling the room up with smelly gas.

"Thank goodness that gas is just hairspray," Daniel said, reading the text. "So, where're our last two guests?"

"It figures he'd be late," Armand hissed. "I only invited him because I knew he'd sulk if I didn't--"

"Hey, do you hear something?" Marius interrupted.

They all listened, and sure enough, they heard a familiar voice yelling and coming closer. Suddenly the door burst open and Louis stormed in, eyes blazing. Lestat followed after him.

"Lestat, I cannot believe you would be so foolish! That had to be one of your dumbest ideas, and what's worse is that I actually went along with it!"

"But chere, chere, I didn't think spaghetti would get so sticky so soon--!"

Louis stepped on Daniel as he headed for his seat, ignoring the yelp from the fledgling. David snickered, Marius merely rolled his eyes and sighed, and Armand stared in worry. The last time Louis had been so upset, an entire theater had gone down in a fiery explosion.

"Exactly, you didn't think!" Louis hissed. "I'm going to be digging pasta from everywhere for nights on end!"

Lestat stepped on Daniel as he chased Louis around the seats.

Daniel looked up angrily. "Excuse me, I am down here, you know!"

David smirked at him. "Yes, but no one cares."

"Come closer and say that, Brit boy."

"Louis, please chere, can't we try it just one more time?"

Louis stopped in front of David and snatched his hairspray away.

"Hey, Louis, that's mi--" David saw the insane fury in Louis' eyes and decided to let it drop.

Louis whirled and held up the hairspray, brandishing a lighter and flipping it on. "Damn it, Lestat, I did it before, I can do it again!"

After that, everything happened in a blur.

Armand gasped and jumped Louis, trying to keep him from pressing the button. His diminutive size only knocked Louis off balance, though, and forced his hand to start the spray up. A jet of liquid fire streamed out at Lestat, who screamed and dove to the side.

"Daniel!" Armand shouted in warning.

Daniel looked up in surprise since without Lestat in the way, the fire was headed right at him. He dived to the floor, falling on top of Lestat, but his clothes still caught fire.

Finally Louis stopped, but the mist of spray ignited and now Louis was partially ablaze. Lestat saw his fledgling on fire and stumbled toward him. Marius whipped off his coat and prepared to stamp out the fires, but instead he only managed to stamp on Daniel's fingers.

"Ow ow ow! Cut it out!"

Louis looked in awe at the flames dancing on his coat. "Ooh, pretty...it's starting to hurt, though...ow...ow...OW!!!"

David was sure the fire would only spread, and his hair was the most flammable thing in the room, so he closed his eyes and started a chant he hoped would put the fire out.

"Ee a hava eeowi heeowa hua shall et ma ko cheesy woorina woorina woorina--"

"Oh no you don't!" Lestat screamed, tackling him and covering his mouth. The theater screen flickered, then faded again. "Damn, that was close. No more spells out of you, got that? The worst things happen when you chant!"

"I wasn't chanting," David lied, trying to defend himself. (Hey, you'd lie too if you had a powerful vampire on your chest. Well, lie or lay, if it was Lestat--sorry, got distracted there.)

"Either you were about to cast a spell or that was a bad Enya song!"

"Um, I am still on fire," Daniel called out.

"So am I!" Louis shouted.

Lestat picked up David and knocked Louis down, then beat out the fires with his British fledgling.

*Thud!*Thud!*Thud!*Ow! Ow! Ow!

"Lestat, stop that!"

"Sorry, Lou'."

"Hey, pass him over here, will you?" Marius yelled.

Lestat tossed David through the air to the Roman, who promptly put him to good use beating out Daniel's flames.

*Wham!*Wham!*Wham!*

Daniel just sighed. "This spec is gonna be painful the whole way through, I just know it."

David's mind was elsewhere (being beaten and now partially on flames can do that to a person). He closed his eyes and started to chant again.

Lestat stared in horror at him, but he couldn't get to him in time. "Dammnit, no, David, not another stupid spell!"

It was too late, though. The screen crackled to life, and then Louis seemed to fly off the ground, pulled like a magnet against the screen. Lestat grabbed for his fledgling but missed. There was a sucking sound, and then he disappeared into the blank screen.

"Lestat, get me out of here!" Louis cried. "I feel like I'm falling!"

Marius sighed. "Oh, no, not this again."

Lestat turned on David with a snarl. "Damn it, now look what you've done!" He picked him up and started ramming him against the ground. "Can't you stop casting spells?"

"Ow! I didn't mean to--Ow!--put him in there--Ow!--I was trying to get rid of the fires--Ow!--hey, my flames are going out--Ow!--I guess the spell thought I meant put him in the screen."

"Who cares what the spell thought, just find a way out for him!" Lestat threw him down the aisle.

"I have to go get my book," David said, running out to find it, and Marius ran after him.

"It's okay, chere, just hold on a little bit," Lestat called out at the screen.

Louis shuddered as he looked around. "Lestat, it's so empty here...I feel like I'm falling."

"At least he's not in the Phillips Flat TV," Daniel said.

Armand nodded. "With surround sound."

Daniel glared at his maker. "Now don't start that again!"

"Let me get a picture up there for him," Armand said, picking up the remote. An instant later, Louis was standing in a nicely furnished living room.

"Hey, I recognize that show," Daniel yelled. "It's Buffy the Vampire Slayer!"

"But she's not there right now," Lestat sighed in relief. "My helpless little baby couldn't handle her on his own."

"I am not helpless," Louis said indignantly.

"Are you sure about that?" came a smooth new voice. Louis looked to his left and saw a young vampire with hair so blonde it was nearly white. And a wonderful English accent. "My name's Spike. Who're you, pretty?"

"Louis..." he murmured dreamily.

"Hey, hey!" Lestat growled. "What are you two--?"

Spike suddenly grabbed Louis and fiercely kissed him, tearing at his shirt. "Has anyone made love to you, beautiful?"

*click*

*splash!*

For a moment there was nothing on the screen except a vast ocean scene, and then Louis burst back onto the surface, spluttering water out of his eyes and mouth. "Lestat, what did you do that for?" he cried. "He was cute!"

"If you try anything again I'll click you to a horror movie!" Lestat raged. "You belong to me, remember!"

Armand piped up "Louis, if you ever feel trapped, you know you can come live here."

Daniel and Lestat glared at Armand. "HEY!"

Armand just smiled.

"Where am I now?" Louis sighed, looking around the water.

Armand cocked his head at the screen. "Is it me, or is he losing clothing?"

They all peered closer. Louis' sweater had disappeared, and his shirt clung to his wet body, hugging every curve and muscle.

"I'm not sure," Lestat said innocently. "Change the channel and see if it happens again."

"NO!" Louis cried, "don't do that! Don't change the channel!!"

*splash!*doo dooom*

Louis paused in worry. "What was that noise?"

Daniel bit his lip. "Ow! Um, I think it was a cello."

*dooooo doom*

Louis looked around frantically. "Quick, what movie is this?"

They all shrugged, but Daniel closed his eyes. "I don't think you wanna know."

*dum dum dum dum dum dumdum dum dum* A white fin over a long, dark silhouette cut through the water, heading straight for the helpless vampire.

"I think it's Jaws!" Lestat cried. "Change the channel!"

"No!" Louis protested. "You just want me to lose more clothes! It's probably just Baywatch anyway."

"Louis, think!" Danny screamed. "Would you rather be chum or a sex toy?"

Armand looked at Lestat. "I thought he was a sex toy."

"I am not a sex toy!"

"You're gonna be a chew toy in a few seconds!" Daniel yelled. "Lestat, just change the channel!"

Lestat pointed the remote. There was an explosion of water to Louis' left, and the younger vampire looked up into the largest mouth he had ever seen.

"EEEEEK!!!"

*click*

"Under the sea, under the sea, life's so much better down where it's wetter, under the sea!"

Louis looked at the crab singing its little song and smiled. "It's so cute!"

None of the other vampires replied. Louis' shirt was gone, and they were all mesmerized by the smooth, ivory skin, the pale pink of the nipples, the muscled flat abdomen, the well-built yet slender arms and chest, the--whoops, sorry, got distracted again.

"Hey, what's that in the distance?" the Little Mermaid asked innocently.

"Hey, how is she talking underwater?" Daniel asked.

"Hey, how are those seashells staying on?" Lestat asked.

"Lestat, get your mind out of the gutter!" Louis growled.

"Louis, look out, it's still after you!" Armand cried, pointing at the screen.

They all looked, and sure enough, the huge white shark had gotten caught between channels and was making a bee line for Louis. The fledgling tried to dive down, but he was unused to swimming and twisted awkwardly in the water. Meanwhile, Ariel made the fatal mistake of floating by him and was scooped up into the shark's mouth.

"Hooray!" the singing crab cried. "Now I'm the star of the show!"

"I had some crabs once," Daniel mused. "Boy, those really are the stars of the show while you got 'em." He looked at the disgusted faces beside him and hung his head. "Damn, that was out loud, wasn't it?"

"Danny, I don't want to know about your sordid mortal past," Lestat groaned.

"What? My sordid mortal ass?"

Armand glared at Lestat and put his arm around his fledgling. "That mortal ass was quite nice, not that it's any of your business."

"Lestat!!!"

"Oh, right."

*click*

Louis found himself sitting on the edge of a lake surrounded by a deep forest. His pants and shoes were gone, and now all he had on were his boxers.

"You wear boxers with hearts on them?!" Daniel gasped, laughing.

Louis blushed furiously and ran behind a bush. "Lestat bought them for me!"

"Aw, come back out," Armand cried. "You look so cute in them."

"Oh, just tell me where I am now!" Louis snarled, looking around.

"Can you see anything, darling?" Lestat asked.

"Just a few cabins, the kind a summer camp would have."

Sh Sh Sh Sh Sh Sh Sh Sh Sh

Louis froze. "What was that?"

Sh Sh Sh Sh Ah Ah Ah Sh Sh Sh

Daniel sat up and yelled at the screen. "Louis, run! Don't stop for anything, just run as fast as you can!"

Too late. There was a dark shadow moving in the trees just a few yards away. Louis peered into the darkness, trying to see exactly what it was.

"Is that a mask?" he wondered.

"Louis, run! It's that kid that drowned, he's gonna get ya, just go!"

"I don't understand."

"Will you stop arguing with me and run?! You're at Camp Crystal Lake, it's a Friday the 13th movie, run!"

(Author's note: No matter how much you yell at the screen, though, the people never do what you tell them to. I know from experience.) Louis just watched stupidly as it came closer. He found a flashlight on the ground and turned it on, but it only flickered weakly. Suddenly the shadow disappeared, and Louis backed up nervously, waving his useless flashlight around.

He abruptly bumped into something and stopped. When he turned around, he found a huge man in a hockey mask holding a machete up.

If it was a kid that drowned, he thought, why is he a big man now?

Out loud, he just screamed.

*click*

Louis landed hard on a sandy beach, wearing nothing but a grimace. He groaned and stood up, looking around. "I think this is the Blue Lagoon," he mused, glad for a bit of peace. He looked out of the screen at the three vampires in the audience.

All of them were stunned into silence, worshipfully staring at the ivory demigod in front of them.

"What happens if we change the channel again?" Danny whispered.

"Only one way to find out," Armand said.

Lestat raised the remote.

"Lestat, don't you dare touch that--!"

*click*

Louis appeared in an empty apartment, and he looked down at himself.

"I"m wearing panties!" he screamed in horror!

The door suddenly opened and two guys stepped in.

"Oh...my...goodness..." Chandler gasped.

"That's it, I've converted to bi!" Joey yelped.

Chandler leaned back out his door. "Hey, Phoebe, Monica, Rachel! We've got a half naked guy in green panties over here!"

Louis turned beet red and ran into the bedroom, swiftly locking the door. "Lestat, change the channel!"

No response. He looked out and saw all three of them frozen in a sexual stupor.

"Lestat, now is not the time to space out on me!"

"Hey, whoever you are, please come back out!" Joey yelled. "I promise we'll be gentle."

"Lestat, change the channel!"

"Yeah," Chandler said, "we'll even let you use the whip!"

"Lestat, change this channel right now or else there'll be no loving tonight!"

That did it.

*click*

"Are you ready to rummmmmmbllllllle!"

Louis stood in the center of the ring, surrounded by hundreds of people. He was not only wearing panties now, but also matching stockings with stiletto heels.

"Pretty boy is mine," yelled a bald man, "'cause Stone Cold said so, and that's the bottom line!"

"No, he's mine!" Sting yelled.

"He's undead, he belongs to me!" the Undertaker protested.

Louis watched in amazement as they started slamming each other into the ring. "Wow, three men all fighting for me!" He narrowed his eyes. "Of course, they'd have a better chance of winning if their punches actually connected. They're not really hitting each other at all."

"Hey!" Danny yelled. "Wrestling is not fake!"

Armand and Lestat both stared at Daniel.

"Please tell me you are kidding," Armand said.

"What? It's not fake."

Armand just sighed and shook his head sadly.

"And the Undertaker is the Winner!" yelled the announcer. The tall man came closer and picked Louis up, slinging him over his shoulder. The crowd went wild as Louis was thrown into a coffin and the lid sealed tight.

"Oh, not this again," Louis groaned.

*click*

For a moment, the entire screen was black. There was a high-pitched creak as they heard the coffin open, and then two cartoony green eyes blinked in the darkness.

"Hey, it's like those Bugs Bunny cartoons!" Danny smiled. "I love those things!"

"Where am I?" Louis asked curiously, peering around himself.

"More importantly, what are you wearing?" Armand yelled.

"You don't need to know," Lestat and Louis said simultaneously.

"Is it a corset, is it a corset?" Danny cried.

Suddenly they heard a lighter flick on. Louis was bathed in an orange glow from the open flame, and while they could see he was indeed laced up tight in a green corset, he was also surrounded by a roomful of TNT and gun power kegs.

Lestat shrieked when he saw that and fumbled with the remote, trying to change it. Louis dropped the lighter in shock.

KABOOM!!!

*click*

"You've reached the Playgirl channel's bondage festival, all bondage, all day all night. And now our feature presentation, Punishment of a Vampire."

Louis appeared, slightly singed, locked into a pillory. (Pillory--A wooden frame erected on a post or pole, with holes for holding securely the head and hands, once used to punish an offender by holding him up to public scorn. Just F.Y.I.) His front was the only thing visible at the moment, his hair falling over his eyes as one of the men surrounding him played with the strands and tickled his face. The camera angle panned around, and now they could see the rest of his body, bent over halfway. The corset looked uncomfortably tight, there were black burn spots on his stockings, and his stilettoed ankles were locked to the floor so he couldn't move.

"For the crime of being unbelievably beautiful," one of the male humans read off of a ridiculous scroll prop, (in a Fabio accent), "you are sentenced to twenty lashes, followed by a sound spanking, after which you will be hung from the ceiling and tickled unmercifully for two hours."

"Lestat, help!"

Lestat slid the remote behind his back. "Um, I seem to have lost the remote, chere."

"Armand, Daniel, please!"

They all held up their hands as if they didn't know.

*wh-pash!* "One!"

"Aah!"

All three vampires smiled and sighed, leaning forward.

*wh-pash!* "Two!"

"Aah!"

Little red welts started to rise on Louis' bottom, which wiggled every time it was smacked.

"Den ko cheesy ah say ho grazdiga who ree a worhoryor!"

Armand looked in horror at David, who was standing at the top of the aisle, reading from his book. "No, David, no! Not now, not--!"

"Bi di whom dala whom dala shay kala ka ma rooshkama!"

There was a sucking sound, and then Louis was in Lestat's lap, still dressed in his corset and swooning from the experience. Lestat laughed and carried him off, muttering something about "spaghetti."

"Sorry we took so long," Marius apologized. "We had some 'business' to take care of in the library."

"Behind the history books," Daniel nodded knowingly.

Meanwhile, Armand stood up and glared at David, a furious glint in his eye. "I have waited for decades to see him even half naked, and then when he is being whipped, you let him out?! I'll rip your head off and feed it to Daniel!"

Daniel glanced at Armand in worry. "What? You're joking, right boss?"

Armand picked up the hairspray and the left-over lighter.

David looked at Marius. "You will stop him, right?"

Marius shrugged. "He is my fledgling."

Daniel laughed. "That means run, Brit Boy!"

"I've waited the whole chronicles for that!" Armand charged at David, who ran away as fast as he could. Marius just plopped down next to Daniel and grabbed the remote.

"Think The Brady Bunch is on?"

The End