Disclaimer: Vamps belong to Anne Rice, not me. I make no money from this.

Spoilers: Queen of the Damned

Background Info: Just a short, choppy spec written at midnight.

"Dammit, Louis, you are over-reacting!"

"Me? You're the one who thinks I'm going out with every mortal I look at!"

"I do not! I know you're seeing Daniel behind my back!"

Louis picked up a vase, holding it up threateningly. "I am not seeing him behind your back! We went to a show, that's all!"

Lestat snarled from the bottom of the staircase. "So you admit you went on a date with him! I am not over-reacting when my lover is cheating on me!" He started up the steps, murder in his eyes.

Backing up uncertainly, Louis stumbled into the bedroom, still holding the vase. When Lestat kept coming, Louis took another step back, unfortunately running into the bed and falling backwards across it. Desperately, he flung the vase at Lestat, who smashed it mid-air. Before Louis could run away, Lestat pounced on him, giving him a harsh slap that turned his cheek red. Louis yelped in pain, then viciously punched Lestat, cracking his hand as he did, but still managing to force the other vampire off and away.

"You cruel bastard!" Louis shrieked, one hand on his face, trying to cool the stinging. "That's it! I'm sick of this fighting! I'm leaving you!"

Unable to handle the rejection, Lestat started to laugh derisively. "Leave me? How? Who else are you going to see?"

"I'm sure one of the coven won't mind--" Louis defended himself, but Lestat interrupted him.

"Every vampire in the coven has a mate or has decided not to have one," he mocked his fledgling. "Besides, you'd hate it if they saw you hunt."

"Then I'll find a mortal," Louis insisted.

"What, I thought you said you could never make another. And would you just take a mortal for a few years and leave him after that? Who the hell could tolerate your antisocial habits?"

"I'll find one," Louis hissed, walking past him furiously. "Even if I have to use a dating service, I will!"

The thought of Louis trying something so silly sent Lestat off on a laughing fit, and he kept going for so long that he didn't notice Louis had left until he was gone. Even so, he wasn't worried. It was the third time that year they had broken up, and they always got back together. Still...

"He'll be back," he said firmly to himself. "I give him a week. Then he'll come crawling back here, begging my forgiveness, and we'll make up."

Two weeks later, with no crawling Louis, Lestat started to get worried.

"I don't understand..." he muttered to himself. "I've checked the libraries, the parks, the concerts, the damn operas...where the hell is he?" He glanced in the mirror, smoothed his hair back unconsciously, and continued to pace. There was a faint track in the carpet that he was still wearing down. Suddenly he stopped. "Oh...no...could...he...could he have actually...no, he would never sink so low...but then..." He dismissed the thought. "Well, so what if he has? Big deal. He'll get tired of them and come back in time." He sat down on a cushioned chair. "But what am I going to do while he's away?" Hook up with another vampire? No, then he'd have to tell them why he was alone, and besides, the rest of the coven was busy doing other things. Go find a mortal? Ugh, no, not again, he was sick of hunting for a brief romantic entanglement before polishing off his meal. But then again...

"If Louis can do it, so can I," he decided, standing up and heading to his study, where he picked up a phone book. "A little dating game can take my mind off of things...and bring me my snacks the easy way."

Across town...

"Yes, I'm looking for a homosexual man. Is that a problem?" Louis asked, almost shyly.

The clerk shook her head with a smile. "Not at all, it's just another criterion we use to find the right match. What else are you looking for? Mind you, we might not find Mr. Right if you have too many conditions."

"I understand. I don't really care what he looks like, I just want him around my age...quiet, interested in reading and foreign films...and I don't want any heavy metal fans. I want him to be polite and demur."

"Okay...let me see...it'll take awhile for the computer to make the match...if you want, we can call you at home tomorrow and let you know?"

"That will be fine, as long as you call after sundown. I work all day, and I only usually get home around nightfall."

"All right, then. We'll call you and set up your date. Bye now!"

As Louis walked out of the shop, the clerk's phone rang. She took a deep breath, then picked it up. "Hello, Cupid's Dating Service. Your match is our job! How can I help you?"

"Hello, my name is Lestat, and I'd like to get a date."

"Just a moment, let me get your information and then we can move on to who you'd like."

After some typing, she finally got to what Lestat was interested in, and he stopped banging his head on the table in impatience. "So, what sort of match are you looking for?"

"I'm looking for a man, I don't really care what his physical features are as long as he's easy on the eyes. He should be energetic, wild, socially outgoing, and absolutely love music."

Her eyes narrowed in confusion, this sounded the total opposite of the last guy, but she typed everything in anyway. "Okay, sir, is there any other criteria?"

"No, that should be good."

"All right, I'll call you later with all the information you'll need for your date!"

The next night...

Louis was starting to go insane. When he'd ordered his idea of the perfect mate, he'd had no idea the guy would be so...boring!

"So once I discovered Wagner's obscure and only partially written concerto, I took it upon myself to complete it," the man across the table said. "After all, I am well versed in classical music, and I was certain I could do it."

Louis nodded faintly. Usually a conversation about the composer could keep him interested, but now, he was so close to sleep that he was surprised it was only midnight.

"Of course, later on I couldn't sell it anywhere, because all the record labels were looking for was that damn heavy metal tripe that was so popular then...blah blah blah...music is true art...blah blah blah..."

Louis was sorely tempted to just reach forward and kill them man right then and there, regardless of how many people would see. Actually, he thought, the only ones here are the waiter and the cook...I could kill him and no one would really notice...

Lestat was so close to incinerating his date in front of the crowd that he had decided he wouldn't mind missing a drink from him anyway. How could someone so energetic and interesting be so self-absorbed! This blonde bimbo was a walking testament to all that was evil about heavy metal. No, not the Satanism, lyrics about suicide and loud wailing that made the suicide talk impossible to make out. This mortal...was a poser.

His date was wearing all black, with clean black boots that obviously had never been worn before, gelled hair and designer cut jeans. Worst of all, he was trying to act macho even though he was wearing a temporary tattoo that was fading and a clip on earring.

Lestat leaned against the wall and watched this moron jump up and down on the sidelines of the mosh pit, too frightened to venture out into the middle of the slamming but still bragging about all the times he'd body surfed.

This is so boring! Lestat thought dismally. I thought he'd be fun at a concert, maybe after, but how could I sleep with such a flaky fake? With a sigh, he looked at the boy and smacked him upside the back of the head just enough to daze him and make him stumble forward. Suddenly the boy was up in the air, riding on the crowd unwillingly, leaving Lestat to just wander away alone.

The next night...

"Oh, I'm so sorry it didn't work out for you," the clerk sighed sympathetically. "But sometimes it doesn't come out right the first time."

"I understand," Louis nodded. "Perhaps this time I should try someone a little more daring, a little more...energetic. Someone who wouldn't mind doing something else besides reading once in awhile..."

"Oh, I'm so sorry it didn't work out for you," she sighed sympathetically. "But sometimes it doesn't come out right the first time."

"No kidding," Lestat muttered over the phone. "This time he needs to be less enthusiastic and more sincere, and definitely a tiny bit sedate. No rockers this time."

And during the night after that...

Dear Lord, Louis silently prayed, I know that I have killed and murdered every night for decades, but certainly I do not deserve this kind of punishment!

The human in front of him, with his twelfth glass of wine in his hand, smiled lazily. "...and I absolutely loved the symbolism in Pearl Jam's Jeremy video, but I mean the uncut, uncensored version. It's almost as good as the Nine Inch Nails one that MTV never plays with all the sections, and usually I stay away from rock, but lately, with all the grunge, it's really feeling existential out there..."

Louis smiled politely, his eyes starting to droop. How long had this jerk been prattling on about sheer nonsense? He hadn't even given Louis a real chance to speak. He was certainly worse that Lestat, much worse. He'd rather be listening to Lestat's latest infatuation with Bone Thugs and Harmony, at least that sounded decent. This, however...

"...and I really think that the old monster movies like Frankenstein and Dracula an' Phantom of the Opera were really better than the books, 'cause like they're all so boring. Even Phantom gets bad once you get to the last part of the book, it's like a total cop out..."

Well, I've killed before and I can kill again, Louis sighed to himself. And at least this time I won't feel so bad about it.

Lestat crossed his arms as he and his date strolled through the park. It was late, the mortal was definitely drunk, and he still showed no signs of finishing his sentence.

"...and once the reader begins to understand the underlying message inherent in all these stories, then romance novels can be shown to be the works of genius that they really are, especially when one considers the subconscious desires in each and every story that are actually reflections of the desires and attractions every person feels for their chosen mate, who isn't necessarily their best mate, who sometimes makes an appearance in the story, although..."

This is like some strange sentence that never ends, he growled to himself. He started off on it at the beginning of this awful date, and somehow it's lasted for four hours! There is no way this bastard is mortal. He must be some trick on me, sent by God as punishment.

He glanced aside at the trees to their left and steered the mortal that way. There was a mugger intent on killing the two of them, and if he let him finish off the date, he could eat the mugger and go home in time to figure out exactly how he should change his specifications for the next date.

The next night...

"No luck yet, huh?" the clerk smiled in a perky, annoying voice. "Don't worry, these things take time."

"I know," Louis said wearily. "I'm just going to try my exact opposite and see what happens. Wild, spontaneous, pretty, he must be pretty, and he must hate symbolism and classical works. I don't want another conversation like the last two again..."

"No luck yet, huh?" the clerk laughed in an annoying voice. "Don't worry, these things often take time."

"Ugh, tell me about it. I don't care what happens next. Just...demure...good looking, he must be absolutely gorgeous...I don't care what he thinks, as long as he's honest...he must not like long conversations..."

As soon as Lestat hung up the phone, she started making the matches. Within seconds, the computer came up with the perfect set up, and she smiled. "How weird...I knew there was something odd about these two when I first heard them...not quite a perfect match but...how cute, maybe this time it'll work!"

Lestat sat in a small booth of a tiny café, a single rose on the table in front of him. His back was to the door, as he didn't want to face whatever brass-winged fury was about to come join him. His heart was no longer in this, and he was just here to go through the motions and get a quick meal in the end.

He heard he door swing open and shut. Slow steps made their way towards his booth, but he didn't look up. Instead he watched the black shirt in his peripheral vision slide around him and sit down right in front of him.

"Hello," came the familiar voice, "my name is--"

"Louis?" Lestat gasped, looking up in shock.

Louis froze, stunned. "L...Lestat? How on earth...?"

"What are the odds?" Lestat whispered, glancing over Louis as if he was not real. With a soft smile, he handed his lover the rose. "Perhaps we really are meant to be?"

Louis stared at the rose for several seconds, then started to chuckle. "I went all this way, just to find you again."

"Is that so bad?" Lestat asked quietly.

"Maybe," Louis said, looking into Lestat's eyes.

"Maybe?"

"It depends. Are you going to hit me again, and say I am seeing other vampires when I am not?"

Lestat looked away. "But...you did go on a date with Daniel," he tried weakly.

"We went to see a political comedy troupe," Louis insisted. "You don't like that sort of thing, but I wanted to go, and so did Daniel. It was no date. We didn't even hold hands."

Lestat slumped in his seat like a scolded child. "So...it wasn't a date?"

Louis shook his head. "No."

"And I got jealous for nothing?"

"Yes."

Lestat sighed explosively. "I'm so stupid sometimes."

"No you aren't," Louis said, putting his hand on Lestat's arm. "I...sometimes...I don't mind that you get jealous."

Lestat tilted his head like a confused puppy. "I don't understand."

"It...I like having a lover who will get jealous, and does think that I'm something he wants to keep. I like being guarded like that. But I don't like being slapped around," he said with more force.

"And I don't like having vases thrown at my head," Lestat snapped back. "I'm not the only one who gets physical in our arguments."

Louis nodded sadly. "I know...I've had a lot of time to think these past nights...I've never been so bored before."

"You, too?" Lestat asked. "I thought I could find the perfect mate if I just copied myself."

"Did you?"

"I found a poser and a windbag. You?"

"The same. Lestat?"

"Yes, chere?"

"It's getting early."

"I know. I didn't think I'd be with my date for tonight very long before I ate him."

"You, too?" Louis asked, and they both laughed. "Lestat, if you don't mind, could I come home with you tonight? I don't want to spend the night alone in my little house."

"You were watching another horror movie before you came, weren't you?" Lestat smiled knowingly.

Louis nodded. "I know I shouldn't, I get so scared..."

"What were you going to do if I hadn't been here, gone home in terror to a dark, lonely house?"

Louis smiled. "Actually, I was thinking of crawling back to your place for just one night. I was afraid I'd stay up and not get any sleep."

Lestat put his hand on Louis' cheek and leaned forward to kiss him. "Hmm, we may not get any sleep anyway. I know a lot more things that a bed is useful for."

"Let's go, then," Louis nodded.

They both got up and started home. Lestat put his arm around Louis' shoulders before the night wind could chill him.

"Damn," he suddenly muttered.

"What's the matter?" Louis asked.

"I haven't fed tonight," Lestat admitted. "I was hoping to make a meal out of my date."

"You still might," Louis said coyly.

"Is that an offer?"

"As long as you don't force it."