Disclaimer: Vamps belong to Anne Rice, not me. I make no money from this.

Spoilers: Queen of the Damned

Setting: It was a dark and stormy night...

Louis: (head pops up from his book) Vampire-sense...tingling! Something's not right here. And I bet I know who's doing it...all right! Where are you?

Author: (innocently) I really have no idea what you're talking about.

Louis: Can't you just go away and leave us alone? Don't you have a life? A boyfriend? Friends at all?

Author: *sniffle sniffle* Now you're just being mean! I just wanted to have a little fun and--and I'm gonna! This is a challenge spec!

Louis: (muttering) A mentally challenged spec.

Author: I heard that!

Louis: If Lestat was here right now, he'd make you take off.

Author: Really? Let's bring him over here, then, shall we?

Louis: What?

Author: (typing) Lestat suddenly appears in the living room.

Lestat: AAAAAAhhhhh! (falls from the ceiling into Louis' lap.) Chere, what just happened?

Louis: The damn author has returned...but that's all right, you're here now (starts to cuddle, then pulls back furiously) Lestat, why do you smell like Calvin Klein's Obsession?

Lestat: (nervous laugh) Hahaha...ahhh...Obsession?...Louis, you're imagining things!

Louis: I knew it! I knew it! You've been cheating on me! Again!

Lestat: Now, chere, settle down. You're over-reacting.

Louis: I am not! How dare you see someone behind my back? You promised not to!

Author: Oh, perfect! One more thing and we'll be all set to go! Let them be animated!

Brilliant flash of light, things start to turn different colors, and all of a sudden, everything looks like a Japanese anime! Louis and Lestat look down at their bodies in shocked amazement. Small details have been erased, their skin looks almost blue, and their hair is shinier without a strand out of place.

Lestat: Louis! Your eyes are huge!

Louis: Yours are taking up half your face!

Author: Yes, yes, come on, go back to your argument! Louis, want a hammer to slam Lestat with?

Louis: (nods excitedly) Yes!

Author: Reach behind your back and pull it out.

Louis: What? That doesn't make any sense.

Author: I know, but the ordinary laws of physics don't apply here.

Louis: (reaches behind himself and suddenly comes back with a mallet as big as he is) Wow, it worked!

Lestat: (startled) Where'd you get that?

Author: Go get 'em, Louis!

Louis: You rotten two-timer! (sings) If I had a hammer, I'd hammer Lestat!

Louis chases Lestat through the house, swinging his mallet like crazy.

Louis: I'd hammer in the evening!

Lestat jumps over the sofa seconds before it is crushed, leaps across the floor before Louis smashes a gigantic hole in it, and dives behind the coffee table just as it bursts into splinters. He tries to run, but he is cornered, and he backs up against the wall.

Lestat: Now Louis, let's not get carried away...let's talk this over...let's give peace a chance...just control yourself!

Louis: Oooh, right now I'm controlling this mallet!

He pulls back, Lestat has time to scream, and then Louis rams the business end of his hammer into Lestat's face, smashing him against the wall. When he steps back, Lestat's face is spread in a circular shape in the dent in the wall. Lestat stumbles forward and shakes his head back into its regular shape. Suddenly his head bursts into flames!

Lestat: (enraged) That's it, Louis, you've asked for it now!

Louis: (mesmerized) Pretty fire...

Lestat: Fire? Where? (Looks in the mirror) Eek! Put me out, put me out!

Louis: Hang on, love!

Louis goes wham-happy on Lestat, nailing him over and over with the hammer until Lestat is just a flickering heap on the floor.

Lestat: *groan*...*congeal*...medic!

Author: Easily supplied. Who should I grab?

From all the corners of the world, every vampire shrieks in terror.

Author: I choose you, Armand!

Armand falls out of the ceiling and lands on top of Louis, who cushions his fall nicely. Armand stands up and looks over himself. He looks much younger now than usual, with his perky auburn hair bouncing around his face.

Armand: Perky? I'm perky?!

Author: We need a medic! Sha-boom!

Armand's clothes disappear, only to be replaced by a Nurse Joy outfit.

Author: I knew I could sneak in a few Pokemon references in here!

Armand: No no no! Why does everyone always put me in a skirt?!

Author: Awww, but you look so cute!

Lestat: Please...I'm not that bad off...I'm getting better...

Armand: (grins sadistically) You need an injection, bratty boy.

Armand whips out a hypodermic almost as big as he is, with a needle that would make a pin cushion shriek in fear.

Lestat: Will you two quit pulling things out of your butts! It's scary!

Armand: (screams heroically) Ridiculously Huge Hypodermic Attack! (sticks Lestat)

Lestat abruptly vanishes as he launches into the atmosphere, leaving a trail of smoke behind.

Author: Well, now what do we do?

Armand: How about a sex scene between me and Louis?

Louis: Argh! I knew this was just a ploy to make me have sex with another vampire!

Author: What the hell! You catch him, you keep him, Armand!

Armand: Woo hoo!

Armand throws the needle away and takes off after Louis, who makes a break for the stairs. Armand, despite his shorter legs, catches up somehow and tackles Louis, grabbing his arms and twisting them behind his back.

Louis: Ow ow ow! Mercy, mercy!

Armand: March, Creole!

Armand drags Louis up the stairs to the bedroom, where he throws him on the bed and locks the door, swallowing the key.

Armand: Man, I love this physics free cartoon!

Louis: No, don't you dare do anything! Don't you dare tie me up with the silk ropes in nightstand!

Armand, taking the hint, runs to the nightstand and takes the rope, then jumps on the bed and straddles Louis' waist. He seizes the thin wrists and binds them together so that tight that Louis winces, wrapping the rope around each wrist, criss-crossing it to form an unbreakable knot, then pushes Louis' hands above his head and straps them to the headboard so that Louis is left helpless.

Author: Yes, we're going straight to yaoi here!

Armand unceremoniously tears off his clothes, letting them drop to the floor. Louis squirms, and it's hard to tell if he's serious or trying to seduce Armand even further.

Louis: You brute! You better not use the gag under the pillow on me!

Armand: (reaches under the pillow and, to his surprise, finds a perfect gag) Louis, I'm really starting to wonder about your sex life with Lestat. (gags Louis, then starts to shred his own clothes)

Without warning, Lestat re-enters the atmosphere and lands on Armand, and the bed with all of them on it falls down to the next floor.

All: Ow...groan...

Author: Oh, I can do better than this...let's see, red rover, red rover, let Danny come over!

The closet door shakes and trembles, then bursts open and Daniel falls out, bound hand and foot, gagged and blindfolded.

Author: What the...?

Armand: Hey, I was saving him for later!

Lestat: Well, why let him go to waste? (grabs Daniel, who has no idea what's going on, and tosses him on the bed next to Louis) You and me Armand, whoever wins gets both of them!

Armand: You're on!

Lestat pulls a bazooka from behind his back.

Lestat: Three can play at this game! (fires repeatedly at Armand, who runs, dodges and jumps out of harms way)

Author: How about a few more targets? Eeny meeny minee moe, Benji and Marius join the show!

Marius and Benji appear, the elder dressed in black laytex and Benji gasping for breath in his clutches.

Lestat: Ack! My eyes have been burned out!

Bazooka rounds start going off randomly, narrowly missing the bondage prizes and the Roman, instead nailing the little pest in his hands. Benji goes splat in a scene right out of Akira, putting him out of his misery.

Armand: Oh my God! He killed Benji! (gigantic spurts of water shoot from his eyes, flooding the living room in tears)

Marius: You bastard! (sparkly tears fall from his eyes)

Lestat: You're a sick nut! Eww! Majorly skeeved out here! I've hit ten thousand on the gross-out-o-meter!

Marius pulls out a big mallet from thin air.

Lestat: Eek! I'm sure that one came out of his butt!

Marius: Marius Celestial Fire-Mallet...Ignite!

His mallet starts to burn red hot.

Armand: Marius, no, you might hit Danny!

Marius: (mouth opens ridiculously huge so we can see his molars) I'm going to kill Lestat!

Armand: (a single drop of sweat appears on his head) It looks like I have no choice. (throws his hand up into the air) Armand...star...power!

Time freezes as Armand slowly transforms. First his nails are done in sparkly red, then ribbons of light swirl around his spinning body to form thigh-high boots, a red miniskirt, a short top and white gloves. His hair flows lovingly around his pretty face, and he stops suddenly to strike a pose, standing with his legs spread and his hands forming claws as two Mars symbols connect behind him.

Marius: (stops dead in his tracks) Ohhh...pretty...

Author: Yes, and a Sailor Moon reference! I am so good!

Armand: How dare you get angry when that pitiful little runt is destroyed? In the name of twin Mars, I shall punish you!

Marius: Awright!

Author: And let's bring in a female perspective! Oh, Jessica!

Jessica appears immediately in a skimpy costume that allows her ample bosom to flop about.

Jessica: Eek! Damn it, it's cold in here! Gimme that afghan! (throws a cover around herself)

Lestat: What are you doing here! You must be here to try to act out that damn movie script. I won't let you. (throws hand into the air) Lestat...Rockstar...Power!

Time freezes once again as Lestat transforms. His nails are done in a sparkly blue, and he is dressed in an even shorter miniskirt that show off his ruffly blue panties, then boots, a barely-there top and white gloves that glitter. A stiff breeze catches his hair, blowing it around his face, and he strikes a pose, hands fluffing his hair back as he bends back a bit. The two Mars symbols come together and spin around behind him.

Lestat: Scripts should follow the book! How dare you ruin the hopes of every fan with your evil schemes? In the name of the twin Mars, I shall punish you!

Jessie: Goodie!

Maharet (appears without the Author's consent): Oh, no you don't! Jessica, get back to the convent on the other side of the world! Maharet...Vice-Queen...Power!

Time freeze...Maharet transforms...nails in sparkly red, dressed in tiny miniskirt, high heels and white gloves...poses with her hands on her hips like Supergirl as the two Mars symbols...um...come together behind her and do...backflips! Yeah, backflips!

Author: How dare you enter my spec without my permission! (types angrily) Maharet spontaneously explodes!

Maharet: *kaboom!*

Meanwhile, Armand grabs his magic wand (!) and aims it at Marius.

Armand: Armando Mask the Smoking Bomber!

Everyone: What?

Author: Sailor Moon reference, don't worry, it makes very little sense in the comic, too.

A barrage of thorny roses streams out of his wand, slamming into Marius and blasting him through the walls out onto the street. Jessica is caught in the blast and spirals out with him.

Armand: That's for leaving me for four hundred years! Jerk!

Lestat: An Opening!

Author: And a Ranma 1/2 reference that only hardcore readers would catch!

Lestat fires at Armand with a round from his bazooka! Armand, weakened by his burst of energy, grabs a Clow card and activates it!

Armand: Shield card!

Author: And a Card Captor Sakura reference! Yippee!

Armand's magic is too weak, though, and the shield fails, allowing the blast to throw him against the wall. He faints in a pretty crumple to the floor. Lestat dashes down and scoops him up, tossing him on the bed with Danny and Louis. Armand's body is stretched out and he is tied spread-eagled to the bed posts.

Lestat: Well, I think it's time we got some privacy again! B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b...that's all, folks!

Author: Only one American cartoon reference. *sigh* Next time, I'll get Louis into an explicit sex scene.

Fade to black as the moaning starts. Credits start to roll.

Cast...In order of appearance

Louis...Louis de Pointe du Lac

Author...Sex Starved Virgin Kitty-Cat

Lestat...Lestat de Lioncourt

Armand...Armand (no last name given)

Daniel...Daniel Molloy

Marius...Marius Romanov

Jessie...Jessica Reeves

Maharet...Bossy Egyptian Broad

Pokemon belongs to Nintendo, apparently

Sailor Moon belongs to Naoko Takeuchi

Ranma 1/2 belongs to Rumiko someone, not me

Card Captor Sakura belongs to someone else, I don't know who

Ditto for Akira

Vampires belong to Anne Rice

No vampires were injured in the making of this spec, except for Benji, Maharet, Marius and Jessica. The other vampires are having mind-blowing sex right now. And I'm not invited. Wah!

The End