Blasphemy

Disclaimer: I don't own the vampires, Anne Rice does. I didn't write the Bible, and I'm probably gonna get a lightning bolt for this. When I'm burning in hell, remember, I did it for you.

Warning: Offensive religious material.

Spoilers: All Chronicles.

In the beginning, there was nothing.

And then there was Lestat.

And he looked around himself, and saw that things were crappy.

And verily he said, "lo, things are crappy."

And so he made himself a technicolor wolf coat, and left his sinful father, exchanging him for a sinful lover.

And they did dance and make merry on the stage, but they were not merry in their hearts.

Yea, tho' they were merry in their bed.

And there was a dead one who felt a love for the one in the wolf coat

And he took him, and brought him to the Tower,

And there he did turn him from the light.

And then he bade Lestat to burn him, and he did.

And Lestat looked around himself, and saw that he was lucky.

And verily, he said, "lo, I'm fucking lucky!"

And he turned his sinful lover from the light, but he went mad.

Lo, he left him with an imp, and made for Marius.

And he met with Marius, and Those Who Must Be Kept.

And he did a foolish thing, which he would regret later.

And on the seventh day, he left for the Promised Land.

And there he found an angel with green eyes,

And thus he fell in love.

And he said, "lo, I feel like Creole tonight, like Creole tonight!"

And verily, he had Creole that night, and many nights to pass.

And thus, not learning his lesson, he turned him from the light.

And Louis looked around himself, and saw that he was damned.

And verily, he said, "lo, I am screwed!"

And Lestat replied, "lo, thou art right!"

And they were merry in bed,

Though, blessed be, the goddess did not write that scene.

And the fanfic writers said "darn!"

And in time, the vampires grew apart.

And many bad things happened.

The fledgling drank from a child, Lestat turned the child from the light,

And the child rebelled against the maker.

And Lestat was perforated a multitude of times.

And he was dumped in the swamp.

And when he arose three nights later, he saw that his fledglings were off to their doom.

And thus he tried to save his Creole, but he failed him instead.

And verily, he said, "lo, I'm a failure."

And Louis replied, "lo, thou art a prick!"

And when the killing was over, Louis was gone.

And Lestat went to ground, and arose a star in spandex.

And he made merry on the stage.

And his followers rescued him from the fight, for he was very foolish once more.

And his followers said, "lo, verily thou art an idiot!"

And they discovered he'd awakened the whore of Babel,

And they quickly killed the bitch.

And Lestat, ever the fool, became mortal a'while.

And Louis said, "yea, thou art wise."

And Lestat knew then he was in deep shit.

And David had to help him, and lo, the mortal gained much in the bargain.

But later, he discovered the price, to be immortal against his will.

And David looked around himself, and saw that he was immortal.

And he said, "lo, screw you, Aaron Lightner!"

And Lestat then met the devil, after a long boring conversation,

And lo, the fans were angry, save for a patient few,

And Lestat was wrapped in chains, the only good part of the book.

And Pandora told her story, yea, and it were good.

And Armand gave his story, and the whipping was good,

And two new ones were created, and the fans gagged, save for a patient few.

And fanfiction is forbidden, as is sodomy,

And we know how well we adhere to that tenent on the moonscrolls.

And verily, there was much laughter.

And the vampire chronicles will continue.

The End