Disclaimer: Vamps belong to Anne Rice, not me. I make no money from this.

Spoilers: Queen of the Damned

1. Everyone, stop hiding the matches from me! Come on, I only lit a house on fire once...and a theater...and my maker...

2. Stop hiding the scythes, too! I need them for the lawn, honest!

3. Why does everybody say I have no dress sense? And I do not wear lingerie! I don't know who started that rumor but I don't. The lace scratches my skin.

4. No, I haven't read War and Peace a thousand times! I'm only up to three hundred and twenty seven times.

5. I don't care what Lestat says, we're both vanilla, so Armand and Daniel, stop sending us sex toys! And Lestat, I need to talk to you.

6. And I am not computer illiterate, either. Lestat made that up. So what if I once used the CD-Rom as a cup holder? It was an honest mistake.

7. And let me clear this up. I do not hate Mojo, and he does not hate me. We get along fine. In fact, I love that miserable, flea-bitten, mangy mutt.

8. Let me clear this up, too. I am not jealous of David. We get along fine. In fact, I love that pompous, grand-standing, thinks-he-knows-everything-about-us Talamascan wannabe.

9. Yes, I know about voodoo, I had to when I owned my plantation, but no, I am not a sorcerer. David, stop asking me for love spells!

10. Speaking of David...Stop telling everybody our secrets! If you don't, your gas oven might have an accident, capishe?

11. And to whoever keeps sending me chain letters, the moment I find you I'm going to pound you into the ground! I'm out forty dollars in stamps already!

12. Lestat, stop drawing clown faces on me when I'm still asleep! The last time I woke up, I didn't check the mirror and I went around all night like that. To the opera, no less.

13. Armand, if you do not stop writing these sordid stories about me on those ridiculous fanfiction boards, I will tell them about the night with you, the trout, the Superman underwear, and the shaving cream. Don't think I won't.

14. One last thing--whoever put my name on the John Tesh mailing list is going to pay severely.