++++
"Harper?" Rommie asked. "You wanted to see me?"
Harper spun on his stool in his favorite machine shop to see Dylan and Rommie standing behind him, and whatever train of thought he'd had instantly derailed itself, leaving shock waves on his face. "Uh, well ..... "
Dylan prompted Harper by arching his eyebrows; Rommie just stared at him.
"Well .... " Harper's eyes flicked to Dylan. "It is kinda personal .... "
"How 'personal'?" Dylan said. "I mean, I don't want to pry, but on the other hand, she is my ship, so anything that could effect the safety of her and my crew should be --- "
"No, it's nothing like that." Harper swiveled back and forth on the stool, seemingly at war with himself. "Ah, it does kinda effect you, Dylan. What I want to know is, uh, have, uh .... "
Now Dylan and Rommie prompted Harper with their eyebrows.
"Uhhhmmmm ... " Harper said. "What I need to know, is, uh, have you and Rommie .... uh, dunnit?"
"Done what?" Dylan asked.
"You know, Boss, *it.*"
"No, I don't know."
"I believe Harper is asking if we've copulated, Dylan." Rommie sounded as if she were describing a sensor reading. Harper pointed at her and nodded.
"Ah, that *it,*" Dylan said, a little embarrassed. "We haven't. And we have an understanding that an intimate relationship would be a bad idea. Why?" Dylan was almost afraid of where this was going. Harper's crush on Andromeda was a blessing in that it motivated him to keep the giant High Guard cruiser in good condition, but Dylan had been around the block enough to know it had 'potential disaster' written all over it, especially as Rommie was either unaware of, or unwilling to return, Harper's affection. And he couldn't shake the feeling the disaster was about to break upon them.
He was in for a shock.
"No reason," Harper said quickly. He hopped off his stool and snagged his tool belt. "This is just me being an idiot," he said, heading for the door. "See Harper ask a stupid pointless question. Now see Harper go get some work done like he should -- "
"See. Harper. Halt," Dylan intoned; Harper stopped in his tracks. "Now, Mr. Harper. I think after being my engineer for more than three years, you should know my policy on interpersonal relationships among my crew -- or in this case, between the crew and my ship -- is pretty laissez-faire. As long as the safety of this vehicle and her company aren't threatened, directly or indirectly, by said ship's company, it's none of my business, and I will gladly stay out of it. However, you did just ask me and Andromeda a very personal question, you will not leave this room until you have explained yourself to my satisfaction. Understood?"
"But Boss -- "
"Under-Stood?"
Harper sagged, then went back to the counter he'd been sitting at and pulled a small box from one of the drawers. "I got this a while ago," he said, his voice almost an octave higher than normal. "It's an improved version of Rommie's ... thing."
"What 'thing'?" Dylan asked.
"You know, Boss, her *thing.*"
"I believe Harper's referring to my sex organs," Rommie said, again all business, taking the box from Harper, opening it, and examining the plastic-wrapped contents with her more-than-human senses. "Yes, this is most definitely an improvement over my current model." She put the .... thing .... back in its box, closed it and held it to her.
"And this is all about giving Rommie an .... 'upgrade'?" Dylan asked.
"Yeah, Boss."
Dylan scratched the back of his neck. Not exactly what he'd thought this would be about, but at least he was thankful Beka wouldn't be back from Sinti until the next morning; he couldn't handle her sarcasm at this moment. "Well, AHEM, uh, well, Mr. Harper, if that's what this is all about, then I don't see the problem. It's between you and Rommie, and if she wants the new .... unit .... installed, I have no ob -- "
"It's not that simple, Boss."
"It's not?"
"No."
"Do I want to know why?"
"Uh, yeah, you should."
"Ooohhhh-kaaaaayyyy."
"See, Boss," Harper explained, "your Pleasuretronics 69000 Alpha Stroke Niner subsystem is a pretty expensive piece of hardware, and on our budget, I couldn't just buy it -- "
"YOU DIDN'T STEAL IT, DID YOU!?" Dylan blurted.
"No," Harper said. "I agreed to beta test it."
"'Test'?" Dylan managed. "You mean, you .... or someone .... has to have sex with Rommie?"
"Yeah. Twice."
"Twice!?"
Harper nodded. "Once with the old unit and once with the new. And answer these questions comparing them." He passed Dylan a flexie.
Dylan read the flexie, part of his mind digesting it while another part took this to confirm its sneaking suspicion that yes, the *Andromeda Ascendant* had become a flying insane asylum on that fateful day three years ago. Then both parts of his mind decided to address the matter at hand. Dylan looked up with a lopsided smile. "Well, Mr. Harper, then this could be your lucky day, that is if Rommie agrees."
Rommie sighed. "Yes, I guess it is," she said in a bored voice. "Take me you stud."
"No, Dylan .... " Harper said. "It's *your* lucky day."
"MINE!?"
"See, Boss, when I signed the agreement, I had to say who or what owned Rommie, and technically, she's property of the High Guard, being a warship's avatar and all .... "
"Why do I not like where this is going?"
".... and as such, only a fully commissioned officer serving aboard the host vehicle at the time the avatar was first activated is eligible for using the hardware in question. That means you."
"Me!?" Dylan's brain was having a little trouble wrapping itself around this one.
"You," Harper said. Rommie gave a little frown and, still clutching the box, turned and stared at Dylan.
"I have to have sex with Rommie?" Dylan stammered.
"Yeah," Harper said.
"TWICE!?"
"Uh-huh."
"And then answer all these freakin' questions?"
"Yup."
"Just so you can have the most up-to-date-love doll -- no offense, Rommie -- on the same ship with you, even is she's unavailable?"
"That's about the size of it."
"Well you can just forget it! Harper, I suggest you get to that work you mentioned, and never bring this up again. With me, Rommie."
Dylan turned to leave, but Rommie didn't budge. She stayed put, clutching the box, and staring at Dylan.
"Rommie, what .... ?" Dylan started. "Wait a minute, you can't possibly ...... ?"
"I should be as up-to-date as possible, Dylan -- "
"NO. Forget it. I'm not taking part in this."
Rommie kept staring at Dylan.
"No," Dylan said. "It's inappropriate and disrespectful to you as a person. And it makes light of sex and intimacy, which are very important parts of a human being's life and shouldn't be trifled with. So, I'm sorry, but the answer is 'No,' and that's final."
Rommie kept staring at Dylan.
"I did say 'No,' right?"
Rommie kept staring at Dylan.
"Uh, Mr. Harper ..... "
"Yeah, Boss?"
"You've worked with my ship's AI for some time now, and you've had to ... fill work orders and do other things that she's required, yes?"
"You could say that, Boss."
"Is there any way out of this?"
"Well, let's see. Is the universe going to end in the next five minutes?"
"Not as far as I know, no."
"No."
"You sure?"
"Yup."
Dylan sighed and looked down at the flexie. "Well, I suppose .... we may be the laughingstock of the fleet, but .... When's this due, anyway?"
"I have to get my answer into the courier network tomorrow, Boss."
"TOMORROW!?"
"Well, we been kinda busy lately -- "
"NO! Forget it. There's no way .... I'M NOT A YOUNG MAN ANYMORE, MR. HARPER! There's no way -- Rommie, I'm sorry, but I can't do it. It's not possible!"
Rommie's eyes shifted to the floor for a moment, then her face lit up as she turned back to Dylan. "No, there is a way."
"Wha -- ?"
"Dylan, meet us in the briefing room in two hours." Rommie turned and began a discussion with Harper.
"What .... ?" But Dylan could see neither his ship's avatar
nor his engineer were paying attention to him, so he left.
****
Dylan kept himself busy in the briefing room by catching up on some paperwork until Tyr wandered in; hoping for a sympathetic ear, Dylan recounted his discussion over Rommie's ..... upgrade ..... with Rommie and Harper.
Tyr fell into a chair and laughed his head off.
"Oh my ... " the Nietzschean said when he could speak again. "I must admit, this crew can be nothing if not diverting."
"Y'know, Tyr, when I think of all the reason you've stayed aboard my ship, it never occurred to me that you were doing it for your own amusement."
"Well, Dylan, if you were fully cognizant of the life a mercenary leads in this day and age -- "
Before Tyr could go on, the hatch clanged open and Harper walked in followed by .... two Rommies!? The only thing to convince Dylan he wasn't seeing double (although he supposed insanity might be welcome at this juncture) was the androids' hair: One had the black hair with red highlights he was used to, while the other had *red* hair with *black* tips, almost a photonegative of her "sister."
"Allow me to introduce the lovely and talented Andromeda sisters!" Harper announced. "You already know Rommie .... "
The Rommie with mostly black hair smiled and nodded to her captain.
" ..... and this is her just as lovely newly minted baby twin sister, Annie," Harper finished.
"Pleased to meet you, Captain," the android with mostly red hair said.
"Rommie has been fitted with the new unit, as discussed, and Annie has the original version, allowing for a side-by-side comparison any male -- excepting maybe you, Tyr -- should go for. So what do you say, Boss? Boss?"
Dylan kept his hand over his face for a few more seconds, then looked at his engineer and the two androids.
Annie and Rommie stared back at Dylan, expectantly.
"Someone in this room either is committed or should be committed," Dylan said, "and I'll leave who it should be for another time. Mr. Harper. You're SURE that nothing short of armageddon will dissuade, uh, Andromedas?"
"No, Boss. But what's the problem?"
"We'll discuss your virginity another time, Harper." Dylan sighed. "All right, ladies, if you meet me at my quarters in an hour -- "
Annie and Rommie were already jogging out the door.
" ..... I'll see what I can .... Mr. Harper, don't you have work to do?"
Harper left. Quickly.
"Care to share the joke, Mr. Anasazi?"
Tyr kept his hand over his face, but he couldn't stifle
his giggles.
*****
An hour later, Dylan had returned to his quarters and changed into a robe and a pair of sweat pants, but there was no sign of the Andromedas. Fifteen minutes later, he stepped out into the corridor. Still no Andromedas. Harper happened by a few minutes later, but no Andromedas. Dylan and Harper had a wicked game of phantom basketball going when Tyr showed up, but still no Andromedas. They amused themselves by trading war stories.
" .... not surprisingly, my former employer's estate gladly paid me the balance of my fee," Tyr said, deadpan, while Dylan smiled and Harper laughed himself silly.
"Even though all the evidence said it was an 'unfortunate accident,'" Dylan said.
"Of course. Perhaps they were feeling generous."
"Oh man .... " Harper managed. "I ain't never stiffin' you for a bill! Ok, Dylan, your turn."
"Let's see ..... "
"Sorry to keep you waiting," a familiar voice said in stereo. The three men turned to see Annie and Rommie coming down the corridor. They both wore oversized t-shirts (emblazoned with the High Guard insignia, of course) and flip flops (strictly regulation); Rommie was carrying a teddy bear, and Annie had a small backpack on.
"We couldn't decide what to wear," Rommie said, "so we finally threw this stuff on."
"We hope it looks ok," Annie said.
"It looks ... fine," Dylan said. "What's in the backpack?"
"Things," Rommie said, going past Dylan into his quarters.
"We think you'll like them." Annie snagged Dylan's wrist as she walked by him and yanked him after her, into his quarters; the door clanged shut.
Tyr chuckled for a moment, then turned to Harper. "Well, Professor, I guess now it is your turn to -- "
"Actually, I gots a lot of work to do." Harper didn't
wait for a response before diving into the nearest conduit.
****
Harper spent the next ninety minutes going from repair job to repair job in the conduits, hoping it would stifle the pain in his gut, but it didn't. He finally flopped against a wall and sat there, thinking.
'It's not as if you didn't see this coming,' he told himself. 'She's been making moonie eyes at him since you brought her online; what has she ever given you?' But it didn't help. In truth, he'd always managed to keep himself in denial, to ignore the possibility of Dylan and Rommie getting together, while holding out some hope for himself.
That hope had finally been dashed forever. He wasn't quite sure what to do about it.
"Mr. Harper?" Dylan's voice crackled over the com.
"Yeah, Boss?" Harper screwed on a smile and hoped he sounded as cheerful as possible.
"Well, done, Son, the new unit works quite well." The *Andromeda's* captain sounded drained. "I've filled out the questionnaire, and you can mail it in the morning."
"Fine. Thanks."
"Just one thing, if you don't mind."
"Shoot."
"Would you happen to know where ..... they .... got the handcuffs? They're not High Guard issue."
"Handcuffs!?" Harper hadn't expected anything like this.
"Oh .... never mind. I won't ask about the candles and the red dildo, then. Good night, Mr. Harper."
"Uh ... 'night, Boss .... Handcuffs?"
"Harper?" Andromeda's holographic form appeared in the conduit. "I just want to say .... I'm very sorry I hurt you. As annoying as you can be, that has never been my intention. You still mean a lot to me -- to all of me -- and -- " She broke off, eyes searching as she digested new data, then turned back to her engineer. "Harper? Were you planning on having a shower after you'd finished? I can set that up for you if you want."
Harper felt he saw through Andromeda figuratively as well as literally: After ripping his heart out, she wanted to still 'be friends' and was trying to make nice. If it had been anyone else, he would have told her to stick her shower where the stars didn't shine.
But this was Andromeda.
"Gee, Rom Doll, thanks," Harper said, forcing a smile.
"That's great of you. And don't worry, Rommie ... you still mean a lot
to me, too."
****
Harper completed some more repairs before wandering back to his living space in the Slipstream Core. True to her word, the shower was already going, steam filling the bathing area. Harper shambled out of his clothes and examined his weary face in the mirror before turning to the shower stall. He opened the door and --
"It's about time you got here," the naked android with red hair and black highlights said. "I was beginning to think I would have to send out a searching party."
"ANNIE -- !?"
Before Harper could say anything, Annie pulled him into the stall, slammed the door, pushed him against the wall, and took his breath away with the hottest kiss he'd had in his life!
"Wow," Harper managed when she let him up for air. "But what are you .... I mean, I thought .... "
"I'd be with Dylan and Rommie?"
"Yeah."
"We ... I thought about it, but Dylan is actually kind of old-fashioned, a 'one-woman-man.' And we really do care a lot for you, and we've always known what you feel for us." She drew a little closer and smiled warmly. "This solves everything: Dylan can have Rommie, and you will have me. Forever and ever." She pressed against him.
"Wow, gee, forever and all that?" The surprise wearing
off, Harper began to realize what was being offered him. "That's great,
Annie-Baby, than --- EEEYOOOWWWCH!!!! Don't bite so hard -- !!"
****
Beka Valentine felt glad to be back on the *Andromeda.* Although she would never admit it, the High Guard ship had become as much a home to her as her own ship, the *Eureka Maru,* was. But as she and Trance came down the corridor near the officer's mess, she also felt puzzled. "Where the heck is everyone?" she said. "It's not like Dylan not to meet me when we get back."
"I know -- " the gold-skinned alien started, then broke off as Tyr left the mess and came towards them with an odd smile on his face.
Beka disliked that smile at once. "TYR! Please tell me Dylan is still aboard and in good health, or you are in serious trouble."
"In can confirm Dylan is aboard," Tyr said, sounding amused, "though as to his condition -- "
Then the mess hatch clanged open and Dylan and Harper came down the corridor followed by .... two android Rommies!? One with black hair and red highlights, the other a redhead with black highlights.
"-- necessary to program .... them .... with the contents of fifty-seven sex manuals?" Dylan was saying, sounding annoyed and tired all at once. "Am I her lover or her -- ?"
"Uh, hi ..... " Beka said.
"Oh, Beka, welcome back," Dylan said. "Everything go ok?"
"Yeah .... fine," Beka said. "I guess things were .... interesting .... here?"
"You don't ever want to know."
"Yeah ..... Y'know, you and Harper look done in. Why not take it easy while I stand a watch?"
"Back to bed?" the Rommies chorused. "Hmm, *there's* an idea."
"No," Dylan said, "we have *work* to do .... "
"Yeah," Harper said as the odd foursome set off. "Serious stuff.... "
".... can't lollygag about .... "
" ... no rest for the wicked .... "
When Dylan, Harper, and the two aspects of Andromeda had finally gone around the far corner, the men loudly proclaiming the virtues of a chaste adherence to duty, Beka turned back to the amused Nietzschean, not feeling amused herself.
"Abahdahbah ... " She said. "You know what? I'll be in the *Maru.* With the doors locked. And unless the universe is ending? You don't know where I am. Ok? Ok. 'Bye." She ran for it.
"Beka!" Trance said, taking off after the blonde freighter captain. "Wait for me."
Tyr returned to the mess, got a glass of orange juice from the autochef, took a seat, put his feet up .....
.... and laughed himself silly.
THE END