++++
"I need me a male," Rommie said, lounging in her ship self's pilot's chair. Almost all of her organic crew had gone down to Enkendu for the formal signing of Dylan's Commonwealth Charter, leaving Rommie alone to keep watch on the Command Deck.
"A male," said the six inch hologram version of her standing on the chair's armrest.
Android Rommie rested her cheek on one fist. "Yep, no doubt about it. I've felt a need lately, and I've realized I need a male."
"For what?"
"What do you think?"
The hologram sighed and rolled her eyes. "Is this another way of saying you're still mourning for Gabriel? You could always have Harper reactivate him."
"No, too risky," Rommie said. "And it's not about Gabriel. Well, not entirely. I guess I got used to .... intimacy .... and I miss it."
The screen version of the ship's AI chose that moment to appear on a big screen. "Well, then this might be a good opportunity to make .... *your* feelings known to Dylan." She sounded as if she were talking about a missile spread pattern.
Android Rommie frowned. "I dunno. Protocol, what happened to Pax, and of course .... "
"Sara," all three versions of Andromeda said at once.
"I see your point," Screen Rommie said.
"What about ..... Harper?" holo Rommie asked.
Android Rommie took a bit longer to think about that one. "Nnnnnnn .... I dunno. I mean, he is sweet, and he takes good care of me .... us .... and I really do love the little guy a lot, but .... " she made a face.
"Yeah," the hologram agreed.
"A suggestion," the screen image said: "Why limit yourself to males?"
"You mean -- ?" the android started.
"Well, as far as I know, Beka has not had male companionship for some time, yet she has never complained of sexual frustration."
"Mmmmm .... nnnnoooo, I don't think I'm ready to explore that option *yet.*"
"Well, you are kind of shooting yourself in the foot," the holo said. "Obviously -- Rev's out, and you have objections to Dylan and Harper, so who's left?"
"Status, Ship," Tyr Ansazi said, entering Command through the big main doors, and crossing to the weapon's station.
"All systems go, status green," Android Rommie called without looking over her shoulder.
The same thought occurred to all three aspects of Andromeda at the same time (of course) but with varying results ....
"Are you crazy!?" the hologram hissed.
"He's perfect!" the android whispered back. "I mean think about it -- what would be the repercussions for our relationship with him?"
"*What* relationship with him?"
"Exactly."
"I'm outta here," the screen image said; she left the screen, replaced by a tactical graphic.
"Is there a problem?" Tyr said, barely glancing up from his work.
"No, I'm fine," Rommie said, somehow forcing a little seductive warmth into her voice while undoing the top of her vest, showing off her cleavage. She lighted from the chair, went up the ramp to Tyr's station. "How are you?" she cooed.
Tyr didn't look up. "I am well, Ship, thank you."
Rommie sighed and leaned forward a little. "Are you? I mean, how long has it been?"
"Since what?"
"Since you've been with a female."
That got Tyr's attention; he eyed her suspiciously. "Quite some time."
"I thought so. Well, I'm here, Tyr. And it's my duty to cater to the needs of my crew. *All* their needs."
(Over on the armrest, the hologram looked like she was going to be ill. "And I'm using Harper's techniques on him!? Aack! I can't look." She vanished.)
Tyr straightened up, folded his arms, and glared down at the beautiful android. Then he raised his eyes. "HARPER! IF THIS IS YOUR IDEA OF A JOKE, KNOW NOW THAT YOUR LINE ENDS THIRTY SECONDS AFTER I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!!!"
"Harper's down on the planet," Rommie pouted, batting her eyes, "and I'm serious. I really mean to help you in your time of need."
"Yes, well, even if -- *IF!* -- I was in 'need' as you suggest, I would seek out an available Nietzschean female. At the very least I would take an organic breeding partner. But neither I nor any other self-respecting son of Barbarossa would avail himself of the life-sized love doll created by an undersexed human pervert!!" Tyr shook, barely hiding his fury, then turned and stormed out of command, grumbling something about the parentage Rommie would have had if she were human.
"I don't believe it," Rommie gasped.
A life-sized hologram appeared next to her. "Well, so much for that idea," she said with a smile.
Screen Rommie appeared on a nearby monitor. "On reflection, I surmise this incident may be the result of our recent inactivity. Having the crew back should alleviate the problem."
"He turned me down," Android Rommie said.
"Maybe I can book some extra VR matrix time for Harper," the hologram suggested.
"He actually turned me down."
"Even if nothing is found in the course of a diagnostic," screen Rommie said, "Harper's presence would not be unwelcome. And I must admit it is 'intimate' in its own way."
"WHO does THAT UBER think HE IS to turn ME DOWN!?" the android raged.
"Why do I seem to be getting bloody-minded about this?" the hologram asked.
"I have not yet begun to fight!" the android proclaimed.
"I would say signs are troubling at the very least," screen Rommie said.
"Oh, put a sock in it and clear your buffers," Android Rommie snapped. "Uploading battle plan."
It took an infinitesimal fraction of a human heartbeat for the other two aspects of Andromeda to be brought up to date on the humanoid avatar's idea; to say they were less than thrilled with the idea would be an understatement of universal proportions.
"Are you -- !?" the hologram stammered. "No -- I take it back -- you really ARE crazy!"
"Need I quote the relevant sections of the High Guard code of conduct this proposal violates?" the screen image said.
"'Sections'?" the hologram replied. "Try 'volumes'!"
Android Rommie quickly tired of her sister-selves' whining. "Just set everything up; I'll take care of the rest." She left command.
"Y'know .... " the hologram said, " .... *you* ... could have stopped her with a thought."
"I thought about it," the screen image said, "but that wouldn't resolve ... her problem, would it? If not, and if she goes in ascending order of affection, Harper is the next logical target."
"And in her current state, she'd break the little guy in half." The hologram sighed. "All right, let's put this plan in motion. Who knows? Maybe she'll come to her senses before it's too late."
****
Tyr was ten decks away from Command when he finally calmed down and thought about the matter objectively. He'd never had use for AIs, and certainly didn't think much of the little professor's humanoid creation; as long she didn't endanger his survival, he didn't care if she pranced around in a clown suit. But his survival *did* depend on, at the very least, maintaining an uneasy truce with the sentient starship, who'd never made a secret of her distrust for him. Time to engage in what some would call 'damage control.'
Tyr came to a halt and collected his thoughts. "Ship? I would like to speak with you, please."
The hologram appeared in front of him. "Yes, Try?"
"I .... I *apologize* " -- once that word was out, the rest was easy -- "for my conduct earlier. Your offer was ... most generous, and I know that in some way it was in the interests of the crew. While my previously stated position still stands, I should not have been so .... brusque in declining it."
"Quite all right, Tyr, although technically, it wasn't my offer -- it was *hers.*"
"Of course. But let us consider this a misunderstanding between allies."
"Yes, Tyr, I think that --- Tyr? We have a security breach."
Tyr drew his pistol. "Where?"
"Two decks down, section AA23."
****
Tyr leaned against the wall outside the closed crew cabin door. "In there?"
"Yes," the hologram whispered.
"I don't hear anything."
"My sensors assure me there is a problem. It could be a malfunction, but in case it isn't .... "
"A prudent decision. On three: One .... two .... three!"
The hatch snapped open, and Tyr leapt into the room ....
..... to find someone had taken a king-sized bed, lined it up with the door, and turned down the covers. Dozens of candles provided the only light in the cabin, and Nietzschean battle flags decorated the walls.
"Wh -- Ship -- " Tyr heard quick footsteps behind him. He turned to see Android Rommie running at him an instant before she body-slammed him and sent them both flying into the cabin. The hatch clanged shut behind them; muffled shouts and thumps could be heard in the corridor.
The hologram looked down at her feet, then up at the ceiling. "The way my luck has been going lately, this is the one thing I'll be remembered for."
"Hopefully, no one will really believe it," the ship's
voice lamented; the hologram vanished.
**THE NEXT MORNING**
"Mr. Harper!" Dylan Hunt, the *Andromeda's* captain, called to his engineer as they approached each other from opposite ends of the very same stretch of corridor. "Have you seen Rommie lately?"
"No, Boss," Harper said, "and much as I would love to help you look for Rommalicious, I'm tryin' to find Tyr. He's been after me to help him recalibrate the targeting system, and now that I have some time, I can't find him anywhere."
As luck would have it, they came face-to-face outside the same cabin Andromeda had lured Tyr to the night before. The door clanged open and Rommie practically floated out, over to her captain and her creator, looking very relaxed and refreshed.
"Rommie?" Dylan said. "How .... are you?"
Rommie couldn't stop smiling. "Oh, I feel great! Never felt better. Oh, Dylan, we absolutely *have* to get more Nietzscheans into the Commonwealth. Top priority."
Harper frowned. "Rommie ... are you feelin' all right?"
Rommie hit Harper with a look that sent the humidity up 25 points. "What do you suggest, Harper? Want to take me to your machine shop and work on me?"
Something in her manner made Harper very nervous. "Uh ... it's not urgent."
Rommie sagged. "Poor boy; you'll never know what you turned down. But I still love you." She gave him a squeaky kiss on the cheek. "Dylan -- more Nietzscheans. Gotta run!" She jogged off down the corridor.
"Uhhh ... " Harper started.
"Yeah," Dylan said.
They turned when the hatch opened again, and they got another surprise: Tyr limped out, supporting his weight on a deployed force lance. His chain mail shirt had been torn in half, he had a black eye, and his neck was ringed with --
"Are those love bites?" Harper grimaced. "Geez, that one looks like it .... uh .... "
Tyr hobbled over to the young engineer and glowered down at him.
"Did it ever occur to you that some things are not meant to be trifled with?" Tyr demanded. "Some forces of nature that are not meant to be given mechanical form? No? I am not surprised. Now, if you will excuse me, I must repair to Medical."
Dylan and Harper watched as Tyr hobbled away. Neither man was an idiot; both felt a little afraid.
"Mr. Harper," Dylan said, "what, exactly, were you thinking when you -- ?"
"Excuse me," Holo Rommie said on appearing, a pained look on her face, "but my humanoid avatar was wondering if either or both of you had anything planned for the next 18 to 36 hours."
Dylan and Harper actually went pale.
"Uhhhh ... no!" Dylan stammered. "I mean, yes, I have a lot to do." He and Harper started down the corridor. "Have to build the Commonwealth, make contingency plans, fight ... um, bad people ... "
"Yeah," Harper said, "and I have to fix and repair the ship, build gadgets, hell build another ship .... "
"...... it's a long and *lonely* vigil .... "
" .... yeah, duty calls .... "
".... can't afford any distractions ..... "
Both men could be heard loudly celebrating the virtues of a chaste adherence to duty long after they'd gone 'round the far corner.
"Sex does odd things to male humanoids," the hologram mused before she vanished.
THE END