By rivier
Written for stakebait’s meme “in (dis)honor of Marriage Protection Week [10 – 18 October 2003]...any pairing, any fandom, so long as it’s a same sex couple getting hitched.”
“...!”
“If I’d guessed it could ever be this easy to render you speechless...”
“Well, excuse me! Magog larvae infestation? Hey, I dealt. Tesseracting hench-babe of Evil, check. Spaceship-swallowing giant jellyfish, no problemo. I’ve even managed to live through the sight of Dylan sucking face with half the hot babes in the known universe… But this? This is – it’s just – ”
“So romantic? So unexpected?”
“*Unexpected?* Hell, Tyr… Is it even legal for Übers?”
“Nietzscheans are traditionalists, boy. We place great stock in properly-executed ceremonial customs. It’s not common, but there is case precedent. And if you call me that at the altar, I’ll spank you raw in front of the congregation.”
“Heh, promises… Look, I don’t want to spoil the moment – and I gotta say, this has to be the best moment ever after a whole night of, well you know… Definitely the best for me! But you have to tell me!”
“What?”
“*Fuck* you, Tyr – why?”
“Does there have to be a reason?”
“With you, there have to be at least two I can figure out straight off, plus two more you’re saving, so you can smirk at me when you point them out. And then there’ll be the one you haven’t even consciously figured out yet, the emergency reason in the event of unanticipated catastrophe.”
“That’s grossly paranoid. Congratulations. Maybe I’ll make a Nietzschean of you yet.”
“Gah. You’re just saying that so you can feel me shuddering!”
“Hmmm... well, it *is* a pleasant sensation, especially against bare flesh. So what are the two you’ve decided for yourself?”
“Well, okay. One – I’m freaking hot, big guy, and after everything I’ve done with you tonight, suddenly all that Nietzschean super-control gave way, and you just couldn’t help yourself. Two - you don’t want to risk losing the Gateway to Heaven that is the Harper ass to some passing Niet with a bigger – destiny – ouch! – than yours. And, three! Because you know it’s really going to piss Dylan off!”
“As ever, wilfully wide of the mark.”
“Come on, I’m on the money! Admit it!”
“Maybe if you were to let go of my nipple first…? So kind. You would like reasons? Well, one – because it will accord you a position of publicly acknowledged social equality amongst my compatriots, and confirm you as Tamerlaine’s guardian. While you may claim to be unconcerned, I would at least like some of the less imaginative Nietzscheans of this Pride to finally set aside the notion that your only purpose in life is to serve my sexual gratification -.”
“You have to admit, I do have kind of a genius for that particular role, though!”
“…Perhaps you’d like me to stroke your ego just a little more?”
“Heh. Stroke whatever you like, Mister. Just keep talking!”
“Two: I want Beka Valentine to stop treating me as if I were the plundering villain of one of her overblown holo-novels. No doubt it’s a foolish hope, but marriage might put an end to her sending me hate-mail every two days, threatening to disembowel me if I ever break your mythically delicate little heart.”
“Really? Beka’s harassing you? For me? Awww, man! I didn’t think she still cared!”
“You crewed for eight years together, Harper. And yet, in all that time, how could she possibly have failed to notice your innate capacity for self-preservation? Not to mention your predictable - albeit endearing - tendency to bite people when under duress.”
“Yeah, well I liked to keep my feral side well hidden from Beka. You know how she is about rough, tough guys. She wouldn’t have been able to keep her hands off me. Kinda reminds me of someone… Ahhh, trying to make me bite you again? You just keep rubbing right on that – Hey, you trying to distract me? That’s cheating! You only mentioned two reasons. Come on – and all the rest!”
“Very well. Three – because that obfuscating little gold sprite you’re so fond of told me this would happen.”
“Trance? Trance said we’d get married? Now I *know* you’re kidding me.”
“Not at all. Before I left the Andromeda Ascendant, Trance Gemini decided to gift me with her own very unique vision of my future.”
“Wow! So you know everything that’s going to happen to you?”
“Don’t be absurd. What I know is a half-baked confection of meaningless, melodramatic mumbo-jumbo. Dynasties rising from ashes, vines and serpents, blood and sacrifice, smoke and mirrors. You don’t suppose she’s been making this all up as she goes along?”
“Now you mention it... I guess she has been getting kinda more cuckoo recently. Dylan says it’s the increasing threat of The Great Evil Radiant Nameless One.”
“You don’t agree?”
“Harper’s Magic 8-Ball says she’s been hanging out with Dylan *way* too much. Whew... that guy is seriously bad news for mental health!”
“Which brings me to reason four.”
“I knew it! You *are* doing this to piss Dylan off!”
“Does that seem such a bad reason to you?”
“Well... actually, no. But it’s kinda superficial, Tyr. I guess I expected something more profound from my, ah, future – which one would you be? Husband or wife?”
“Whichever one gets to fuck you the most, little man. And you’re mistaken. Dylan Hunt is becoming more dangerous by the day. He’s a zealot, a fanatic. I don’t mind that he wants to make his mark on history, but I have no intention of letting him do so with *your* blood. Besides, you’ve wasted enough time servicing that big, ungrateful ship and her big, ungrateful captain. You need to sever the last links and engage with this life, here, with me.”
“Whoa, hold on! Are you asking me to marry you so you get to tell me where I go and how late I can stay out at night?”
“Not in the slightest. Our relationship already profoundly troubles Dylan, does it not? For now, he lets you come and go. However, I suspect that neither Captain Hunt, nor that over-protective avatar of his, would be willing to let the *spouse* of Tyr Anasazi continue to have unrestricted access to every single system on their ship.”
“I guess not. You just want to force me to make a choice, then?”
“Child. Seamus. I want you to be safe, and I *know* I am the best guarantee of that, outside of your own wits. And I want you to stop distracting yourself with those absurd chores fit for drones. Take charge of your life. Work for your own goals, Not his, and not even mine... unless I can make it worth your while to do so. Dylan’s had three years, and he’s done nothing but squander your potential. You know, it took me a while to accept my own birthright, but I have now. Are you ready to do the same?”
“Uh, jeez... I guess. Yeah. I don’t know. Look, I’ve always had other people telling me what to do – mend this, make that, pull a freaking big rabbit out of the hat! And I like that. Being useful, it’s like being wanted. Plus, it saved me having to make decisions for myself, you know? I mean... doing my own thing for a change - could be freaking awesome! But scary, too, yeah, pretty scary. Like freefalling.”
“Yes. And I don’t under-estimate that. Which is why I would have to take great care to – hold you – yes, like this... and – there, too. With this much care, and this close, for as long as you want me to. Does that help?”
“God. Mmm yeah. Don’t move. I mean... don’t move *ever*. Have we done five reasons? Think I lost count.”
“I mentioned four.”
“Well that’s okay. We can ixnay talking about the fifth one. It’s way too mushy.”
“Agreed. Though in the end, it is the only one that matters.”
“Yeah, me too. It’s pretty compelling. But hey, it’s not the clincher.”
“Let me guess. You’re thinking of accepting my proposal of marriage, mostly because Dylan Hunt will utterly *detest* it?”
“Heh. He really is going to freak, you know.”
“I sincerely hope so. After all, it should offend just about every single decent, pre-Fall, institution-honouring, staunchly heterosexual cell in his body.”
“And there I was all along, thinking the Commonwealth was supposed to be all about tolerance and civil rights for all. Bring me your Übers, your kludges, your ambidextrous chinheads... ”
“Exactly. Trying to fake a positive New-Commonwealth reaction to our happy news will likely give him an aneurysm.”
“Yeah - or he’ll have to give us a pretty damn big wedding gift, to stop himself feeling so guilty. Hey, can I ask him for Rommie?”
“Not if you have the slightest interest in me ever doing *this* again...”
“Oh. OH! Oh crap, oh... yeah, alright. No Rommie. Definitely no Rommie. Yes. Tyr, yes. Yes, yes, oh my God, yes...!”
“Ah. Can I take that as your answer?”
“That was a definite cheat! Okay, you caught me. Yes means yes. Happy now?”
“Let me see... Three years, five months and – eleven days. Yes, I’m happy. It’s a pity your Trance Gemini never actually bothered to mention that it was going to take this long.”
“Mentioned... huh?”
“She walked up to me one day and simply announced that you and I would be together, bound together body and soul, indeed, for far more of our lives than we’ve been apart. Nothing else, no enigmatic riddles. It’s probably the only perfectly straightforward thing I can ever remember hearing her say.”
“Wait... What? When did she say this, exactly?”
“Exactly? Eleven days after we all first met on the Andromeda.”
“And you didn’t think of saying anything to me then?”
“Of course not. I was prepared to be patient.”
“What were you waiting for?”
“*You*, Harper. And yes, you were worth the wait.”