Rating: R, I’m trying hard not to slide into NC-17 territory

Story: The title says it all

Spoilers: Probably, I can’t be bothered looking for them. There are some for my other stories.

e-mail me: maryavatar@yahoo.com

Dylan was idly staring at the front of Rommie’s uniform, wondering what new scenario the scriptwriters were going to inflict on them when he suddenly realized...

"Oh oh. People, this isn’t a script: it’s a fanfic."

Trance jumped up and clapped her hands, "Oh goody!"

"Sorry to leave so soon but there’s something urgent in engineering that I have to do right now." Harper was up and running before the first syllable passed his lips. Unfortunately for him the doors from the command deck slammed shut in his face. "Owwwww!" He said from the floor, "OK, that’s what, fifteen seconds in and I’m injured already. I hate fanfic."

"Sorry about that, I seem to have a malfunction in my door sensors" said Andromeda appearing on the viewscreen.

Trance was leaning over Harper, stroking the quite large bump on his forehead, "How can you not like fanfics Harper? They’re so much fun: you can do anything you want and it doesn’t matter because it’s not really real."

"Oh that’s alright for you to say, everyone likes you. You’re not the one that gets ill or beaten up or..." He shuddered, "...Shagged up the ass!"

Rommie looked at him with her head tilted to one side; "Can you say that? I mean kids could be watching this"

"It’s a fanfic Rommie, no one reads them; they’re just ways to make sad hacks feel like real writers"

"Ooooh, Harper you shouldn’t have said that: they’re really gonna get you now" Trance’s eyes were big and round.

"Wait a minute," said Rommie, "Do you mean we don’t have to take this seriously? We can be ...silly and no one will care? I could, for instance, dance around the observation deck in a whipped cream bikini?"

There was an awful lot of silence after that statement. Even Tyr had lost his customary look of boredom. Trance was the only one not struck dumb by the mental picture.

"Oh yes Rommie. You’re allowed to do anything."

"Well why didn’t anyone tell me before? I can’t believe I’ve wasted all that time being me instead of doing Barbarella impersonations." She walked out of the command deck. "I wonder if Beka would lend me some of her nanobots: I always wanted to go blonde."

Harper, seeing his opportunity to escape made a dash for the door. Which shut in his face again.

Dylan looked around, "Talking of Beka, where is she? Shouldn’t she and Rev be here too?"

"Accessing..." said Andromeda; "Oh and by the way I can’t believe you told my avatar that she could do anything she wanted Trance. This is going to be very embarrassing" she scowled. "Ah Captain, I have the information you requested. The reason that Rev and Beka aren’t here is because the author of this fanfic thinks that they are the two least sexy members of the crew."

"Why would that matter?" asked Dylan

"Oh three guesses Dylan," said Harper, now pinching his nose to stop the bleeding. "This is obviously one of the perv writers. Which one Andromeda?"

"Mandy Green"

Harper went white; "Oh shit! Not that psycho."

Tyr grimaced, "I don’t know why you’re complaining about boy. At least you usually get a major role in her stories; I’m just background noise. And don’t you usually get sex?"

"At what cost?" squealed Harper, "Remember ‘Served Hot’."

"I don’t remember that one. Probably because I wasn’t in it."

"Yeah, well, the less said about it the better. I can’t believe she had me pissing glass for a week!"

Andromeda interrupted, "I feel I should warn you that the rating at the top of the page says R"

"You can breathe easier now, boy" said Tyr, "That means there’s not going to be any slash."

"You can’t be sure about that. She might use euphemisms."

"Gosh" said Trance, "That’s a very long word. Isn’t it out of character for Harper to use long words?"

"Is that really the only difference between R and NC17? Euphemisms?" asked Dylan. "I mean saying ‘shagging’ is R and using the ‘F’ word is NC17. Right?"

Andromeda looked puzzled, "I’m afraid I don’t have that information. Ms Green is British and doesn’t understand the American censor system. That appears to be interfering with my database."

"Oh great, that means anything could happen," said Dylan with a frown.

"Not necessarily" replied Andromeda, "She thinks you are much too anal to participate in slash fic..... Um actually I’m getting more data: she thinks you are repressed and that something is going to have to give soon or you’ll explode."

"I am not anal or repressed," said an indignant Dylan as Rommie’s voice wafted through the intercom system.

"Oh Dylan" she cooed, "I found a whip but I don’t have any cream. Can you come and help me get some please?"

There was another stunned silence before Harper said, "Newsflash Dylan: that was a euphemism."

"I know," he said as he hurried off to the observation deck, "And I’m really not anal. Or repressed."

"Don’t worry," said Harper, "I’m not even going to try for the door."

"Well" Trance beamed at Tyr and Harper, "That just leaves us three. I’m so excited: I never get to do anything in the R rated stories."

"Probably because you’re not physically compatible with human males," said Tyr.

"I am too!" She said indignantly.

Tyr raised his eyebrows, "And how do you know that if you never get to do anything?"

Trance and Harper looked at each other and said, ‘Served Hot’."

"I think I really missed out on that one."

Andromeda was grinning, "Yes, you really did Tyr: I almost ruptured my outer hull at the ‘affected area’ part."

"What ‘affected area’?"

"Harper’s ‘affected area’. It’s all healed up now though, do you want to see?" said Trance

"NO!" they shouted in unison as the doors opened just long enough for Beka to squeeze in.

"No what? Asked Beka, And what’s going on? Why is Rommie blonde and naked and chasing Dylan all over the ship with a whip?" Harper, have you been reprogramming her?"

"Ah Beka, you have appeared just in time to prevent this fanfic turning into NC17," said Tyr.

"Oh fanfic! I should have guessed," she said, "So who told Rommie she was allowed to get kinky?"

"That was Trance," said Andromeda

"Nice going Trance" said Beka, "Just for that you can have Harper."

"Hey! I’m not the booby prize." Harper had tissue jammed up his nose. "Well, OK, maybe I am but you could have used a little tact Beka."

Beka strode up to Tyr and stared at him, "I have some extra strength condoms in my quarters. I’m getting pretty tired of you impregnating me every time we have fanfic sex."

"Neitzschiens don’t wear rubbers. It’s against everything we believe in," said Tyr

"No glove, no love Tyr it’s up to you" she said as she left the deck. Tyr shrugged and followed her.

"Oh Harper! I’ve been waiting for this day for so long. Can we go to your quarters now? I have so many things I want to do to you." Trance was bouncing up and down in anticipation.

"Well" said Harper, "I take it all back about Mandy Green: a few bruises are a small price to pay for sex with my purple sparkly babe. So what do you want to do to me?" He asked.

They walked out of the now open door towards Harper’s room, "I thought I might start with performing Ooah – la – cha – ling on you with my tail?"

"Um, sounds good to me. What is it?" Their voices faded into the distance.

Andromeda was alone on her viewscreen, "Ooah – la – cha – ling? Translating... Oh yes: shagging up the ass."

<In the distance> "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!"

The End

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